Thanks Annalise for your great input. It is interesting for me to read others thoughts and inputs, and to guage their intrepretation of our situation based on what I write.
What I need to say is that my wife and I do have excellent communication and are both trained in this field. She is also extremely honest, and last night told me that she had arranged her final meeting with OM, in a public place with her friend acting as chaperone. My W is very honest when she speaks to me, and we have amazingly frank and rational discussions about the emotional aspects of our relationship, her affair, etc. We are both very well-read on the subject and quite cognizant of the stages of affairs, the reasons for affairs, etc. When she tells me something, she believes it; but as you say, Annalise, she is not always able to follow through on her intentions.
As for my strength, I can't help but feel slightly insulted by Davis' comment. I am extremely strong with my wife, and have more self-confidence and self-respect than average. I offer her all the support I can, I demand honesty from her, and I am allowing her to meet one more time so that she can bring some closure to things. I cannot make her stop seeing OM, but we have negotiated this meeting together and it makes sense to me to allow her that. I could tell her never to see him again, and she would agree to that; but it would seem to her like me controlling her and she would resent me for it. As well, I believe that she needs to bring closure to the affair, for her own good. She is just that kind of person.
As for the spying... she has been very honest with me and has not withheld any information. She has told me how many times they've met (4), that they have briefly kissed once, and she usually tells me when they email (sort of a confession). However, I still feel compelled to want to know what she says to him. It does hurt incredibly to hear her say that she wants him, and dreams of a night with him, etc, but I want to have this knowledge so I can determine how I need to act around her. I suppose I feel like I have information that gives me an advantage (not over her, but over the alternative), but it does come at a certain cost.
So, at this point we are just carrying on. I will be out of town much of this month, and she'll be home with the kids and her girlfriend who says she won't be accomplice to any kind of meetings or romance between W and OM. My theory is that I simply have to ride this rollercoaster and if I find myself in a position to negotiate, I will, but otherwise I need to let my W make her own decisions so that she can accept them and act upon them without resenting me. At the end of the day, I want her to look back and know that I acted honourably and respectfully, giving her the space to make her own decisions.
Thanks for the kind words, Annalise, I hope that you are able to work through your situation with as little pain and suffering as possible. It sounds as though you have all the resources.
