So. Last night. Interesting. It ends better than it starts out, so keep reading.
It started off fine. I watched him march and came home to meet up with him. As I was worried, he never showed. It was 4:30, the parade had ended at 3, and I got pissed off. I marched my ass down to his house, pounded on the door, fully intending to give him a piece of my mind.
He wasn't home, but he was at the fire station down the street after the parade. I figured he must have been there if he didn't go home, and found him eating a burger and drinking a beer. He seemed surprised when I showed up, but I played it cool and didn't make a scene.
I hung out for a while with people I know, and in the end, H started gravitating toward me. I had a couple of beer and got my tongue more loose than it should have been, we were jabbing at each other every time one of us moved away from the group's hearing shot. I was snarking at him, making comments about how he blew me off again, like I knew he would. He was snarking back replies I don't recall but weren't very good.
Eventually, we headed to his place. Me under the guise of "my car's parked at your place". I was livid, I was enraged, and I wasn't going to take it any more.
I reamed him a new one. About how I know he had no intention of following through with our plans and how I'm sick of him treating me like crap and like less than a human being. He tried to lie to me about how he was going to pick me up after the party was over, and blah blah blah. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I wasn't going to believe a word of his BS anymore, and I was sick of being used.
And that's when it came out, in a flood:
He said he looked for me on the side lines and he didn't see me. When he didn't see me, he got upset and decided he wasn't going to come pick me up, to get back at me. He claims that the last parade he asked his dad to come watch and his dad didn't show, either.
He said he'd "looked and when I didn't see this face (at this point he was touching me face, of course), I got upset. I wanted someone to come see me, not just my grandparents. They go to all the parades anyway, I wanted someone there for me. When you didn't show, I was hurt."
We talked about it, some. Mostly just me validating that I was there, and I wouldn't have missed seeing him for the world. I told him he was standing two guys in front of Station 2's lieutenant, and he was horribly out of cadance. And that his right boot lace was untied the entire time, but some how he managed to keep a neat and clean appearence. He chuckled a little bit, but it was obvious he was still upset.
We talked it out. I explained to him that now he knows how it feels when he does it to me, and it sucks. I wouldn't do it to him. We smoothed things over and talked out our "relationship" some, about how FTHM's feelings on us upset me, that he was listening to her so much, things like that.
He listened. I think he understands. I don't think it will change anything right away, but hearing me out is a first step. His dealing with it internally is the next.
I tried not to have sex with him, I honestly did. I even told him several times I wouldn't, because I feel horrible afterward when I over-think the situation. He said he wouldn't ask me to sleep with him and he didn't want me to feel that way, but he had a crappy day up until we talked and he wanted me to spend the night, anyway, even if we didn't have sex.
He made me dinner and then we went into his bedroom to talk some more. We were getting sleepy from the beer (coming down off the buzz), and he wrapped his arms around me and snuggled up behind me and I couldn't help myself. I was falling asleep and it felt warm and good and I turned around to kiss him. That was it.
We spent the night cuddled up in his bed, making love on and off, and just got up about an hour ago so he could head off to work.
I think he understands how I feel, a little better. He was honest, showing real emotion about being upset with me, and I didn't let him off the hook or use it as an excuse. I just hammered home the point that now he knows how I feel when he does it to me, and how it's a horrible feeling.
He's supposed to be calling me later on to make plans, we'll see how that goes. I still don't trust him, of course, and I'm still leery, but...who knows.
I don't know how to feel, but I do know I enjoyed spending time with him, even if the first part was pretty disgusting.
