I know it’s all such a mess. After 28+ years of crushing despair, rejection, denial, recriminations, rationalizations, and who knows what other izations, it’s hard to grasp hold of anything concrete. These things I know:
I do love my W, in spite of everything.
I believe that M is a lifetime commitment with no promises or guarantees that everything will be rosy or that your needs and desires will be met. That’s why richer, poorer, better, worse, sickness, and health are all included – there are no guarantees.
I believe in marital fidelity. Her doing something wrong doesn’t give me any kind of license to do something equally wrong.
MB is wrong; sex is intended to be a part of the marriage relationship – not something you do solo. Porn fits into the same category, a corruption of something intended for M.
And of course I know that my W has little interest in sex and appears to actively dislike intercourse. Along with that, I know that I’ve tried everything I know to impress upon her that this is important to me and try to rectify the sitch. All to no avail.
Many times I wish I wasn’t the way I am. I wish I didn’t believe what I believe or value what I value. I wish I could hit the Yahoo! Personals and hook up with some hot woman for steamy animal sex with no strings and no regrets. I wish I could go for the big D and find another, more healthy R without feeling like I was betraying myself. In reality, I don’t want to be that way, but in the depths of my despair it sure seems appealing.
My W had some fairly major surgery a couple of months ago. I’m ashamed to admit it, but the thought did cross my mind that wouldn’t it be great if she didn’t make it through the surgery. I could move on without betraying anybody or anything. I wouldn’t be responsible for depriving my kids of a two-parent family. I would be free. Of course I really wished for no such thing. I immediately banished the thought and felt quite guilty for having had it. But the fact that I did have those thoughts just serves to illustrate desperation that I live with every day.
I do like your sex therapist’s question about close friendship and marriage. I would like to try that one out on her. It may be interesting to see how she perceives the difference.
This kind of rambles, but that’s one of the things I love about this place. I can vent. I can ramble about my feelings and people actually understand. Like I said before, hang in there.
