I'm with you on what needs to be said to my (and your) wife. Didn't sign up for celibacy; check. I deserve better; check. I can't be happy this way; check.
Like you I struggle with just how to communicate this. I mean, it's not like the subject has never come up. It has come up often. Sometimes I get hostility, sometimes I get apologies and promises to change. Whatever. I wrote her a lengthy letter with all this and more, which is still sitting on my hard drive ready for action. The advantage of saying it in a letter is that I can get out just want I want to say, just as I want it. From previous experience, I know that a face-to-face conversation will not work that way. Maybe I need to take a debating class. The disadvantage of a letter is it just seems wimpy. I should be able to stand there and say what I need to say, to her face. The most important thing is getting the issue on the table and working on it. I can't take much more waiting around for her to do it on her own.
"Then, she read selective sections in order to show me all the things I was doing wrong. So, which is worse--having your W not read it, or having your W use it against you?"
That is hilarious. I'm not sure of the answer to your question, but my wife would never do that. She's more into avoidance than confrontation. I'm sure she's hoping I've forgotten about the book. Maybe if she stalls long enough, I'll forget all about sex!
"You have to decide whether your children need the two of you to be together."
Yep, and that's reason 1A why there will be no divorce or seperation. They need me and I need them too. I can't imagine not being able to come home, hang out with my kids, have dinner with them, put them to bed, etc.
"You need to decide if your W would actually work to improving the ML part of your marriage if you told her that you are not willing to live that way...would she choose divorce over passion?"
Ooooooh, good question! She's very against divorce - her parents are happily married for over 40 years, and that's how she sees herself too. We shall see, I guess...
