Hello nitaf. I can only speak from my own experience. For many years I have wanted my wife to be more adventerous with our intimate relationship. I have been HUNGRY for that intimate/erotic interaction for my whole married life. But, I have to stipulate that my interaction with my wife must be more than just erotic. I had a stint on 3 occasions with S outside of marriage, and then some interaction with porn. Its a dead end because it doesn't do anything for me emotionally, at least nothing positive.
Because I have felt hungry for so long, I have spent long amounts of time thinking, 'What is it I really am hungry for?' I have found some answers for myself:
1. Emotional intimacy which includes vulnerability from myself and from my wife 2. Spiritual intimacy which comes from finding that deep connection with my wife that binds hearts and minds together 3. Erotic intimacy. It feels wonderful to have sexual desire inside and have someone who wants to willingly fan the flames, and is there to catch fire with you 4. Love, such as "Hey, you are hungry for some S right now, and I love to please you. I would gladly be there for you and want you to be happy and satisfied. Let me help satisfy you."
Those four things are what I want, and only during ML do I get the chance to have them all. When I acted outside of the marriage, I only got #3 but nothing else. Inside of marriage I have gotten all, but usually in such small amounts that I find myself contemplating divorce.
However, I have had occasions with my spouse, particularly during the first year or marriage, where I got all four in large and satisfying portions. In fact, the only place I have been able to get all 4 in any measure is during ML sessions. So, what do I want out of my marriage? I want deep and satisfying connection. I want to have union. I want to, as the Bible puts it, 'cleave to my wife and be one flesh'.
Now, I am not talking about becoming emeshed. I am talking about a relationship that is, and I still believe this, the greatest thing in the world.
I do not believe I can have union like I desire outside of marriage. Nor do I believe I can cheat it from my current marriage.
However, natif, I have found that happiness is elusive unless I also give back. I want my wife to have the same expectations as I do, perhaps with her own personal variations, but at least those. If she doesn't want S as much as I do, is there something for her that will pull us together and build that intimate connection? I know she likes foot rubs, back rubs, and to have her hair brushed. I WANT her to come to me for those things!!!!!!!! But, and this is important, if I am always giving to her and she ain't giving nothing back (which has been the case off and on for YEARS), then those requests trigger anger and resentment.
I don't know all the answers, but my being HD has as much to do with hunger for intimacy at all levels as it does for just erotic hunger. But, It is NOT an understatement that I have HD and feel the fire that comes for sexual arousal. I feel that fire VERY often and it isn't a week feeble urge either, but is very powerful. Little does my wife know the place her complete unwillingness puts me in when the temptations arise from the coy smile of the girl walking down the street. Even though it is a dead end, even though I know it will result in pain and sorrow, when I am empty emotionally, spiritually, erotically, and not feeling or being allowed to express love, having the erotic component often times seems better than not having anything at all.
