My wife has oscilated between LD and ND for about 15 years and I have experienced everything from rage to seathing anger under the surface to feeling betrayed to hopelessness to just numbness. Right now I am feeling hopelessness mixed with anger. We have talked D off and on over the past year, are seeing a counselor, but I have lost hope this situation will ever be corrected.
I am the HD in our relationship, and have discovered that if I make no invitations to ML, it don't happen. When I do, the attitude I usually get is mercy S instead of W wanting to be there. This is purely toxic to our relationship and to my love for her. It has added significant fuel to my struggle to love and not hate her.
About 8 years ago I went outside of the relationship to find intimacy and had mixed results. (2 sepearte occasions, only one encounter each). Both of the individuals were VERY happy to be there with me, but I felt at the time I had done something HORRIBLE! (I couldn't sleep afterward as I contemplated I just adulterated), but found myself almost blown away with the contrast of what I found: these women WANT to be with me whereas my W wants to NOT be with me, both before and after this event which she knows about.
In the midst of this struggle with my W, I have attempted to simply shut off my own libido, give my W what she wants, and simply stop all sexual activity. The last time I attempted this I went for 2.5 weeks (not long) but felt as though someone in my family had died. My relationship with my W became completely sister/brother in nature, and I felt more alone and totally empty than I have ever felt in my life. What I couldn't understand was if I am making the sacrifice my W wants, why do I feel this horrible feeling? Obviously, this is not a workable solution for me.
I come from a family that never talked about ML ever, and W did the same. We both live in a fairly strict religious community and have most of our lives, and ML is not something celebrated. In fact, I have felt that culturally, ML is actually seen as something that is not necessary, but if "you must, you should at least keep it inside of a marriage." I reject ALL of this now as a hunk of hud! but it don't make me feel any better since the marriage is still SS and has been for over 14 years.
Out of desperation, I followed a link on Sex Starved Marriage and found this posting site. I've read the first chapter of Michele's book posted here and immediately ordered it. I was BLOWN AWAY with how every single thing in that first chapter jumped off the page and HIT ME BETWEEN THE EYES! Then I found this area and have spend two days reading. I have to say, I am still having trouble getting my jaw off the ground since it dropped two days ago. Two things have just shocked me: 1st, there are actually people here who talk about wanting sex many times a week, and they seem so intelligent and articulate, even sensitive with how they are addressing this topic. In fact, they are actually addressing this topic (something with which I am VERY unfamiliar); 2nd, there are women posting here who actually enjoy and want frequency/quality intimate relationships with their spouses in marriage. This is a foreign idea to me and has been through my upbringing, marriage, and whole life.
Here is my request:
I do not have a good relationship or connection with my spouse. I don't think she loves me, and if she does, it is only a sanitized don't get your hands dirty with something like sex type of relationship. There is a whole aspect of connection with her that is missing, and I am feeling myself sliding into a place where I can not longer contain my anger. I had an encounter years ago that hurt like hell because of the moral issues I struggle with, but there was intimacy that was NOT mercy sex. I am hungry for a relationship with someone who reciprocates and is willing to be loved and love me and both mine and her terms. This site seems dedicated to marriage and not divorce in hopes of finding a better marriage. I could use some encouragement about trying to hold this together because as I see it now, I only have three options: 1. Go into sister/brother for the duration and just feel the pain 2. Have an affair and live completely outside of my morals 3. Divorce, despite what it would do to my sons, and try to find happiness/love somewhere where the well ain't dry.
