I know that most of the posts i have read, are from those of you that are surviving and recovering from an affair. I hope that you will not judge me and help me to fix my marriage. A few months ago I met a man online and starting having daily conversations... we got to the point of having cybersex on webcam I'm not proud of this. I am 25 and have been married for 6 years, and with my husband for 12. we have two children together I know that I am being completely selfish and not thinking of my family. The man I have been talking to luckily lives many states away, he is single. My husband is a wonderful man, we have had many issues, but he has always taken care of me and is a wonderful father. I would regret leaving my marriage and I would regret ruining my family. With all this said, I am having a hard time stopping talking to this OM. My H knows about me talking to him, and has asked me to stop. I have become emotionally attached to this OM, and I am having a hard time stopping. I know the grass is not greener, but it is so much fun when talking to him... he doesnt know all of my flaws, he only thinks i am great...while my H has lots of complaints.. (he is not abusive, he just has normal expectations... house clean, laundry done ect...I dont want to paint a picture that i am lacking anything from my husband because i am not but why does it feel so good to be talking to this OM. I'm scared that I will continue to talk to this man and ultimately ruin my marriage. I have been reading everyones stories so that reality will sink in that i need to think about someone other than myself in this situation. I am addicted to OM attention... I suck it right up... How do I rebuild my own self esteem so that I dont need attention from Om and can just be satisfied with my husbands attention?? If you got this far, thank you.. and i'm sorry for all that you all have gone through... I'm sure it will be hard to give support to someone who is on the other side, but I really do want to make my marriage work... I'm scared Everytime i go to end it with the OM, it feels almost like a breakup and only lasts a day or so before i am talking with him again then i am left with guilt thanks again for listening
just remind yourself of what you already know... your r with om is not real, as you stated he doens't know your flaws. the r you have with om is pure fantasy and wouldn't survive outside of it's box for very long.
think of it as a drug and find some other outlet when the desrie arises to spend time chatting with him.
I think that you know what you need to do...stop talikng to this man completely. Once you do that, start talking to your H about what he can do to make you feel the same attention that you feel from this OM. Have you considered going to counseling? Maybe developing some hobbies? I would also suggest gonig on a Marriage Encounter Weekend. That is a wonderful experience as helping to reconnect and creat imtimacy in a marriage.
Sorry you are here. I had an online EA myself, though it never went as far as yours did. Doesn't matter.
Here's my .02 worth....
If you want this marriage to make it, you need to stop contacting that man right away. And I mean NOW. He's not giving you anything you can't and shouldn't be giving to yourself.
If he tells you that you are attractive and sexy, you can tell yourself the same thing. Problem is, you have to start believing this. He can't be giving you too much support given the long distance issue.
And think about it from another angle: cyber sex is impersonal and not about you. There may have been women before you, and there will probably be more after you.
He's single, and there is no risk whatsoever to him. But you, friend, have EVERYTHING to lose.
I'll tell you right here and right now that the grass is not greener. My H walked out on me 17 months ago. Right then, I cut off contact with OM for good. He, too, was single, and he was in a R faster than I can say lickety split. I, on the other hand, am fighting for my M and my family.
And I can tell you the writing was on the wall and it will end in sadness and hurt. Most of us here can attest to the fact that this type of stuff is devastating. You get to live with the shame of things, and worse? You still have to figure out why you feel so doggone miserable about yourself.
Your H loves you for those faults, sweetie. He's real, and he ain't on webcam. He doesn't click the off button and go away. He made a commitment to you, and you should honor your vows by trying to fix this before it's a runaway train.
What do you get from an online affair? Write them down and then tell us what he provides that you and your H can't do together?
Have you ever been in C before? I highly recommend it. I ended up doing a year stint to figure out why I was so miserable. Almost all of it was ME related and not about my H.
My goal isn't to bring you down, hon. But this is not the answer.
Don't let fear drive you away from doing the right thing. Saving your marriage IS the right thing, C&S. No judgment here... just help.
I'll check back soon.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thank you so much for your support and honesty. I am still struggling, I read what you are saying, and I believe in everything that you said. It seems that it is all easier said then done. There is absolutely nothing that this man can give me more than my husband. There is absolutely nothing better then being able to be in love with a man you can touch.. You are all right, I have to end this Now. I have tried in the past and failed miserably. We go to the same chatroom and he was there talking with other women. This should just show me that i am just another screenname, but instead it makes me crazy jealous. So then i start talking to him again. I know that the answer is to just not go to that chatroom anymore and to realize that my Marriage and family is more important. I know he loves me even with my flaws... I'm such a mess. Why isnt this easier.. it should be straight and to the point.. Thank you for your posts.. I need to hear this stuff.. maybe if i hear it enough i will make the right decision. Hugs...
Quote: I need to hear this stuff.. maybe if i hear it enough i will make the right decision.
This sounds awfully tentative, C&S. Why do you have to hear it enough? You're on this board because you KNOW this is wrong, you KNOW this is not good for you, and you KNOW your family is going to get very hurt if you do not change.
You think this is hard? Wait until your H finds out, leaves you and sues for sole custody for the children. Then you're going to find out how difficult life can truly be.
Why do you feel so miserable? I notice you're awfully young and have lots of responsibilities. The good thing is that you can make these changes now and have a long and happy life together. But that's going to depend entirely on YOU.
What goals to you have for yourself, C&S? "YOU" oriented things that boost your own self esteem and general happiness?
Let's start there. And first one I want to see is "Terminate contact with men who are not just friends."
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Yes, staying out of the chatrooms will def. help the situation. I sat down and told H everything last night, right down to taking to OM on the phone I told him I could not be trusted with the Internet. We have decided that I can only go on when he is beside me, and he will be taking the Internet card with him to work. I hate that it has come to this, but i seriously have no control over myself right now.. it sounds so silly, but i'm addicted..:( I had a rough time not signing on last night... i had to keep telling myself that my family is more important. Thank you again for your support and advice. I will have to start working on me and my self esteem. I feel awful for hurting him, but I couldnt live with the guilt of him not knowing the whole picture. now that he knows I will have to work on building up our marriage. I am going to go to the library and get DB and DR this week. I will have plenty of extra time without being able to be online. This is going to be so hard for me... Again i'm sure it sounds petty... Thanks again for listening to me...
No thanks are necessary. And I have no doubt that your fears are real and terrifying. Just remember that all of us had to start some place, and we were scared and hurt and afraid of the outcome.
I'm glad you're going to get the books. Chapter 1 can be found here online if you can have your H sit beside you long enough to print it out.
You don't sound petty at all. Quite the contrary. It takes a very brave person to make the first step. And you did that willingly. I hope you can see the benefits to putting your family as your priority in the very near future.
Just remember, your marriage will be strengthened if you do things that help yourself. Make sure that you aren't just putting a bandaid on a wound that needs a tourniquet.
I have found it helpful to read posts here. Like Sage's (who is a fellow Piecer). Pick someone whose successes you would like to emulate and begin posting to them too. We all had work to do on ourselves, sweetie. And most of us are better people just because we've done the work needed to become happier people. If our spouses agree that the changes were for the better, then it's icing on the cake.
I want to start this ball rolling while you are procuring the books.
1. What are the things about yourself that you would like to change? 2. What are the positive things about you? 3. What are the negatives?
I think you can formulate some goals pretty easily if you can jot down a few ideas here.
WELCOME!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
You may find Calystra's story helpful. It won't so much address the issue of stopping with the OM...but it may highlight some of the challenges you may face with h.
This is one of her posts that lists links to her threads:
I'm not proud of this. I am 25 and have been married for 6 years, and with my husband for 12. we have two children together 
Betsey 