Oh - I start volunteering tomorrow, finally! Once a week with an organization that grants wishes to children who have life threatening illnesses.
I am not stopping with building my life and doing things that are important outside of BF. I do need to be careful as far as eating around him - I always eat more when we go out, but I think once we move together, it will be easier - I will have my own stuff in the fridge I can eat. And who knows, maybe he'll eat a bit better too.
I figured I'd add also...the one thing that's been changing is that BF is getting more affectionate when we were out. We held hands (and he had his arm around me a bit) during the movies we saw yesterday. When we went to his family's for the 4th, he occasionally would touch me - rub my shoulders, etc. That means a lot to me, it's a bigger step that he can show how he feels when we are out and not just at home.
I haven't pushed him on this...I wanted him to do it in his own time. And if we go somewhere and he is openly affectionate, I feel comfortable to do the same. When we went to a record store yesterday, I'd walk away to look at things - but he'd come up and touch me on my arm, or hand - it was really nice.
Hi dfb, I just got here to catch up with you, I've been gone a pretty long time and it's so great to see how things are moving up for you!!!!!!one success after another in my opinion. I honestly don't know what I can add to all the great suggestions you've gotten and your own well-orchestrated dbing!
there is a lot of tough emotional baggage in our cabooses after going through all this though, isn't there?
thinking of you!!!!! and appreciating all your support...I keep reminding myself that I'm a prize. Maybe it will soak in someday! Deb
Thanks for posting, I'm glad things have been mostly going good for you! There is a lot of emotional baggage - when things get good, all of a sudden there is a whole new set of problems. Like trust - I haven't HAD to trust BF over the past year. He has been able to do what he wants. Now all of a sudden, my anger has subsided but there is more of a vulnerability.
You've done so well!!!!!! And yes, you are a prize.
I have my first day volunteering (I am going to be doing it once a week) starting today. I'm very much looking forward to it. BF and I haven't yet heard anything about the apartment we had applied for yet.
And it's been about a month since BF told me he loved me again. I know I was scared back then that all of a sudden he'd be like "I really didn't mean it". It's hard to believe it's been a month already.
If all goes well, we'll move in together by the end of next month. I am a little nervous. BF has nothing to lose, but if I give notice to my roommate, I'm screwed if BF changes his mind. I feel slightly vulnerable. I do like where I live now. I know I can find something else if needed, but this has been a great place to live for the most part (roommates GF has been a pain sometimes, she can be loud during sex and they sometimes take over the LR to watch movies all evening - in the dark).
But otherwise, everything is going okay.
I started my volunteer work today - I plan to do once a week, maybe pick up an additional shift here and there. I had so much fun today! And the organization takes good care of the volunteers - I had dinner and ice cream today during my shift. The volunteer work was often like a big party, though it seemed it was often the volunteers dancing around while the kids sat and drew, or played.
I am really glad I am doing this. I am surprised how many of the volunteers are not from the area. Like...there were two church groups that sent members down. And of the 35 or so volunteers today, just a handful will be there next week. So it's not like I'll be making tons of friends there, but at least some will be regulars.
BF asked if I'd told my roommate about us moving yet. He asked on IM, and I said no - not yet. I really will need to do that this weekend, to give roommate 6 or 7 weeks to hopefully find someone.
But I did tell BF also that I felt vulnerable and I'd waited a bit to make sure that this was sticking (not quite my wording, but good enough). I was living out of a suitcase last year for a couple of months - I bled money and stayed in hotels for a couple of months (one extended stay for much of it). It was awful. If BF changes his mind in a few weeks, I'm the one who's screwed.
I know this sounds completely unromantic, but I have to watch my back too. I love BF, I put him first before - but I need to be first too. When I'm with BF, I feel very comfortable - very ready. When I spend days away from him, I think more about my needs in case this doesn't work. I would probably do this no matter WHO I was with now, though. Best to be prepared...
He did send me a very nice phone text after I said this - just saying that everything would be okay. I do love him.
I spent part of the weekend (from Sat night until this morning) with BF. We had a talk yesterday, actually late last night. There were a couple of things I wanted to say, and I figured my being exhausted to the brink of sleep would be disarming and I could say what I needed to and fall asleep.
It actually ended up being an hour or so discussion, which wasn't what I planned on.
I needed him to realize I was serious about two things. First, I was a couple of weeks away from living in my car last year. I don't have resources if this falls through once I tell my roommate I'm moving out. I mean, if I can find a roommate quick, great. But it took me over two months last year for the first situation I was in, and a month or so for finding this one. I don't have the money to even hold me more than a week or two in a cheap hotel.
Second, he hasn't been doing too much work around the apt. cleaning it out yet. It is VERY, VERY important to me that he throws out as much as he can...including (as I told him) phone bills from last year if possible. He said that was fine, he'd already been planning to throw out last years bills. Not only to throw things out, but to corral any of the crap, souvenirs, etc. that he's keeping into one place. This needs to be our apt., not his apt. with suprises around every corner.
I need a completely fresh start, as much as possible anyway. I told him I knew he was keeping some things - that I really wished he wasn't keeping pics with them, but I can't make him get rid of photos. He said that he didn't have lots of pics with both of them, that he really spent a lot of time taking pictures of the places they went to. I also told him that I still get angry some, he's okay with that. He doesn't see the anger, there isn't a reason for me to be taking things out on him. He HAS apologized numerous times.
We talked about ex-OW some - I called her a lot of names, but not emotionally. It was more in a joking way. The one good thing to me...they downloaded the paperwork that he was filling out (probably while he was overseas), so it wasn't a premeditated thing. I asked him again if he proposed, he said no. I told him that there were a number of people that ex-OW talks to, and that I wanted to hear anything that was important from him and not possibly hear it elsewhere (including if she got upset for any reason). He didn't change his story.
We talked about their R, I won't go into details too much, but it really doesn't sound like much happened with them physically. I didn't ask how far they went, but I imagine that is why he seemed to really believe that nothing much happened with any of the other guys in the group. She didn't sound like she was as interested in BF physically as she was with other guys I know. I think it was more of a control thing, feeling like she was taking him from me.
He had told me that she got upset when he was peeling from a sunburn (we'd gone to an event before he went overseas). It seemed a weird thing to get upset/irritated about, and I was just like "what did you see in her"? He then listed a few things...he said she was very intelligent, for one. The weird thing is, I've never seen anything she's written or said as being anything but juvenile sounding. She acts childish socially, with love being this romantic notion - like a fantasy.
I did cry a little bit, just when the conversation first started. BF knew and commented that the tears were from my exhaustion. They stopped within a few minutes, I just am a bit anxious...my stomach is bothering me, my heart was pounding for a while last night after our talk. I do believe once we are moved elsewhere, a place that is ours - it will be MUCH easier.
Anyway...it was a fun weekend otherwise, I didn't go there until Saturday night so he did have a lot of Saturday free for himself. Mostly we hung out and watched TV, ML.
Oh...and he also said last night that he'd been thinking about us for a while before he said anything, that he was thinking about what he'd want in 20 years and such. He used the word "incompatible" for us again, but said that he'd be incompatible with anyone. The weird thing is - I'd call us highly compatible. Even moreso now, but as far as a sense of humor, things we believe, things we like to do - we are very well matched. Remember last year I also went on Match.com looking for friends, and he was my #2 match. I brought up that incident, he said he'd thought it was funny. I did ask him why he was on Match.com if he was so interested in OW...(he was keeping his options open, it seems).
I guess that is it. The apt. date that we were going to move in was just changed, it looks like it will be mid-September as opposed to the middle of August. I know it will come soon enough, but I just want to get this tied up.
We actually did a lot of normal talking too. That is one of my very favorite things, just laying around and spending time getting to know each other better.
Hi dfb, just stopping by to catch up with you. It sounds like things are going so great.....that is wonderful. The fact that he says he'd thought about things for a long time before he said anything speaks volumes (positively) for your sitch..... I can only imagine how anxious the room mate stuff must make you, and frankly I think a person would be a fool not to have some twinges, but it all sounds so great! enjoy....you've worked so hard for this! you more than deserve it!
Thanks Deb. He didn't know how long he'd been thinking about it, but I'd guess a couple of months or so. We'd been getting progressively closer over that time (after an email from him a few months ago saying he was uncomfortable with me wanting to ML and such). It is really weird to get an email like that and all of a sudden we are doing more things together.
Thanks for stopping by. I hope things go well for each of us!
Yesterday was my second volunteer shift. I LOVE it!!! If I move with BF, it will be a bit further away - maybe 40 or so miles each way, but I plan to do it at least once every two weeks at that time.
I was somewhat insecure yesterday - I haven't known if the conversation I had with BF on Sunday had bothered him at all, but I guess not. He was on IM yesterday and barely put two words together the whole time. I knew he was working, but he was just really, really quiet for hours. I felt like saying "is everything okay", but I didn't. And later, while I was at my volunteer shift, he sent me a really nice text message with love and everything. He also had left a voice mail. So I'm glad I kept my mouth shut, I know he doesn't like insecurity (a little is okay, a lot is not). I called him once I got home, and we had a nice half-hour talk too.
I hate being insecure, but there are reasons for it (just like for most of us here). I had a dream last night that ex-OW found out about us getting married (not sure if it was prior or after us doing so). She started causing problems. What I believe one of her motives was (and I think there were a few) was that she didn't really want him - but she doesn't want anyone else to have him. When we first started seeing each other, she'd already dumped him months earlier and moved on to numerous other guys. But even so, after I started seeing him, she went around asking about me. Then she sent BF pictures of herself. Ick.
So...I think she could try to cause problems. I don't know that she will, hopefully her fiance' (or husband or whatever he is) will keep her preoccupied for a while.
Tonight I'm going walking for a few hours with a friend, so I'll be preoccupied myself.
And who knows, maybe he'll eat a bit better too.