I am out of town for my stepsisters wedding. The day before I left, I stayed over BF's. For some reason, some INS type stuff for them was out in the bedroom - I'd noticed it in the morning, and BF came out of the bathroom and noticed I was bothered by something. So we had a talk about it. He said that they'd talked about her coming here...that there was no proposal, they talked about getting M. But even if no proposal, they were actually working on paperwork - not just discussing it. I guess it's splitting hairs, I didn't press him - I just want him to be honest.
I was shaking a bit, it wasn't what I expected to see in the am. And he saves everything - not on purpose, but I expect he was moving things about and that is why that stuff was visible now - folded partly, but visible.
He said he will be throwing all that stuff away. Keeping pictures of his trip, but everything else is going. I just want to start fresh, and not have reminders of what happened everywhere. I know it was a year ago, and I know I have to let this go. It's hard when the stuff is staring you in the face! I'm sure there will still be some other things around, but the bulk of it will be gone.
It is weird, my emotions are different than they were even a month ago. I put so much of my energy into bad thoughts about OW. I really felt hate for her, and I can't say that about anyone else in my life. It was awful. I haven't had hateful thoughts recently - but now the things that BF did are more on my mind. I'm trying to get through this as quickly as possible, and throwing out all the crap that has to do with her will help a lot.
BF has been really wonderful to me lately - and really, there have been a lot of good times from last July 4th. The spell was broken by then. I am concerned as far as long-term...I know that I can't go back to the person I was. I need to be strong, which I have been for the most part - starting last year (I am female, I can't be strong every second!). I need to know that if he - or anyone else - left me, I'd be strong on my own as well. All R's are risks. I could marry someone who seemed extremely stable and he could go through a MLC. There are no guarantees. I do love BF.
BF told me after I'd been a little shaken up yesterday morning (I was not crying) that he wanted to marry only me. He also sent me a nice text message that said he only loved me - and to remember that. He knows I love text messages, and he's been sending me plenty.
He is totally there for me right now. I appreciate that - it's evolved for about a year. The one thing last night...we were IM'ing, and he said he'd talked with a friend of his. I liked this friend when I met him a few years back. His friend was concerned about our R when we'd been apart...but if BF is sure, then he supports him. My thought was that BF and I haven't really been apart in a lot of ways. Plus, his friend and fiancee' had broken up while dating for a while.
Anyway..I'm typing a lot today. I'm really tired, we'd gotten news about my grandmother taking a turn for the worse last night, she died very early this morning. So that puts a bit of a damper on the wedding plans, though hopefully not too much.
I hope everyone has a really nice weekend. I'll be back to see BF and his family on the 4th. I'm really wanting to get a ring soon, to know that there is a firm committment for our R.
