Interesting...about pushing the envelope in order to get the fantasy to crack. That could work... assuming it IS a fantasy. Some affairs are hopeless fantasies, while some are, in reality, truly all-around "better deals" for a spouse than the M itself, and of course most A's fall somewhere in between those two extremes... they are just a flawed "alternative" to an equally flawed marriage. I feel that "pushing the envelope" in those situations, forcing the spouse to make a decision, may make them panic and choose the OP, out of TEMPORARY feelings of frustration with the OLD flaws of the M, as opposed to the NEW flaws of the affair, which feel more tolerable, simply because they are new.
IF Q believes that his wife's A is indeed a fantasy that will burst on close inspection, and IF IF IF he believes his wife will truly relinquish the fantasy once provided with enough "reality checks" then your method is sound!
But trust me, a lot of W's will still hold out hope for OM even when he proves to be an unsatisfactory alternative. Sometimes, an H could provide proof to their W's that OM is a 9/11 terrorist, and it would STILL not "burst the fantasy bubble," the W would find some way to justify or excuse that. It's not easy to burst a fantasy, and sometimes the harder you try, the more the person clings to it... it depends how EMOTIONALLY invested they are in it, which is why I recommend Q focus his main efforts on appealing to W's emotions...
Right now I am sure OM is telling her that she means the world to him. It will be hard for H to compete with that kind of romantic conviction about her (which is what women want), while threatening to file D. Talk about mixed messages. If I were Q, I would be sitting down trying to write the best and most heartfelt love letter of my life, instead of rattling OM's cage or hiring PI's. I would be offering W a fantasy to compete with OM's fantasy... showing her that her M can also incorporate her fantasies, that she does not truly need OM for that. That point must be made NOW, before it's too late.
I don't disagree with your approach, I think it's shrewd and manipulative and I have zero problem with that. Like I say, it might work in certain situations. But let's call a spade a spade... the pretty rationales you provide for taking this approach don't hold water. Why not just call it what it is... taking concrete actions to try to get the affair to self destruct. Nothing wrong with that! But don't pretend it's anything more noble than that, like "freeing the wife to be happy." Like you say, everyone is an adult who can make their own choices. She does not need him to "free" her from the marriage, she can free herself, if she wants. SHE can file for D. She knows that, and so she would not interpret H's steps toward D as "lovingly trying to free her" she will likely interpret it as him being fed up with her and truly wanting to end the M. Or, if she's really smart, she will interpret it as what it is... clever manipulation, a gambit, and (if he follows thru) a willingness to loose her just because she's not currently behaving herself.
