Hey Maya - You know, we read the words, we write them, and still they are not real, are they? I've had so many feelings and thoughts haunt me over the past few days, no number of stop signs have helped It all seems to come down to this one central issue - how can I possibly contemplate sharing the rest of my life with someone who simply cannot be trusted to keep his word, be trusted to tell the truth?
It then dawned on me that one of the reasons I was having a problem is that I was continuing to project expectations I had of the pre-affair NG on this the post-affair NG. The pre-a guy was someone I knew, the post-a guy has facets to him that I do not know, and perhaps some facets that I may not like.
Back in October, there was a real possibility of separation. He told me about his EA, and saw me take the punch and crumble before his very eyes. I know it surprised him; he rarely sees me vulnerable. But, even with me cut in half in front of him, he was adamant that the affair will continue. In fact, the EA escalated into a PA. I consulted lawyers, and seriously considered a divorce. And thought about it some more, and acknowledged that my feelings for him were still too strong for me to be able to walk away. Especially as he was asking for time to work though the affair, and that he always intended to be with me in the long term. If I left him, he would be alone.
Nevertheless, this is not the man I knew, not the man I chose to share my life, my joys and my sorrows with. I have spent the past 9 months trying to bring back that man, and so has NG. But he is no more. I need to mourn losing him, properly, and move on. My childhood sweetheart has grown up, into someone who in some ways is unrecognisable, and I need to accept this.
If the man is gone, then so is the relationship. He and I may have 20 years' worth of memories to reminisce about, but our feelings about ourselves, about each other, are different, almost beyond recognition. If the people are different, then surely their feelings cannot be the same? The relationship needs to be built. I say built not re-built, because the old is gone.
What strikes me as positive for me is that I always had the option to leave. We do not have children, and as painful as it would have been, the choice and option was real. It is healthy for me to remember this. Because I have now chosen this man again. I did not stay - that would mean wanting the old. I chose him AGAIN. And so did he. He had the same options that I did.
So, what does this all mean to me?
Most importantly, with a new relationship, I can treat the affair and OW as BEFORE me. Like all new relationships, he needs to wind down his legacy, and as a new partner, I find myself able to be more generous. He is moving away from OW in pursuit of more time and emotions with ME. It may take a while before all contact is gone, but NG and I are enjoying an increasingly intense relationship. The waning affair is not as much of a threat.
There are NO bad anniversaries. I was frankly dreading the next few months as the calendar is packed with significant dates. Well, I refuse to acknowledge them. And it seems NG has forgotten most of them anyways. So, it will be up to OW to refresh his memory
I can mourn the loss in a clear way, process my anger and let go without worrying about any spillover to my future. No one is to be blamed for the demise of our old R, I am choosing to let it go, and give it a decent burial. NG and I are two people who have chosen to share the rest of our lives now, in June 2004. I am choosing to celebrate a new romance that is starting 4 months before my 40th birthday
And above all, taking an approach of a brand new man bringing a brand new relationship means I can also redefine myself. There is loads of room for improvement here, so a spring clean for the body, mind, heart and soul seems like a nice way to start the rest of my life. I know I can be so much happier
No doubt it will be a rocky path, but from this day forward I am no longer living with a man who betrayed me, those people are no more. Slowly.
It all seems to come down to this one central issue - how can I possibly contemplate sharing the rest of my life with someone who simply cannot be trusted to keep his word, be trusted to tell the truth? 
