Well, I am having a backsliding moment. We had been in a good groove up until last nite, when he went out and did not adhere to our agreed upon rule to call if we are out later than 11. He came home at 11:45 to be exact, before turning into a pumpkin or something, without a care in the world. I confronted him without getting upset ( my thanks to Schnarch here) and reminded him what I expected of him and that in doing otherwise, I take it as a sign of disrepect, especially in the context of trying to improve the marriage. He couldn't understand why I was busting his chops over 45 minutes, but eventually backed down and apologized. Today I am in a weird space...the whole thing is reminiscent of years past when he acted in adolescent ways and turned me into "mean mommy", which was one of the factors that lead to my declining sexuality. The challenge for me today is to not allow this episode to color the progress we have made; in other words, I can't stay stuck in this. J
J, Believe it or not, one of the hardest things for me to keep in perspective is that my H is HUMAN. He has failings and he does some really stupid arse things.
If I can keep it in that vein and think, What a stupid thing to do...hmm, anyway what was I doing?, it really helps a lot.
Remember that he is EXPECTING the mean mommy to come out in full force, no matter how much you were HOY. So don't let him have that satisfaction!
Remember Michele's advice of: say your piece and then drop it. Unless they are deaf, they heard you. This is really good advice. I have a tendency to keep droning on and on, because I don't get much of a response from H so I keep ratcheting up my efforts until I get SOME response.
I think you handled it beautifully.
If you can keep positive then think about how motivated he will be to NEVER do it again..he will be so impressed by the way you handle it, he won't even want to act like an adolescent. I think that it is human nature, when faced with the prospect of being nagged, to say f*ck it I'm gonna do what I want. If you take away the mean mommy, then he will have no justification for why he's being inconsiderate.
Can you email him? I find it easier to set the tone for the day via email. That way, I can conjure up all kinds of cheerfulness that I am probably not feeling. But as Michele says, you can influence your feelings with your actions, instead of always letting your actions be dictated by how you are feeling. This has had a really amazing effect on H.
And I have to confess to you: I struggle with this every single freakin day. EVERY DAY I think, Why should I have to be the one to contact him? WHY can't he contact me today, for a change? He is not a very romantic guy...I am truly envious of some of these women who are married to men who wine and dine them in order to get in their pants. Must be nice! I get nothing, no sex and no wining and dining, lol.
So this is a daily struggle for me, but I have been going off results (which there is no question have been stellar) rather than what is fair or right.
Is there anything you can do today to really shock and surprise him, since he's expecting mommie dearest?
J, does he not understand that letting you knwo when he's going to be late is just simple common courtesy? You're not a "mean mommy" for expecting common courtesy. I'll admit that it's a little different with a woman out alone at night, but if my W told me that she would either be home by 11:00 or would call, and then did neither, I would be a little unhappy. A mean mommy would demand that he be in by curfew, any normal person would expect common courtesy.
HP whined: I am truly envious of some of these women who are married to men who wine and dine them in order to get in their pants. ____________________________
Ah, grasshopper, the un-romantic H that wines and dines for the purpose of getting into W's pants only gets a buzz, a full tummy, and a problem in his own pants.
Mike - with apologies for those too young to remember Kung Fu
