Hi Slowly, I haven't posted to you before, but I do enjoy following your journey!
I'm the same way about the clearing of plates before everyone is finished. But in reading your post, I thought of two things:
1. What annoys us is our own "rule" that all plates must remain on the table til everyone is finished. Yes, it is polite but do we really need to hang on to that rule to enjoy a good meal out? Does it change the flavor, the conversation, the atmosphere, the experience? It will, if only we choose to let it. It also doesn't seem to be a fundamentally important life rule, so I could give it up w/o the slightest bit of resentment. Thanks for helping me see that!
2. You may have the beginnings for the "New Slowly Diet" - always eat w/ a fast eater, and stop when they do! Guaranteed to lose weight!
I find many of my "rules" actually hinder my ability to enjoy the moment. And when I take to the time to examine them I see many of those "rules" I can easily let go of.
Hi H2H - Thanks for dropping by, likewise, I've lurked around your posts too, and enjoy them Yes, this is one battle I figured was not worth fighting, and YES, it may be the quickest way to loose the final 4 lbs
What gets me is that I'm fairly certain NG was courtesy himself with OW, opening doors for her, pulling out chairs and hanging on to her every word so he was probably always finishing after her. UGH. Sorry, totally inappropriate, but sometimes my anger is not that he does not extend me the courtesies, but that he operated (maybe still does) on a set of double standards
Ah well, just focus on the things I can control, right? Slowly.
Slowly, don't ASSume that he treated her more courteously... just don't go there. Stay in the moment, eat if you want, don't eat. Focus on the good stuff. When H does extend you a courtesy affirm, affirm, affirm.
Don't allow yourself to sabotage an evening out. Don't give OW the power to bother you.
You are doing so well!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I have to chime in and agree with my 2 "H" friends... Girlfriend, you should be enjoying that dinner out!!!!
Remember that your H is letting go of some past expectations to get closer to you... and I'm afraid that means you're going to have to give equal measure.
Life is too short to get stuck in such rigid places, Slowly.
Let's go back to your autistic nephew. Look to that paradigm to accept change. I'll bet your BIL & SIL weren't exactly filled with glee to have someone who drools at the dinner table. When I started on this journey, I wasn't at all pleased by the mess D7 made. However, she eats and that makes us all happy.
I have a lot of experience and knowledge on feeding therapy and meal rituals. Believe me, if you want to find lots of childhood baggage, here is the ideal place. You would not believe the myriad expectations we bring to our dinner tables...
Mr. Wonderful grew up in house where nobody spoke during meals. If he spoke, it was courteous and a request to pass something. Then he asked to be excused.
My family? It was the only time we all sat down together. We discussed hot topics, fought and got disciplined at the table.
Imagine our surprise when our D7 was small and had physical difficulties eating. We put her in feeding therapy and then discovered how awful mealtimes were for her by our past baggage. I had no idea that Mr. W. was stewing about HIS expectations being blown out of the water, and I hated his rigidity on the silence issue. D7 sensed this turmoil and had a very hard time with this.
It took a few years in therapy, but we managed to change with her. I quit using the dinner table as a forum for controversial topics, Mr. Wonderful decided that chatting was okay and D7 and D10 found it a heck of a lot more enjoyable. The fact is, we really need to adapt to our environment and upbringing to make the present work.
I still don't prefer messes on my table, but the fact is that I can clean it up. A half hour later, that problem isn't really a problem. And a half hour after you and NG leave the table, it's no longer important to you either. At least I hope it's not!
In the immortal words of Mr. Wonderful, "Are you looking for sh!t to complain about?" (He realized truthfully that I did look for things when I was feeling fearful of things... a precursor to disovering crazymaking).
Darlin' save your issues for the big ones. Ones that matter later today, tomorrow, next week and a few months. This one ain't worth the energy.
So my 2 cents is to not make a boundary out of something totally insignificant in the long run.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hey Betsey, HOn - Thank you so much for holding up the mirror so eloquently. I read your posts before going to sleep, and here I am, with a revelation. This is not at all a boundary issue, it is dog training
Back at the very bgining of my life here on the BB, KAW pointed out to me that it may not be NG's intention to behave in a certian way, just conditioning. Soo, it is up to me to re-train my companion. For example, he used to sit on the sofa with his laptop watching tv, while I cooked, and sometimes got himself into a lengthy problem while the food got cold. I changed my approach, until HE was ready to come and hang around with me in the kitchen, I did not start cooking. Viola - we have NOT had a single evening of different paces.
Reckon there are many, many little things that just bug me a little, that I need to re-train both of us. Yup. This is a long journey indeed.
Good morning BnB - I'm feeling fit and ready for training Of course, it has to be done with a smile, as an expression of what I would find enjoyable, and just slowly turn the tide. I do this all the time at work, and am quite dismayed that I need to do this at home too, but if it works, why not ?
Got the KLA CDs a while ago and have not listened to a single minute Next week promises to be busy, we are away (together again) for the first couple of days, then two whole days of meetings at work.
NG has invited me to go with him on his business trip week after next, if I can organise some work too. But you know, maybe a little distance may not be a bad thing. Something to think about.
Hi Guys - Just wanted to clarify (more for myself) why this re-training is a big deal for me.
For YEARS, I have adjusted my wants/preferences around NG, on the basis that there are some things which are just 'him'. For example, when we are out shopping, he has to walk fast. No notion of window shopping, just straight from shop A to B, ticking off the list of things to get. Even his mom, who is a 70-year old, comments that if we go out with NG, we should be prepared to be knocked down following him crossing the road, he is so far ahead
To then find out that the most frequent activity with OW was walking through malls window shopping (and she is 6 inches shorter than me, a SLOW walker) is well, plain hard to swallow. Now I KNOW he can adapt to the people he cares about, so, well, I don't see why he should not.
I saw something similar on MAL's thread, about how these guys don't like dogs, but with OW, well they love them. OK, I'll resist the obvious female dog reference
The things with NG, in isolation they are very small. But it is his control mechanism, So battle lines are drawn, and with the support here, I think I'm better prepared. We will have a more caring and considerate relationship, with kindness and courtesy going BOTH ways.
Does this make more sense, guys? Or am I still missing the forest for the trees?
Betsey 
