I spent Friday night through this morning with BF, it was wonderful. Friday night we met up with friends and also some ex-co-workers I'd not met. He introduced me as his GF. This is the first time he has in nearly a year and a half.
We talked about M, and I definitely don't think I'd want to get M in Vegas. It doesn't seem very commital to me. Here would be fine, but I also love the Tennessee Mountains - and you can get a rental home pretty inexpensively and have someone come in and do the ceremonly. I think that would be incredibly special - and we have a wedding to go to in early October in GA - so that might be a good time. That way we don't have to set aside a separate long weekend (since we have a number of other things to go to this year). And maybe some of his family could join us then too.
Anyway...this is way much more me than a Vegas wedding, and BF is okay with it. He hasn't gotten me a ring or anything yet, but has been talking about M. It's been just about 3 weeks since he told me he loved me again - so we do need a little more time, I need HIM to be sure (though I'm thrilled that we've had a good 3 weeks!). But not too much time - no lengthy living together without a firm committment. And an engagement ring would be really nice, but it's not firm enough. I need a wedding band around my finger - living together really isn't a commitment.
Anyway, we are having fun - I am heading out of town for a few days later this week, so I'll see him then (taking me to the airport, and then picking me up on the 4th).
It is really nice to feel completely loved again, I didn't realize how much I missed it! It's hard to understand how a few months ago he was so definite that he didn't want to be with me, but how things started changing right after that. I just want to be sure that he can stick it out, or that he'll at least try. And every R has risks. I just need to keep being my own person as well. I've changed immensely and I need to keep on with that.
We did hold hands some when we had dinner out last night too...I really enjoyed that. And when I was trying to give him money for something that was added on to his grocery bill, he said that in a couple of months it'd not matter anyway - so don't worry about it (not that he really ever takes the money anyway).
The subject has been discussed a number of times, but I don't think he's gone looking. I did tell him I wanted it to be a surprise if he gave me one - not me going shopping with him, but him getting it for me. I would rather have a ring that he chose (even if it wouldn't be my first choice) than to go shopping together. It's like...when he used to get me flowers, it often was when we were shopping. He didn't do it much on his own, he'd be like "do you want flowers?" (sometimes without a hint, sometimes with). I'd rather he just have gotten the flowers on his own, even if I wasn't the one choosing them. I like nice suprises.
I did tell him I didn't want him to spend much money.
I found a dress that I could get married in today. And if I don't end up married, I can wear it to other events!
I finally walked into this store that I'd been noticing for a couple of years - it's at an outlet mall. The dresses in the window have always been beautiful, but I've always been too heavy for them (they actually do carry large size clothing though). I have an event in January so I figured I'd check to see what else they carried.
I noticed this really beautiful dress in the sale area - white on top, black from the waist down. It is a formal dress - but you could shorten it to the knees and it'd be less so. The price tag said $29.95 and it was down from $110.00 - and the sign said 50% off of that! So for a really pretty dress - a $110.00 dress - I paid $15.00. The tax on the original price would have cost half of what I paid!
The dress does not fit me yet - but in another 25 or so pounds, it will. And actually, I'd not need to lose that much (though I obviously want to lose that and a little more). The dress is such where it can be taken out...or in...by a seamstress.
I really love this dress, I can't believe I got it at that price. I probably wouldn't have paid $30.00 - but I couldn't pass up $15! And I did want a dress I could wear to different things, not just a wedding. A nice dinner, or a holiday party, etc.
Anyway - I'm thrilled. And like I said - if we don't get married, the dress was still way worth it!
I had gone out shopping for my sisters wedding gift (something additional to what I have) and I ended up with something for myself. Now I need to get out and see if I can find something for her!
I am out of town for my stepsisters wedding. The day before I left, I stayed over BF's. For some reason, some INS type stuff for them was out in the bedroom - I'd noticed it in the morning, and BF came out of the bathroom and noticed I was bothered by something. So we had a talk about it. He said that they'd talked about her coming here...that there was no proposal, they talked about getting M. But even if no proposal, they were actually working on paperwork - not just discussing it. I guess it's splitting hairs, I didn't press him - I just want him to be honest.
I was shaking a bit, it wasn't what I expected to see in the am. And he saves everything - not on purpose, but I expect he was moving things about and that is why that stuff was visible now - folded partly, but visible.
He said he will be throwing all that stuff away. Keeping pictures of his trip, but everything else is going. I just want to start fresh, and not have reminders of what happened everywhere. I know it was a year ago, and I know I have to let this go. It's hard when the stuff is staring you in the face! I'm sure there will still be some other things around, but the bulk of it will be gone.
It is weird, my emotions are different than they were even a month ago. I put so much of my energy into bad thoughts about OW. I really felt hate for her, and I can't say that about anyone else in my life. It was awful. I haven't had hateful thoughts recently - but now the things that BF did are more on my mind. I'm trying to get through this as quickly as possible, and throwing out all the crap that has to do with her will help a lot.
BF has been really wonderful to me lately - and really, there have been a lot of good times from last July 4th. The spell was broken by then. I am concerned as far as long-term...I know that I can't go back to the person I was. I need to be strong, which I have been for the most part - starting last year (I am female, I can't be strong every second!). I need to know that if he - or anyone else - left me, I'd be strong on my own as well. All R's are risks. I could marry someone who seemed extremely stable and he could go through a MLC. There are no guarantees. I do love BF.
BF told me after I'd been a little shaken up yesterday morning (I was not crying) that he wanted to marry only me. He also sent me a nice text message that said he only loved me - and to remember that. He knows I love text messages, and he's been sending me plenty.
He is totally there for me right now. I appreciate that - it's evolved for about a year. The one thing last night...we were IM'ing, and he said he'd talked with a friend of his. I liked this friend when I met him a few years back. His friend was concerned about our R when we'd been apart...but if BF is sure, then he supports him. My thought was that BF and I haven't really been apart in a lot of ways. Plus, his friend and fiancee' had broken up while dating for a while.
Anyway..I'm typing a lot today. I'm really tired, we'd gotten news about my grandmother taking a turn for the worse last night, she died very early this morning. So that puts a bit of a damper on the wedding plans, though hopefully not too much.
I hope everyone has a really nice weekend. I'll be back to see BF and his family on the 4th. I'm really wanting to get a ring soon, to know that there is a firm committment for our R.
Sounds like BF needs to clean his apartment so you won't have any more surprises And frankly, if he kept any pictures of her on his vacation, that would be a deal breaker for me.
If BF and I were married, then pics would be a deal-breaker. But we weren't. He did go behind my back when he shouldn't have, but he didn't start seeing her (briefly) until he broke up with me.
He has said he has no intimate photos of her, and that was very important to me that he didn't. I'd be completely NOT okay with that. This was his one Europe trip and unfortunately a lot of the photos are with her or of her (I would expect) in various places.
He said he doesn't think anything romantically when he looks at them. He's cleaning the apt., he's going to get rid of the stuffed animal he bought her. I can understand his wanting photos - but NOT in my presence. Most of them are digital. A handful that I saw were not. I asked if maybe he can keep the Europe stuff in a box or something, I just don't want anything strewn about. I have pictures of myself and my ex-H, including at least one that is in a small frame. I don't plan to put it out, and BF has nothing framed of he and OW. That would not be okay with me either.
I wish that they had never happened. I'm glad they never ML - I think that may have been a deal breaker for me.
What I have been doing any chance I have is to get more pictures of * us *. I've been doing that for a while. Like when we went out with his mom to dinner and such - she always offers anyway. We should have a lot of pictures together if all goes as it is now.
I'm back from being out of town, and I stayed at BF's for a couple of nights.
The 3 nights I was out of town ended up being a disaster - mostly. I went for my stepsisters wedding. It started out with a family member dying (two days before the wedding) and then another relative going pretty much mental at the wedding...driving off some family members, then disrupting the wedding. It was awful, awful...there were lots of tears that night.
It put a lot into perspective for me too. I have been struggling with the fact that BF hasn't quite been 100% truthful as far as OW. I mean, it doesn't mean that he wasn't honest, just not to the extent that I want him to be. That does bother me. But I really wish he was at the wedding with me, because he's been a huge support system for the past year or so and I do understand that now.
He also going out to shoot pool one evening I was away - but his friends called him from an adult mens club. So he went there. Honestly, in a perfect world, he'd never look at anyone but me. But it really meant a lot to me that he told me where he was. He could have just said he was shooting pool (like the other guys told their spouses/girlfriends), but he was honest. I told him how much I appreciated that.
He also has been throwing away things at the apartment since we plan to move - I saw some of ex-OW's stuff in the throw-out container.
We went looking at rings a little yesterday - partly for sizing. We also were talking about money - he makes a lot more than me, but he was saying how his money would be our money. I wasn't sure he'd feel that way. He sounded like he'd thought about it a lot...we talked about having a budget, and some really practical stuff that I was surprised he thought about.
Most of the ex-OW stuff will be thrown out. I just am wondering now - should I completely drop any talk of ex-OW and the stuff that we briefly talked about last week? He will know that if anything starts up with her again, that there isn't another chance. Ever. I won't go through it again. He is throwing some of her stuff out, I know he'll keep trip souvenirs and photos (mostly digital). I'll deal with that. We threw out her mug and glass that had been here even through the time I lived with him. That was a big step.
Anyway - do I just try to start completely fresh? Or do I address what is bothering me? I think if I do it, it will be non-emotional as much as possible - quick and to the point. I just want to pick my issues wisely, some things do need to be talked about.
One other issue - BF never really travelled much with me, just once for a few days. Then last year, he spent a ton of time with ex-OW while here, then went to Europe (he wouldn't go with me the previous year), and talked about travelling elsewhere. I LOVE to travel. This is a big thing for me. I can do some myself, but I told him this morning that I'd love if he took a week of his vacation time (he should be getting 3 weeks a year of sick/vacaiton time) for us to do things, and maybe a couple of weekend getaways a year. This is very important to me. I didn't say "if you can do it for her, you can do it for me" - but damn it, this is how I feel.
So anyway, I'm back. Hopefully I'll get a real proposal soon. But if anyone has any advice for me on how to handle this, I'd appreciate it. I know that he was not married to be and entitled to break up and date anyone he wanted. But this was such a deep betrayal for me in the way it happened. I deal with it okay most of the time, but I felt angry for so long - and now I have to trust him again.
Also - keep a little list of the "festering" questions you have - then after a while (little too early yet, I think) - ask him if he can set aside some time for you to ask a few questions you need to clear up. Then go through your list very unemotionally, and TELL him what you would like him to do to make it better (no point in just ragging on him for a bunch of past stuff he can't change.)
Also - keep a little list of the "festering" questions you have - then after a while (little too early yet, I think) - ask him if he can set aside some time for you to ask a few questions you need to clear up. Then go through your list very unemotionally, and TELL him what you would like him to do to make it better (no point in just ragging on him for a bunch of past stuff he can't change.)
Thanks Ellie - that sounds like a great idea. We did have an hour or so talk over ex-OW at one point, and a little bit at other times too. I don't think there will be a lot I want to ask him anymore - but this one thing is on my mind.
I don't want it to necessarily start a discussion. You know how women are especially - we ask one question and then all of a sudden we have 100! Some things are more curiousities. I'm curious as to why he was on Match.com last year if he was so interested in ex-OW. But it may not be worth bringing up at all - it's not upsetting to me, it's just something I wonder.
I am glad that we still ML last year. A lot of our good memories are of those times. It came up during a small talk in the car yesterday - he asked if I was sorry I did, and I said no. I asked if he was, he said no. We had a connection in that sense that he never had with ex-OW.
But I also told him that if he was committed to me, that there is none of that messing around with other women! I dealt with a brief thing he had with someone else at the beginning of our R, and then this at the end of it. I DID mention that yesterday, and I said that I couldn't do that anymore. I need him to be sure he can just be with me.
Thanks. A lot of this weekend sucked - but BF was great. And hopefully my not being upset about his going out will help him stay honest with me.
This is the first time he has in nearly a year and a half.