Journey, I happen to wholeheartedly agree with you on your plan! I hate scheduled sex but I understand the temporary need to do it, in your marriage. But I think the plan of "seeing where the night takes you" is much better, for the both of you probably.
I may be jumping the gun, but I see the hug as a positive sign that maybe he is starting to dump some of the resentful baggage that has been weighing him down. How wonderful for you!!
Tonight is very good around here. The Nookie Jury is still out, but isn't it always, lol.
Mon nite ended up being a cuddle nite, and I imagine tonite will be too. We go to the counselor tomorrow ( the last appt was two weeks ago) and I have to say that I have noticed H has gotten more affectionate and open. He seems less witholding, and this shift in attitude makes the desire issue a lot easier to handle. I am still hoping for more spontaneous LMing, but I think that's a desire issue H will have to push through when he's ready. For now I will concentrate on making date nite fulfilling, emotional and fun. HP...............I kept my fingers crossed for you; my legs were uncrossed to no avail,lol......hope you had a successful nite! J
Well your fingers did the trick. Thanks for the help. It was neck and neck there for a while on which side (will he or won't he) would win out.
I won't bore you with the details but it was definitely ME forcing it to happen. It was still lighthearted, though, and that kept it from being a pressure cooker moment. One thing I said to him was that I wanted him to stroke me but that I didn't want him to force himself to stay awake for it. If he fell asleep, it was fine.
The difference between that and other nights when his stroke..stroke..pause...snore... routine makes me mad, is that we had ML plenty of times recently as well as had an awesome EC going on. Plus, I initiated it and basically picked up his hand and placed it there. So I get what I get, right!
The nights where it makes me furious is when we haven't had sex in a while, he initiates and then can't even stay awake long enough to act interested.
So something about me taking the pressure completely off (go ahead and go to sleep if you wanna) made him feel relaxed and, in turn, aroused. Who knew!
Afterwards though, I was hit with an attack of "why did I force that??" and told him that I was feeling bad that I did that and I should have respected it when he said he wanted to just go to sleep that night. (which he did before my strategic hand placement maneuver) He said he was fine and that he NEVER regrets it afterwards, just sometimes it doesn't sound good beforehand. Which immediately brought to mind the question of: Well why don't you initiate it more, then, if you know you NEVER regret it?? But I let it rest and thanked him for the attention. I also jokingly told him that tonight is his "night off". And I'm SURE it will be.
Now on to you....
Tell me more about how things go when you do ML. Are you the initiator, or is it always him? When you have a cuddle nite is it because he did not make a move, or is it more like you are being subtley available and he either cuddles or takes you up on the (unspoken) sex offer? I'm trying to get a read here. lol
The reason I ask is that one thing that has really helped our situation is for me to start initiating more aggressively. Honestly it took me the whole two years we have been working on this to get better at it. He would prolly still say I have a ways to go. Quite frankly I prefer to be the one pursued, but since he doesn't pursue often enough for my taste, I have had to learn to do this.
It usually has to involve either me touching him directly on his penis, or putting his hand on me and asking him to rub me. Anything else was too subtle and not "enough" to get him going. We are actually pretty similar in what gets us revved up, but we both want to be the pursued one. Sigh.
Anyway, I have gotten more adept at just grabbin him (even though it really goes against what feels natural to me) or maneuvering his hand towards me.
On nights when he is horny, just about anything will work. On nights when he is not, I have had to be more creative. Things that Do Not Work: Asking, Sulking, Rubbing naked body on him, Lingerie. Things that Do Work: Direct stimulation, Kissing and occassionally Hugging.
With all these new skills, who knows what I will end up doing when I re-enter the work force. I'll be fit for the CIA, I believe.
I am really so happy that the EC is back so strong. He is warming up to the new marriage and it seems that it is irresistable to him! I think that it takes a while to figure out (when your spouse is pushing you for change) just how unhappy YOU were, too, you know?
It all sounds great and I hope tonight brings cuddles, ETC!
Hi HP... Three nites in a row...my turn to turn green! I know the once a week date nite thing will not work for the long term, and we have been getting in a second time recently...there's just a lot of anxiety on my part over when/if that will happen. Since I am the one with the higher desire, I am leaving it up to him to make that move; I just sort of remain available to the possibility during cuddle time. I am not good at initiating...he has always been the initiator, and I am not sure how he would respond if I did some direct touching. That takes me waaay out of my comfort zone and for now I would rather wait it out and do without. Last nite I was okay with cuddle nite being a dud nite( and will be ok with it tonite too) but I feel I do need some reassurance from him that there will be spontaneous nites on a consistent basis. Right now I am enjoying the affectionate, good vibe feeling in the house. J
Quote: Last nite I was okay with cuddle nite being a dud nite
I am also trying to move away from this line of thinking. A dud nite is when 2 people are on opposite sides of the bed and there is no affection or warmth or when there's a quick peck on the cheek goodnight; our cuddling feels close and comforting, carresses are thrown in, and we go to sleep feeling good about each other. I just want the whole package, but he is just not in a place to go further most of the time. J
J, I totally agree with you--that was not a dud nite at all! Sounds pretty darn good to me.
Here is my definition of a dud nite: When I want something more, he doesn't, and he pulls a bunch of crapola to "get out" of it.
Regarding the initiation thing, boy, do I hear you. It has taken me forever to get comfortable with doing anything more than, as one poster put it a while back, showing up and looking pretty. And in my heart of hearts, I STILL want that to be enough. But it isn't, and I am learning that what he says is true--he DOES respond to the more physical-type initiations so I've been doing it a lot more lately.
I also notice that with the increasing EC, it is easier to do this. You know, it is clear (in hindsight) just how much the intimacy had eroded between us. When we first started trying to resolve this, I couldn't even say "sex", and "making love" was even hard to spit out. How silly is that!
Things have really changed for the better and the BEST part of all, for me, is being freer to be myself. And not have to edit 99% of the things I want to say or do. To me, that is true intimacy...the freedom to be yourself and know that you will not be rejected in a hurtful way.
Anyway, I wish you a great night. Let us all know how it turns out..
Way in the EXTREME distant past, when my wife actually had a pulse, i awoke with my wife going hard at a BJ. It was the best sex of my life, and was the best way to initate sex from her that I have ever had. Have you tried this on hubby, and what would be his take on it? He obviously would not see you trying to initiate until it is well under way.
Well, you know, it depends. If he was feeling horny he'd like it. If he was not, he'd be very very irritated.
You know, it only takes a few times of being rejected harshly when you are trying to be sexy to seriously scare you out of ever trying something daring again.
If my success rate was higher than 50-50, I might be more inclined to give it a whirl.
