Hi Maya - I think I've danced around your questions long enough now, time to bite. But, before I forget (again) there was an intense discussion on Passionate Marriage over at the Sex Starved Marriage forum - the thread is locked now, but here is the link anyways.

Passionate Marriage

For now, I have had to put reading the book on hold, NG is there everytime I turn, and this is definitely one book I'm not ready to share with him We should definitely ruminate over the findings though. At the moment, I'm deep into Dan Brown's Deception Point - awesome pace. I'm just working through all of Dan Brown, was totally absorbed by the Da Vinci code. I LOVE conspiracy theories
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He may not be GRATEFUL enough that you hung in there. You may also be more than a little afraid that you might ever be able to trust him again.

SO. The question is, are you now looking for ways to distance yourself so that you do not get hurt again? How can you be both strong and vulnerable (open to) NG and the process so that you may again discover HOW to like him again?

Yes, I feel that while he affirms that he is happy we have stayed together, often this is done with an almost arrogant stance. A couple of weeks ago, we were exchanging views on how differently things could have turned out. I asked him what he thought would have happened if I had walked out when he first dropped the bomb in early October. His response? Well, by now we'll be back together again. Huh? Don't I have a say in this? And where is the thank you for sticking by him - after he ASKED me to hang in there while he works through his demons?

Can I trust him again? I know, this will take time, and effort. But this is HUGE for us. I have had an intimate relationship with this guy for more than half my life, and thought we shared everything with each other, and no other. For him to willingly betray me - ugh. AND I know he is STILL lying about some things.

Yet another book, by Allen and Barbara Pease - Why men lie and women cry - tries to explain the different perspectives, but damnit, we were NOT like that. NG and I have always played it straight. Seems like the new regime of space between us is just being defined. I'm certainly holding back this BB, and other things from him. So yes, trust is an issue.

Am I making darn sure NG cannot hurt me again? Oh Maya, you have put your finger on THE button. I've detached to high heaven, to such an extent that I am now looking at NG sometimes like a specimen and not really being as star struck as I used to be. We are still very good friends, and I love him dearly. No question about the passion for each other, after all, hormones will kick in But how real is all this when respect is questionable? And his behaviour of late has not been that which inspires respect.

So these days, I feel there are two of me. On one level, I'm continuing with the good fight because I know, and NG repeatedly affirms this, there will only be each other for us. On another level, and this is the 'brain' part, I have to sometimes ponder on what exactly I'm shooting for.

I want to rest. For a while. Ruminating is good, but despite Cainer, no action scheduled for this week Slowly.

A Liberal Allowance of Time