Thanks for sharing that, Journey. I do know that "that time of the month" is not always a joy. It's just hard to self soothe when your last good hug was sometime last week and a hug from S8 doesn't quite make up for it.
Scott -Who knows that he's been chewed out/on for more things during the PM part of the month than at any other time.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
I am waffling back and forth between thinking about seducing him tonight (or trying to, lol) and just leaving him alone til the chaos in his mind subsides.
Hi HP, I'm thinking that you should go back to what worked, which was giving him the benefit of the doubt and keeping that chipper attitude. I am beginning to see that if I don't get the response I am wanting from H, the insecurities come back and I think the old ways are going to return pronto. Remember that at any time you can do the firm PM thing to reset him...giving the situation a little space while he clears his head may be an interesting experiment.
Right now I am going to give H some space as well....I am remembering that his attitude is no longer that angry/resentful/withholding stance right now, and I feel he knows his responsibility to the marriage at this point. I am feeling a little less anxious, and am working on just loving and accepting his mental state too, after all he does so much as a family man. J
Journey, You and I are on the same track this morn. I realized that I had really slacked off on the chipper emails this week, for no other reason than HE had begun to chase me and I was enjoying it and began slackin.
So I just sent him a chipper email and hopefully that will help. I have noticed that MY mood really infects him. If I am chipper, so is he. If I am crabby with kids, so is he. Etc.
So I am back on track with the chipper stuff and I'll let you know! Thanks for the reminder.....
Quote: -------------- As far as her treating me like a child, I mentioned that to her when she berated me last night for not hanging up a hand towel properly in the bathroom --------------
HD.
Does she let you talk to her this way? If not, then why would you allow her to speak disrespectfully to you?
I think that next time this occurs, a simple "Don't speak to me that way" would be in order. If she proceeds to explain WHY she has a right to complain, a simple "complain if you will, but don't speak to me that way again" will do nicely.
If she then chooses to do so against your advice, be ready to help her pack a bag for her overnight at the hotel.
You have to start asserting yourself sometime. A bathroom towel rack is as good a place as any :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm painting a pretty dismal picture of my W for all of you, but you're hearing all the bad stuff and none of the good. There is some good stuff...in fact, it's mostly good. She goes on a tear every once in a while, and that's when I vent the most, but usually, she's fun to be with.
Still, a bit of a kick in the pants once in a while wouldn't hurt her.
hi all, I am in a bit of a waiting pattern here as H just does not seem "up" for ML and I notice a dip in my desire as well. We have been very affectionate with each other, but I sense we are both avoiding anything too close right now. Last night he sought out more cuddling from me which was nice. We have a busy weekend ahead, and I am hoping for a pleasant Father's Day. Just keeping a good attitude and seeing what develops... IHJ Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I have to tell ya: I just don't GET this notion of waiting til the rest of your life slows down to have sex. I mean, isn't that going to be a loooooooong wait? How many people do you know who are retired and carefree at 37?!"
Wow, reading this paragraph was like a slap in the face. It describes my wife exactly, but I'd never really thought of it this way. She claims that she likes sex. She says she often really wants to have sex with me. And when we do have sex, she sure seems to enjoy it. Sounds good, right? Problem is, in the past 2 and a half years, we've done it a total of 15 times (yes, I keep count). I'll do the math for ya; that works out to exactly once every two months.
Now, if you really liked doing something, often thought about doing it, really enjoyed it when you did do it, and had the opportunity to do it virtually any day you wanted, how often would you do it? All the time, right? You'd never STOP doing it, right? Yeah, me too.
So, what's stopping us? Apparently, we're just too busy. There is always, and I do mean always, a higher priority. Granted, we are pretty busy. We both work (me full time, she half time), and have two little kids. It's not like we can just drop everything any time we want and make love like crazed weasels. But we can find time, if we try. Still, other priorities never end. Shopping, cleaning, working in the yard, watching TV, whatever.
Lately, I've been trying to make time for us on the weekend. Weekdays are hard, because, we have no time together until the kids are in bed, after which she is invariably too tired. Okay, fine. How about saturday afternoon, we get the grandparents to take the kids for a few hours (which they are more than happy to do). Usually, she says no, because she really has to get (fill in random semi-important activity) done. Sometimes she says yes, then finds some excuse later, before actually having to go through with it. Sometimes she says she doesn't want to lie to her parents, making up some excuse why they should take the kids (this seems crazy to me). Once, she told me she doesn't like having sex during the day. I'm not sure where that came from. Of the dozens of excuses I've heard, that might be my favorite. Soooooo, we can't do it at night, you don't like it during the day..... what's that leave, dusk?
Anyway, the weekend date plan hasn't worked, not once. So to sum up our sexual relationship: No week days. No weekends. Too tired at night. Can't do it in the day. Can you imagine how bad things would be if she didn't like sex so much??
I told her once that we have to make our relationship a priority, if we want it to be one. We'll always have other things to do, we'll always be busy, so we just have to make it a priority. She said she agreed. Nothing changed.
Paul...your story is sadly familiar. It was my story about three years ago. Now, in fact, just two weeks ago, I just had my first "session" with my W in 2004. Before that, it was September 2003 (I keep count, too).
My advice to you? Work hard on fixing things now because they will inevitably get worse if you don't. Read the SSM book. Ask your wife to read it. Get "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch. Read it...it's not an easy read, but you must read it. Tell your wife that you will not live in a celibate marriage. Mean it.
Good luck...it's not an easy road that you are on.
Did I read that correctly..... you just had sex for the first time since last September? Wow, and I thought I had it bad with my bi-monthly schedule. I didn't realize what a roll I'm on!
I think you were on vacation or something when I wrote my original thread a while back, so check it out if you want. You'll see that I did buy PM (at the urging of Tim47 and a couple others). I read the first couple of chapters, but haven't touched it since. Not because I didn't like it, in fact I think it made a huge impression on me. The enormity of my problem hit me, and I just didn't want to read about it for a while.
I do plan on reading it, but I'm curious if it's really working. For example, you say I have to read it, but has it helped you? If so, how? It doesn't seem to be frequency! I can't really tell if the people advocating PM are really getting a better sex life, or if they're just learning better ways to accept the crappy sex life they've got.
I've read SSM, and given it to my wife to read. She agreed and spent an afternoon reading the first chapter or two. It has sat, unread, next to her bedside ever since. Oh, well. How can a LD person not be affected by Chapter 1? I have no idea....
As for telling her I won't live in a celibate marriage, I totally agree. I'm working on how to address this.... I still love her and have no desire to leave, and no way am I leaving my kids (age 2 and 5). As you can probably tell, I don't know WHAT the hell to do. Which is why I'm here!
