I have to chime in and agree with my 2 "H" friends... Girlfriend, you should be enjoying that dinner out!!!!
Remember that your H is letting go of some past expectations to get closer to you... and I'm afraid that means you're going to have to give equal measure.
Life is too short to get stuck in such rigid places, Slowly.
Let's go back to your autistic nephew. Look to that paradigm to accept change. I'll bet your BIL & SIL weren't exactly filled with glee to have someone who drools at the dinner table. When I started on this journey, I wasn't at all pleased by the mess D7 made. However, she eats and that makes us all happy.
I have a lot of experience and knowledge on feeding therapy and meal rituals. Believe me, if you want to find lots of childhood baggage, here is the ideal place. You would not believe the myriad expectations we bring to our dinner tables...
Mr. Wonderful grew up in house where nobody spoke during meals. If he spoke, it was courteous and a request to pass something. Then he asked to be excused.
My family? It was the only time we all sat down together. We discussed hot topics, fought and got disciplined at the table.
Imagine our surprise when our D7 was small and had physical difficulties eating. We put her in feeding therapy and then discovered how awful mealtimes were for her by our past baggage. I had no idea that Mr. W. was stewing about HIS expectations being blown out of the water, and I hated his rigidity on the silence issue. D7 sensed this turmoil and had a very hard time with this.
It took a few years in therapy, but we managed to change with her. I quit using the dinner table as a forum for controversial topics, Mr. Wonderful decided that chatting was okay and D7 and D10 found it a heck of a lot more enjoyable. The fact is, we really need to adapt to our environment and upbringing to make the present work.
I still don't prefer messes on my table, but the fact is that I can clean it up. A half hour later, that problem isn't really a problem. And a half hour after you and NG leave the table, it's no longer important to you either. At least I hope it's not!
In the immortal words of Mr. Wonderful, "Are you looking for sh!t to complain about?" (He realized truthfully that I did look for things when I was feeling fearful of things... a precursor to disovering crazymaking).
Darlin' save your issues for the big ones. Ones that matter later today, tomorrow, next week and a few months. This one ain't worth the energy.
So my 2 cents is to not make a boundary out of something totally insignificant in the long run.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 
