Slowly, I don't know what to say. I think sage is right to start with a beginners mind and go from there.
Great job on handling this. You are strong and very smart and will figure out what you need to do from here. You have worked so hard and come so far and are a true inspiration to a lot of us on here. You will find your way.
I will be praying to find answers to help if i can Take care Believe
