I am happy I found this website and especailly the message boards. Life is so much better with the internet.
My situation I guess from reading the postings is not as uncommon as I thought. I have been somewhat ashamed to speak to people I know about what's going on in my marriage. Sometimes I have felt like I am being disloyal. Where do I begin with ny situation?. The long and short of it is I have been married about 9 years, I have known my husband about 11 years and we have always had a struggling marriage. Things have gotten better, more peaceful less arguing, but the romance from my point of view is dead. I think I love my husband I am not sure I am in love with him anymore. Our sex life has been nonexistent for the past 3 months or so. He has never been a person good at showing his emotions. He has a very stressful job and brings a lot of the stress home. On my part I used to crave his affection but I do not anymore. I think I got so used to being without it that, its hard to want to be intimate and be vulnerable with him again.
To cut a long story short a couple of days ago we had a very bad argument, and I felt realy lonely, it was memorial day weekend, so anyway I picked up the Reader, a local news paper and looked up the ad sections for people looking for partners, I called a number of people and I have been speaking on my cell phone to a couple of men since then. I tell them about what's going on at home and I enjoy speaking with them. I enjoy the good conversation and they ask me questions about me, about my day, about what I plan to do for the weekend etc. I feel this guys are interested in me. My husband does not know I speak with my friends but the conversations give me pleasure.
So I guess my question is, am I doing anything wrong by speaking to these men over the phone? What should I do about my situation at home?. I am not sure I want to fall in love with my husband again. I really do not want to deal with all the hurt, the manipulation etc. In addition I am bored by him, he talks non stop about how wonderful he is and his problems at work. We have no fun together. I would like to stay married, we have two kids and we live in a nice house in a nice neighbourhood. I have worked so hard to provide my kids with a good place to live, etc. I am thinking I should wait till my youngest is about 18 years old, he is 9 now, then maybe after he is raised I can set about finding a better mate, someone I can trully be intimate with and a companion.
Kay I don't quite understand.. You say you want to make your marriage work but you called #'s for a dating service to talk to men. Why would you want to call a dating service and talk to men not both men and woman.. Have you ever heard the old sayin' If you hang around a barbar shop long enough you will get a haircut. Basically if you do want your marriage to work in my opinon you are playing with fire. I can so realate to wanting that affection and attention because I am with ya 110% because I am in the same boat.. I am just thinking talking to these other men and working your marriage out don't go hand in hand especially if you plan on staying with him anotherr 9-10 years..
Hi Kay, I agree that you are "playing with fire." Escaping and finding attention is not the solution( although I can most definitely understand why you are doing it) and will lead to more confusion and pain. It sounds like you feel trapped, but waiting 9 yrs and "doing time" is not the solution either. You deserve to be happy and your children need a spirited mom and a harmonious home. I suggest that you confront your H about how miserable you feel and start counseling with him. If he does not want to go, then go yourself. As you start to really deal with the issues, you will go through many difficult emotions, but what also happens is you start to develop a greater sense of self respect. The message is board is great--there are very insightful people here who will offer input/support as you go through your struggles. Keep us posted, Journey
Thanks for replying to my posted message, I called the dating service because that particular weekend I felt lonely. (Probably that's not a very good excuse). I have confronted my H and he says he understands and is willing to try to do things differently. It feels to me like its a little too late. I am very bitter about all the struggles and battles that we have had. I cannot seem to trust him, or trust that he has my best interest at heart. I am sure it will be better to make the marriage work but I am having difficulty in finding the courage, energy and spirit to actively work at the marriage. (That probably sounds pathetic). Its been a though 9 years. I suppose my spirit is tired. I think what I am looking for is a male friend, not someone to have an intimate relationship with, but someone to have good conversation with, maybe its just male attention I want. (Again that sounds somewhat pathetic). Its really not sex with another man that I am after, its companionship if you know what I mean. Its a friend to go to the theater with, a friend to go out for a walk with.
I think I should find some time to really search my mind and heart for what to do, I know I am desperately unhappy, I am just stuck on what to do. I want the very best for the kids, if I tried I am sure I could get through some more years of this and then when the kids are grown I will be free to make myself a better life.
You say you are in the same boat, are things getting any better for you?. How long have you been married?.
Thanks for replying to my posted message, I called the dating service because that particular weekend I felt lonely. (Probably that's not a very good excuse). I have confronted my H and he says he understands and is willing to try to do things differently. It feels to me like its a little too late. I am very bitter about all the struggles and battles that we have had. I cannot seem to trust him, or trust that he has my best interest at heart. I am sure it will be better to make the marriage work but I am having difficulty in finding the courage, energy and spirit to actively work at the marriage. (That probably sounds pathetic). Its been a though 9 years, I suppose my spirit is tired. I think what I am looking for is a male friend, not someone to have an intimate relationship with, but someone to have good conversation with, maybe its just male attention I want. (Again that sounds somewhat pathetic).
I think I should find some time to really search my mind and heart for what to do, I know I am desperately unhappy, I am just stuck on what to do. I want the very best for the kids, if I tried I am sure I could get through some more years of this and then be free to make myself a better life. You say you are in the same boat, are things getting any better for you?. How long have you been married?.
Journey, thanks for replying to my posted message. You are right I am escaping in a sense. My head does tell me escaping my problems is not the best thing to do. I tried counseling a number of years ago but it did not seem to help me much. I will think about it again for myself, my H is against counseling for him but thinks I should go to counseling. As a matter of fact I find advice from others who are in a similar position seems to help me better. Just posting here is very helpful beeel free to be straight forward about what is going on. Sometimes I feel ashamed of talking with friends and admitting I am unhappy in my marriage.
Thanks for your advice, I will keep searching my mind and heart to see if I come up with a workable solution.
Hi there Kay how are you today? The reason I said something is because I have felt the same way you do about wanting attention from Hubby. I get more attention from other men in my life than him.. compliments too.. And I learned if I really wanted to make my marriage work I needed to stay away from that because it doesn't not help you resolve things at home.. It is teaching you to go outside of your marriage to make it work. Why would we call it a marriage if it is the case.. Anyway I don't want to sound like I am preaching (I hope I don't). For me what I have found is finding things that make me happy and finding out what I want and need and taking it upon myself to fulfill my needs insted of waiting on someone else to fill them for me. That is a lot easier said than done and I still have a lot of work to do in that area but it is helping a lot.. ;-)
I am doing OK today thank you, how about you?, How did your weekend go? Mine was OK, my H decided to take the family out, it was fun for a change.
He did not talk much about just the two of us going out together, but at least he is showing the initiative, I was thinking in a couple of weeks I should try to organize a night out together. I might wait a little longer so that he does not feel pressured. We have not been intimate for about 6 months, I do not know what the issue is for him. He says he is tired and seems disinterested. (Always falls off to sleep, I never had to worry about sex ever, it truly is a drag being so preoccupied with it). Anyway I am trying to summon up courage to get involved with him again. Like I said maybe organize a night out together, I so hate rejection, and I do not want to seem desperate so maybe I should wait longer than two weeks. I sometimes think it is a power thing with my H. Its all very strange, I feel like I am trying to seduce a stranger. Anyway Smiles I think I should just take it slow for now, maybe give it about a month and then try this night out idea.
Also I see where you are coming from on speaking with other people outside of my marriage. I have to say the conversations have helped me, I have felt happier and less worried and frantic, my goal is to try to make friends. Do you know what I mean?
Anyway Smiles, for now I feel a little better, I am not as frantic as I was when I first wrote. I will try and keep it on the up and up and be my sunny smiley self.
Smiles, I think I saw a number of posts from you, I will read them to see how you are doing. Have a blessed day and thanks for your advice.
