I just wanted to say that I believe your posts ARE real, and that your pain is real, and I also believe your situation is quite common. I do not think you are being "weak," or that your marriage will necessarily go down the drain just because your wife is currently refusing to give up OM, and you are currently choosing to tolerate that. Take heart!... most affairs do not dissolve marriages! It happens, of course, but the odds are on your side that the affair will fail and your marriage will prevail.
I am currently in your wife's shoes, and my H is currently in your shoes. I don't have any "answers" for you, but I do have some first-hand insights into your situation.
There is a diffence between intention and behavior. When your wife says she "intends" to split with OM, she is probably NOT purposely trying to deceive you or play games or make your life hell or take advantage of the situation. It is more likely that a big part of her truly does desire to split with OM and restore her marriage. However, her feelings for OM cause her to remain in CONFLICT about this. Because of the conflict, she is not yet able to bring her behavior into "alignment" with her verbalized intentions to you. Get it? So for now, it's best to take what she says with a grain of salt... that will prevent you from going insane every time she does not follow up her words with the promised behavior. In fact, you may find it helpful to take my H's approach... he told me once "don't tell me what you're GOING to do about it, tell me what you've DONE." You might tell her that when she has avoided ALL contact with OM for a month, you will consider the affair truly over, and that you will be extremely proud of her when she is able to pull that off. That will give her a concrete little goal to hang onto when the going gets rough, and it will get rough for her. My intuition is that she is in love with this OM, not just "lusting."
It sounds like you have not confronted OM. I think that is a very wise course of action for many reasons that I won't get into.
Stop reading your wife's e-mails! This is ridiculous. Be a grown up. If you want to know what is going on between her and OM, it's much better to sit her down, take her hand, and ASK. If you don't think you can get an honest answer, then your marriage has a bigger problem than this affair, and that would be lack of authenticity with eachother. Work on creating a spirit of unconditional acceptance and positive regard between you and wife, so that she will disclose even the most difficult aspects of her life and heart to you honestly, without you needing to spy on her like an enemy. Does that make sense to you... trying to have a marriage worth saving, if you are going to take the trouble to save it? I hope so.
Unless you want to embark on the adventure of an "open marriage, you CANNOT have your marriage back if W is to remain "friends" with OM, or in any contact with him at all. Your wife will probably not realize this till she experiences that fact for herself. You cannot put toothpast back in a tube. This relationship between W and OM is not platonic and never will be, or ever can be. That MEANS that if she is "just being friends" with him, she is still having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with another man. Make no mistake about that whatsoever. If all she does is e-mail him once a year to say "Happy New Year" she is still having an emotional affair with another man. She will get mad if you make this point, so do it sensitively and don't keep harping on it. And don't expect her to buy it, she won't.
Her maintaining any contact at all with OM will just keep the affair on "low simmer" and keep it a constant threat to your M. Also, it will keep her heart split, her hopes for OM alive, and her attentions divided. THE OM MUST GO. She knows that, way deep down. But right now, her fantasy that she can remain friends with OM and still have a healthy marriage is a "crutch" she needs in order to BEGIN the process of giving up the affair. That's normal.
Should you condone the crutch? That's a tough one. There are pros and cons... I vote yes, because she'll try to keep him in the loop as a friend anyway, whether you "accept it" or not. And, it sounds like she's the type who'll have no problem lying to you about this if she needs to, unfortunately... So you might as well condone a "friendship" between her and OM if you must, and win points for being "understanding." I would tell her that you condone it only because you have complete faith that she will come to realize that the quality of your M will be best served by avoiding all contact with OM."
Then, you will have to hope that she eventually DOES come to realize that a "friendship" with OM (read: Emotional Affair) is a bad idea. As she tries to continue the friendship/EA she will realize that this will "cost" her in some emotional ways. The more emotional needs YOU can meet, the less likely she will be willing to keep paying the price of the EA.
But right now, your W is not even to the point of trying to take it down to a friendship/EA! She is still trying to meet him, and you really need to talk with her about WHY. Is it to "say goodbye?" Is it because she feels the affair has not "run it's course?" Is it because she wants to explore a relationship with OM that she would consider leaving her marriage for?
Married men often continue affairs "for fun", because they simply enjoy the pleasure of being with the OW. It's often no more complicated than that for them. This is usually NOT not the case when married WOMEN stray. With women, things are complicated!! They are not usually just in it for the thrills or the diversion. Women are EMOTIONAL creatures. Chances are, if she wants to see OM, there is a REASON. A PLAN in her pretty little head. A plan besides just "fun." Try to get the honest scoop on her plan, from her, not by spying. That way you can dialogue with her about it. Isn't that what married people are supposed to do, openly discuss problems and decide what to do about them, as a team?
