Hi dfb - I agree that I need to let go of the anger, just don't know where to start New lessons to learn...
In the meantime, I've gotten myself on to IM, my aol screen name is dbingslowly, if anyone is logged on during my time zone. Had a nice chat with Pam just now, and I gather yahoo is the preferred mode, so will download this soon
Hi Halo - Thanks for stopping by. Stuff with me and NG - no real drama tramas, just lingering loose ends that sometimes bug me more than others. I think this is the phase of coming to terms with what has happened, dealing with the hurt and anger properly and moving on.
I have absolutely no doubt there will be work on our R always, some triggers just bring the whole mess up to the surface so quickly and so devastatingly. We could be happy as larks one minute and the next, totally down in the trenches
And so another week begins. This one promises to be mucho hectic, all those things I had been putting off at work, well they have come home to roost Must focus on work this week. Alas.
A thought that has been gathering momentum in me is that perhaps I need to view NG as a NEW partner, who I am entering into a NEW relationship with. Most of my anger is because of what I expected from our old relationship.
I seem to have the same difficulty understanding that the old relationship is dead and that I am starting a new friendship here. If you get clues about how to do that .... spread the word.
Hey Maya - You know, we read the words, we write them, and still they are not real, are they? I've had so many feelings and thoughts haunt me over the past few days, no number of stop signs have helped It all seems to come down to this one central issue - how can I possibly contemplate sharing the rest of my life with someone who simply cannot be trusted to keep his word, be trusted to tell the truth?
It then dawned on me that one of the reasons I was having a problem is that I was continuing to project expectations I had of the pre-affair NG on this the post-affair NG. The pre-a guy was someone I knew, the post-a guy has facets to him that I do not know, and perhaps some facets that I may not like.
Back in October, there was a real possibility of separation. He told me about his EA, and saw me take the punch and crumble before his very eyes. I know it surprised him; he rarely sees me vulnerable. But, even with me cut in half in front of him, he was adamant that the affair will continue. In fact, the EA escalated into a PA. I consulted lawyers, and seriously considered a divorce. And thought about it some more, and acknowledged that my feelings for him were still too strong for me to be able to walk away. Especially as he was asking for time to work though the affair, and that he always intended to be with me in the long term. If I left him, he would be alone.
Nevertheless, this is not the man I knew, not the man I chose to share my life, my joys and my sorrows with. I have spent the past 9 months trying to bring back that man, and so has NG. But he is no more. I need to mourn losing him, properly, and move on. My childhood sweetheart has grown up, into someone who in some ways is unrecognisable, and I need to accept this.
If the man is gone, then so is the relationship. He and I may have 20 years' worth of memories to reminisce about, but our feelings about ourselves, about each other, are different, almost beyond recognition. If the people are different, then surely their feelings cannot be the same? The relationship needs to be built. I say built not re-built, because the old is gone.
What strikes me as positive for me is that I always had the option to leave. We do not have children, and as painful as it would have been, the choice and option was real. It is healthy for me to remember this. Because I have now chosen this man again. I did not stay - that would mean wanting the old. I chose him AGAIN. And so did he. He had the same options that I did.
So, what does this all mean to me?
Most importantly, with a new relationship, I can treat the affair and OW as BEFORE me. Like all new relationships, he needs to wind down his legacy, and as a new partner, I find myself able to be more generous. He is moving away from OW in pursuit of more time and emotions with ME. It may take a while before all contact is gone, but NG and I are enjoying an increasingly intense relationship. The waning affair is not as much of a threat.
There are NO bad anniversaries. I was frankly dreading the next few months as the calendar is packed with significant dates. Well, I refuse to acknowledge them. And it seems NG has forgotten most of them anyways. So, it will be up to OW to refresh his memory
I can mourn the loss in a clear way, process my anger and let go without worrying about any spillover to my future. No one is to be blamed for the demise of our old R, I am choosing to let it go, and give it a decent burial. NG and I are two people who have chosen to share the rest of our lives now, in June 2004. I am choosing to celebrate a new romance that is starting 4 months before my 40th birthday
And above all, taking an approach of a brand new man bringing a brand new relationship means I can also redefine myself. There is loads of room for improvement here, so a spring clean for the body, mind, heart and soul seems like a nice way to start the rest of my life. I know I can be so much happier
No doubt it will be a rocky path, but from this day forward I am no longer living with a man who betrayed me, those people are no more. Slowly.
Slowly, That's exactly what I would like to do. Unfortunatly I'm the only one that wants to start a new life together. I am so happy you have been able to work things out and stay together. It has been a long journey and you have done well "grasshopper"
Wow. Thank you for providing clarity. I am printing your post on this and keeping it within reach. I have more reasons than I have been willing to acknowledge to come to terms with the death of my old relationship. I believe the prevalent block is my fear that, were I to begin a new relationship, would I ever choose this guy? My doubts about this have me clinging to the old R and trying to resuscitate.
I like your resolve to change yourself in entering this new relationship. Maybe turning my attention in THIS direction is the only real choice I have.
I have yahoo messenger and think it might be good to have your id when you decide to get it....I finally got into reading your stich. I sure wish I was as far along as you are...will post more later....
New lessons to learn...
