Hi Maya - Thanks for the pointer to T2 - read up on her latest threads, and as always, you were spot on in terms of what was needed. Some good old fashioned success stories
Of course, another major realisation is that I can plan to rest all I want, but sometimes, I just gotta go with the flow. These past 2 nights, I've just been chasing random thoughts - hence walking the board at strange hours. Not bad, just not the break I thought I needed. Evidently I did not need a break
Just been re-reading Tal's thread, and she had something that I want to save here to remind myself that NG too is going through difficulties, and needs me to be compassionate.
Quote: I happened upon some very timely and informative stuff in another site...not saying where...just excerpts and no indication of authors.
Read "WS" as Wayward Spouse and "BS" as Betrayed Spouse
The Question was "What do WS's Fear?"
Fear of losing the BS, of course...fear of facing the fact that they could be capable of such hurtful behavior...fear of not being able to change, fear of being judged forever by anyone who happens to find out--family, friends, etc. Fear of having permanent regrets that interfere w/moving on with life.
Fear of facing the real "me". The real reasons that will answer the "why" questions. Fear of failure, fear of not being able to make things right.
On a personal level, I know my BS has forgiven me, but I don't think I'll (ever) be able to forgive myself for betraying myself. That is my biggest fear, now, almost a year later. I've hurt someone I love dearly, but I'm making things better and I know that it will never happen again. But I have **fundamentally** betrayed myself too... I can't stand being in my own skin, some days.
Right now my biggest fear is down the road, my spouse will wish he had just left me.
My biggest fear is that I caused too much pain and I won't be able to make him happy for the rest of his life.
I fear not being believed when I am telling the truth.
I fear showing anger at my BS because I don't feel "entitled" to the anger, b/c I'm the one that messed up. I am so angry with myself and the anger runs so deep I am afraid of showing it. I have a deep fear of facing myself and accept that I could have done this terrible thing.
Fear of the pain of breaking up with spouse/grieving their loss; Fear of facing the world alone and starting anew; Fear all relationships end up 'this way' so there is not point in leaving; Fear of what everyone will think; Fear of hurting the spouse, seeing the spouse grieve, causing psychological damage to spouse; Fear of who you are as a person without the 'security' of the marriage; Fear you will never meet anyone again that you connect with; Fear that you are making a mistake/should try harder and that you will realise when it is too late because your spouse won't take you back; Fear that you are just going temporarily crazy/are still in the fog; Fear of losing the comfort and familiarity of a marriage; If there are children, fear of losing them; Fear of losing finances/married lifestyle/friends etc.
My biggest fear is that my wife won't be able to heal from the pain I have caused her.
I'm afraid that my triggers will never go away. I'm afraid to tell my spouse about the triggers because I am afraid she will take them on and they will become her triggers. I am afraid to tell my spouse that most of the triggers make me feel tremendous guilt, but some of them are actually good memories.
My biggest fear is that my husband will have a revenge affair, and I am afraid that I don't have the right to ask him not to. My horrid mistake would not make his being unfaithful any less devastating.
Hi Pattie - Yeah, this one struck a chord with me big time. Though NG has not actually articulated these fears in so many words, he has alluded to them, like this is not a competition to see which one of us can 'pull' more partners etc. I'm still waiting for him to be able to say in simple English just what is on his mind. One day. Slowly.
Hi Deb - wow, a fellow Libran... Yes, the words on this song pierced an already bruised heart, in a strange way, kindness or tenderness makes me weep harder
I've actually got a free afternoon, no client meetings, so plan to pop down to the spa, get a back rub, then maybe snooze in the sun. Bliss.
Day 4 of our 5 day trip. NG will not be back from client meetings for another hour or so. Some time to pull my thoughts together
We had an interesting episode at dinner last night. It was a nice grill type restaurant, and we both had salad to start with and NG had steak, I ordered a shepherd's pie. The pie was HUGE, but yummy, so I took my time enjoying it. NG finished earlier, and lined up his fork and knife, and the waiter promptly removed his plate.
Now, NG knows I don't like being the only one with a plate in front of me. And he does notice when I finish early, but leave my cutlery open on my plate. It bugs me that he cannot extend the same courtesy. At that time last night, I was quite determined to dig my heels in and finish my pie. But of course, the tension just kept mounting. Plus the indigestion
Since then, I have decided that in future, when NG finishes, so do I, even if there is food on my plate. Just not worth the hassle to keep going. I'm choosing to drop the rope. Choosing not to make this an issue in the future.
Just not sure on how many fronts I'm going to bend Not at all ready to tackle the issue of boundaries.
Hence the incomplete sentence. 
