"When I am talking to my W about ML, however, I am like a deer in the headlights. I fumble, mumble, get off track, and generally do not make my points very well."
Exactly. I've always got it all planned out in my head. It just doesn't seem to come out right!
I probably wouldn't be so hot in front of a judge, either.
"And yes, writing letters or emails is definitely a wimpy way to make a point."
On the other hand, it's not like I'm trying to avoid conflict. In fact, I'm trying to hasten it. The point of a letter is to get your points out there, uninterrupted. It's a starting point (not a substitute) for conversation.
I like your outline idea. Try some other lawyer tricks too, like loudly shouting "objection" and moving for a mistrial.
I sometimes get the "Yes, Mom" sarcastic thing and it makes me livid. I find replying with the use of profanity immediately takes me out of the "mommy" role. Try "I'm not your f**king mother, but you are f**king rude/idiotic/childish etc." with a look of cold disdain.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, last night we had a convo about his coming home late...he wanted to know why I was so upset and what the big deal was. I told him that I was not upset, that I am beyond feeling upset, that the right thing to do as a human being was to call ( thanks wb). He continued on, and wanted to know what was going on in my mind after it turned 11, and I was starting to get fed up, was going to blast him about how inconsiderate he was, but in an act of vulnerability I said to him that I have a hard time falling asleep without him there, and the phone call would help me to know I am thought of and cared about. I said to him that I was hoping one day we both could accept that we need each other. He says to me, " I have you covered" and then we go to bed intertwined with each other and fall asleep...no sex, but this was significant becasue he has stated in the past he can't sleep that way because he needs his space. I was the one to break away, and I am just in this confused place right now while I sort things out. J
Well, there's nothing wrong with acting a bit like children in our adult relationships. It sounds to me like he was more capable of being close to you (intertwining in bed) after he found out WHY you wanted him to call. He is making the switch from seeing you as merely controlling OR seeing you as mean mommy to seeing your request as what it really is: you would like him to be home in bed with you, you need him there to sleep better, he's important to you even when he's asleep. What a powerful message of love that had to be, to him, and obviously, he needs those expressions and pulled closer to you when he got one. I think that's a really positive step forward.
I'd also be wondering if this isn't a man who really wants to be needed (a lot) by someone (you). It's very brave of you to admit your need of him, we're often being taught that sounds too "codependent."
If I may ask, what was he doing out until 11:45? I'm asking because my relationship is no where near the point where one of us would spend an evening away from the other, except for a specific event like a friend's birthday or a work-related deal. However, my home life is currently so unsatisfying on so many levels, I've been fantasizing about where I might go in the evenings to get some relief. I was thinking Barnes and Noble. And I realized that if I started doing that - even once a week, it might be opening a major can of worms. So is there a can of worms already open at your house? Anyway, it's great he was only 45 minutes late. If I were going to act out, I'd make sure it was at least two hours (I do have a tendency to do that kind of thing when I'm really mad - and at the time think I'm really justified in doing it, but I'm rethinking it because of your post, maybe being childish isn't the best approach for me right now).
Hi SBH, Thanks for your insights. I agree that in feeling wanted, rather than controlled, he was able to move closer to me. In general, he has seemed suspicious of my desire to be intimate with him...he doesn't know what to make of it after all this time, especially what I expect of him. We had both gotten very used to distance.
In going along with our concept of a healthy marriage, both of us have tried to keep alive individual interests and activities. He enjoys going out with friends, would ideally like to go out every week, but because of "life" it ends up more like once or twice a month. Unfortunately, the activities became a way to escape each other rather than providing a healthy balance in a good marriage.
It hurt to see how "nice" and "energized" he was with other people and not with me, until I realized I did the same thing. We seemed better at treating the world nicely than treating each other this way, although we both are nice people. That was the other reason for making a date night...just to have a consistent time to go out and do something fun and reconnect, apart from what happens sexually.
We ML last nite for the third time this week-- even he joked it wasn't on date nite. I would have been content with cuddling, but he moved it in that direction, and it was enjoyable. I'm finding that now that we some degree of closeness and affection, I am less interested in sex, which really shocks me. Last nite it took a while to get my head ( and body) into sex; I hope I'm not going LD. J
Quote: I am less interested in sex, which really shocks me. Last nite it took a while to get my head ( and body) into sex; I hope I'm not going LD.
This seems to be a recurrent issue with many of the HDs on this board. Superdave, Atldave, and I think maybe even Tim had similar experiences once they started up again with their wives. Even down to the worry/concern that they might be turning LD. I think it is just your body and mind adjusting to the fact that you're finally getting what you want, and realizing that it's not as important as when you weren't getting it.
I've heard it said that when you're not getting sex, you indicate that it's 90 percent of an ingredient for a good marriage, but when you are getting it, it's rates at about 10 percent of importance.
Hairdog - who'd like to give it a try nevertheless.
