Hi HP, I think that performance is an issue for him, and he has made defensive comments like I am too sexual now, that we are not 20, etc. ( he is 43 and in excellent health). Interestingly, he has no problem on date nite, which for me feels like pressure and makes me somewhat LD, although I seem to break through it easily,lol. I am hoping by working on the emotional connection and building the rapport between us so that he can feel trust in me again, that the his sexuality will come forth more readily. It's hard finding the right balance of pushing things along/giving some space. Sooo happy to hear you had a nice weekend...details please!!!! J
Well, J, I will post some of it here since you asked...
Also I currently do not have a thread and I am being a superstitious freak and thinking that if I do not start one, I will not need one. Sortof the opposite of the Field of Dreams effect, lol.
I really made an effort this weekend to notice H's show of desire. Normally, I see them and discount them because they are SO subtle and SO tentative that it ends up making me feel angry instead of turned on! It's like he can't bring himself to really express his desire so he does these tiny things and hopes that I will instinctively know what he's up to. Which of course I do, but I really want him to be the one who lays it on the line, while I sit back and enjoy the feeling of being WANTED.
Then I realized that I might be pushing for something that may not materialize, kwim? So I mentally journaled when he did something that was clearly not affection but clearly not desire, and put a mark in the desire category anyway. To give you an example, he would come up to me and kiss me on the lips in a sort of open-mouthed peck. It was not a passionate kiss (with tongue, which I loooove) but it was not a granny peck either. And he would do it, say, three times in a row. I know this is his way of being passionate and so I am really trying to receive it graciously. To be honest, it doesn't do a whole lot for me sexually but I also have to realize that perhaps my style doesn't always sit well with him either.
All in all, the weekend was filled with lots of EC. We made love on Sat and Sun nite which surprised me, since we had our 18 mo old niece spending the entire weekend with us. In the past, this was more than enough to throw him off--he would not have been able to ML with someone else in the house and all the stress of attending to another child would have really increased the tiredness factor, etc.
But he really rose above this and we were close all weekend! In body and spirit. Truly I think the deciding factor was that I was pleasant all week long and happy and cheerful towards him. Really I am a cheerful person most of the time, but I DO get overwhelmed with little kids (one of whom is TWO, have I mentioned that, lol!!) and you can imagine what I feel like on some days. So I don't want to be some June Cleaver type who suppresses all my worries of the day and greets him with a smile, but nonetheless that IS what he responds to. I should mention that this is the type of person that he is. He has a high stress job and yet he never talks about his job and shows up every evening just as pleasant as can be.
So I think this is what works for himself, and he responds when I do it too. The ironic thing is that I feel much better when I am pleasant to him...the whole change your behavior and your feelings will follow. So the experiment continues...
So back to performance anxiety..you know this could be his real problem. Maybe he just feels like he isn't "enough" for you. Can you talk to him about it, in the moment? I think the hardest part for me is trying to GUESS what is going on in his head. I feel much better if I just ask what is going on; 99% of the time my interpretation was MUCH worse than the reality inside his head.
Did you ask him at the time that he was rubbing you if he would like to join in? If he said no, did he offer a reason? Did you ask afterwards why he didn't want to?
Hi HP, I am a long way off from going threadless...feel free to post here! Sounds like you had a very connected w/e and that the tone in the house is pleasant...I know when it starts to feel a bit 50's sitcom here I need to sabotage it by throwing in some hostility, anger, sarcasm, complaints, etc. I have been doing that a lot less recently.
Regarding last nite's interaction, we didn't have any verbal communication...he has told me in the past that if he needs something from me, he will ask, so I decided to allow him to give to me, and was glad he could do so without the pressure of ML. I could have thrown in a simple "are you okay?" type thing though. I see that even though I say to him on our cuddle nites that I am not looking for sex, I do want the reassurance in some way that he is into it, and so I am pressuring him for a hard on in a way. Also, my body tends to be very responsive these days, so he feels pressure to satisfy me even though I say I just want cuddling. He also has the added pressure of adding some novelty to the mix when we do ML. Tonite I am hoping for a low key nite while I sort through some of this; hopefully there will be EC. J
I swear I could have written your post word for word. Spooky.
Also, I laughed at the 50's sitcom crack cause that is me all over, too. The cheerful Honey is working for the time being, but I also want to reserve the right to be a total crab if I have had a bad day, which happens quite often!
He is just a weirdo who never acts crabby when he gets home, no matter how bad his days are and some of them are baaaaad.
I do the same thing re: the cuddling. I do just want cuddling but there is no denying that I am aroused at the same time. So he hears me say that cuddling only is fine, but he feels the pressure from me to turn it into more simply because I am aroused and he feels the need to follow suit.
Hey I have a few more questions for you, lol.
Is it possible that he was wanting a HJ after you were finished and then was too shy to ask for it? I know that H has said that sometimes he is just too beat for the physical exertion that ML requires (this from the guy who is in top top shape).
Or, would he ever go for laying back and letting you be on top so that you could "do" him? Or, maybe he wanted a BJ....
He said that if he wants something, he'll ask for it. Has this been your experience with him? Does he really ask?
Aren't I just the nosiest thing you've ever seen...
I am just picturing my H in this situation and I know full well that he would not say what he wanted, he would wait for me to offer and then he could either accept or decline.
Hi HP, Even though I am HD now, my personality is still shy/reserved, so if he really wants something, he does have to ask for it. Having said that, the only thing he has ever requested is a BJ, and we both found that the more forceful he is about it, the more turned on we both get. The whole thing freaks us both out a bit. J
So what if, afterwards, you had said "Would you like anything for you?" What do you think he would have done? Taken you up on the offer?
You know, I am just as nosey and questioning IRL as I am here. Of course, if this was real life we would be having a drink outside somewhere under a patio umbrella laughing and you'd be saying, Don't you EVER shutup!!!
The only nite he is really "up" for things on a consistent basis is date nite, which of course corresponds to my lowest desire time. His sexuality right now reminds me of that cartoon with the frog, who launches into a song and dance when no one is looking, but then just croaks the rest of the time. He has it in his head that date nite is performance time, and I don't know how to get him to dance the rest of the week. J---who would be in big trouble if she had a drink w Honey
Oh Journey, we'd be dangerous if given the chance. Throw Mojo in the mix and who knows how many places we'd get kicked out of! LOL
Hey I had an idea...it does NOT correspond with your second post on decreasing the pressure but I thought I'd throw it out anyway.
What if you enacted another date nite? Like Wednesday night? Or what if you lobbied for the date night to stay on Saturday but then asked for one other night during the week which is initiated by either one of you? That way, he wins...cause he knows that the pressure to perform is still only 2x per week, but you get the spontaneity that you crave. Just an idea.
Yeah, the EC. I love the EC and ideally would like it to stick around every day. But ya know what...it makes me horny! When we are around each other and the love is a flowin, it just makes me want to take it to the next level.
I haven't decided yet how I'm going to approach tonight. I want him, that's for sure, but I don't know if I'm pushing my luck or if he is feeling it too. That is the hard thing about having a spouse who will NOT let me in on his desire...I'm constantly fumbling around like an idiot in the dark, only knowing that I've bumped into a table when it's too late and the bruise is already there. Just give me a damn light already! Ok, my analogies are not nearly as eloquent and well thought out as Mojo's but you get the idea.
Have a good one and by all means follow and keep that EC. It's almost as good as having drinks with the girls.
What if you enacted another date nite? Like Wednesday night? Or what if you lobbied for the date night to stay on Saturday but then asked for one other night during the week which is initiated by either one of you?
Hi HP, I don't want to add another "date nite" in bc the pressure does seem to interfere with my desire. In counseling, I mentioned that my goal would be to ML 2x/week, and that seems to be happening in the past few weeks. But then I was reading Tim's idea of keeping each night open to see what the possibilities are, and I like that. I remember MM's comment to that was that HD's keep upping the ante, and it's true. When will I ever be satisfied?
Tonight he came home and gave me a huge, enthusiastic hug and just took son to his game. I thought that's what I missed most of all...his affection...and how fortunate I am to have it back. I decided I am not going to push things ( for today anyway),lol.
