Hi, Been reading your sitch, very similar to mine. I found out about the ow in Jan 2004, it was a EA and then became a Pa after I found out. I did the normal screaming, trying to convince H that he is living in a fantasy ETC nothing worked.
I told him to leave in May until he could give up Ow and go into counseling. After two weeks H said he ended it and went to couples couseling.
It was a nightmare all he did was mope around missing ow and told me that he was IL with her but wanted to see if he could get the spark back in our twenty year m. DUH how could I compete with a new fantasy. They were in the la la stage and he can not see straight.
After five weeks of this nightmare I pushed and pushed h because I couldn't live in limbo land anymore and I was really questioning if I still wanted this alien who was willing to walk away from his w and family ( two kids) because ow who is divorced said she wouldn't have a r with him if he stays married.
We went to a divorce mediator on June 28th and I freaked out. It was in that session that I decided I wanted to fight for my m and that H has lost his way. I also realized that both of us had contributed to the problems in our M- pushed things under the rug ( although I never thought we had a bad M just a 20 year one) and that h was 100% responsible for the A. (b by the way ow lives around the corner and her daughter and mine WERE friends.
Anyway coincidentally this was the same day I found out about db- got the book and started reading.
When you are dealing with an OP there are only two ways to do it -180 and LR, but I believed I could db better if h was living at home.
So the next morning I told H I had a idea.
Put the mediation on hold I will not focus on the two of them anymore-don't have any energy I will focus on taking care of myself and kids Let h live in the house for financial reasons and child care Issues(we both work) and see how it goes.
H asked if that means he could do what he wanted? I responded I will not focus on you or ask you about what you are doing and I will not tell H anything I'm doing either.
Well if I could tell you H was like a kid in the candy shop- you can imagine he's thinking I can remain home in my house (where I want to be) see my kids every day see the ow ( which my wife knows about) have my cake and eat it too
The only problem that he would have is that he already told ow he's moving out and getting a d
Too bad -now he has to lie to ow ( just what I want) now maybe ow will put pressure on H.b)
"try to figure out what OM is offering her and what needs he is meeting and try to meet those needs myself. Should I continue to be a bastion of support and understanding while letting her sneak around under my nose?
Answer to this YES- read the five love languages and figure out what the OM is doing
"but I'm running out of energy. As you know, this is all give, give, give and I'm getting nothing in return."
Answer to this you are right you will have to do 100% of the work now and it is extremely difficult.
But you must approach this intellectually not emotionally and look at this as you will do the dbing until you get past the crisis mode.
NO pressure on her patience patience
I know in my sitch I have seen a couple of baby steps First it confuses the H--- out of h when I don't ask because this is a 180 for me and then I figured ou that the ow is using flattery, affiramtion, encoragement and gratefulness. I have now become very aware the small things H does and I make sure I comment on them and thank him. Also tell h when he looks good.
The other thing I'm doing and this might be hard is I'm initiating ML with H and have left sexy messages on his answering machine ( i know she has done this) boy what a reaction H just eats it up. Another one of his love languages. The ML part keeps the intimacy going and I know is confusing the h--- out of H because now H is cheating on ow, lying to ow ( can't imagine h is telling her he ml with wife, sleeping in same bed and has put d on hold.)
And I know from a mutual friend that ow has already asked H why are you still living there? HA HA We are in the position of power, we must be strong to pull this off and as my therapist says only a small percentge of people could do this.
Look we are on this website and we are ntrying to save our m so if this works it will be worth it. Let the OP put the pressure on, we can't do it.
Be aware you will loose it somedays (I have ) then I start right back again the next day because I am trying to outlast this A which I know is only temporary and I know that one day my H will wake up and regret it>
After doing all new stuff for myself and detachong from H then I will know what I want to do. Which will take time, If we run away now we will never know and we couldn' say we tried everything.
Look if you asked me two months ago would I do this I would have told you you were nuts but here I am.
Hope this helps keep posting and venting here especially when you feel like you going insane.
knows about)
