Hi HP, well, it's date nite and he is putting the kids to bed. We do go out( usually a movie, or dinner,sometimes alone and sometimes w friends)...my youngest is almost 10 so it is easier than when you have young ones, although thinking about it, it's important to make couple time whatever the ages of the kids. Anyway, early on in our relationship I was the more affectionate one and he was more reserved...he was attracted to my warmth and became affectionate back. I would say in some ways he became even more loving, in the little things he did and such. I see now how my being LD for a good part of the marriage must have affected him; at the time, I did not get it. After we had kids, I saw him as a needy child and really just wanted a friendship type marriage, and resented his sexual needs. Tonight we went to dinner, and afterwards we walked around and I took his hand. As we were walking he said to me, " I remember when you thought holding hands was stupid." I said I was wrong, and I could feel him distancing for awhile, but then things got normal again and we had a nice evening.I wonder if something has been lost forever between us. I just took a bath but I am feeling a little LD tonite...but as Schnarch says I will attempt to heal the past in the present and have a nice nite with him tonite. J
Ok, last nite I came into bed, and made myself control the negative thought that he is going to have his obligatory sex nite with me. I did not sense any attitude problem with him...he was warm and enthusiastic, and even tried a few new things, in response to my novelty talk. It was a great nite and he initiated cuddling this am, which was nice. So I should be feeling good, right? And I am, except I am still thinking that he must be happy he got his obligation out of the way, and now the rest of the week will be a struggle. Sigh. J
I hope that it is okay I post here. If not please let me know.. And I won't anymore.. ;-) Well I can really relate IJ well we don't have an obligatory night but it does seem like he does do ML as mercy at times and to say he did so he won't have to feel he needs to for awhile 4 - 7 days or so.. Looking back I don't think we ever had a lot of passion.. Some but it was never extreme early in the realionship so I guess that left little to lose when it did disipitate.. I donno a guess.. Anyway I do feel for you IJ. Do you at least take care of your own needs if he only is willing to be with you on a schedule oncce a week???
What the heck is a friendship type marriage? I want to know because I think my wife operates now like you were doing in the past. I truly can not understand how anyone would want a marriage to be only friends with no sex. Without sex, at best you are only friends, and you can be that way with ANYONE, there is NOTHING SPECIAL about this kind of relationship. Do women actally think that they can have a successful relationship with a man without sex? This just seems so foreign to me.
Quote: I hope that it is okay I post here. If not please let me know
Hi Smiles, Of course it's okay for you to post here. I appreciate your comments and it's nice to know I am not alone. When he started the weekly date nite thing, it was a good idea in that it pushed both of us to interact as a couple and to become intimate on a regular basis. The problem became when I decided to really confront my desire issue and I realized I wanted a fuller relationship, while he was content with the way things were going. I had to ask myself if I had a right to want more, knowing I had been LD for so long. I forgave myself, and saw his role in things too, and decided I needed to move forward. Right now I am just taking things day by day...I do see improvement, and I am trying not to get too frustrated while I pursue my dreams of a fulfilling, passionate marriage. I am also the type of person that once I set my mind on something, I can be relentless, so I need to give some breathing space to the situation as well. Journey
When you refuse me you confuse me What makes you think I'll let you in again? ( Maroon 5)
Hi Cemar, I am sure that there are many friendship or companion type marriages out there, and if both partners are in agreement, then who am I to judge? My H made it clear that he was not happy with that kind of deal, and we were at a stand-off for awhile, until I was able to confront the issue. J
Sunday... we are getting along well, no obvious tension. As I was getting in the car to go out, H spontaneously kissed my shoulder, told me I smelled nice, and leaned over and kissed my chest( recording "desire" epsiodes here). Sunday nite...I am in bed reading( erotic novel, hehe) and H comes into bed, I shut off light and he starts fondling/carressing me. I reciprocate, but he is not turned on, so I decide to enjoy the attention, which led to me coming. There was definitely a feeling of closeness and comfortability. But... I can't sleep now...I am having all these mixed feelings: although the whole thing was very giving of him, I am bothered by the fact he is not as excited physically as I am. Usually he hides this by withholding when he knows he isn't in a turned on mood, so actually this is a step forward for him in terms of sexual generosity and vulnerablity. But I am left with these self doubts about my attractiveness/ability to arouse him, even though last nite he started out more HD than I did. J
I am just learning some of your situation but it sounds very loving and unselfish of him and I have seen you write before that things don't fall into place overnight but that does sound like a step in the right direction. I understand how you feel. I am guessing because of the LD on his part that this is new territory and if you are like me you are a pleaser and want him to get gratification too.. Well who is to say he didn't of course I know what you mean when you say he wasn't but maybe it was more on a mental level which isn't bad and it is progress. I don't know if I am helping or making it sound worse. Sorry just trying to reach out because I understand so much how you feel about wanting to be desired and wanted.. ;-) I want to help and I dont have a clue what I am talking about.. I don't know if you can relate to this but when my husband does ML to me then I feel like he did it to either get me off his back just so I would leave him alone or so he could mbate and know I would not be putting in a request for ML. To me it seems like a crazy way to think but I have felt undesired for so long I feel that when he does want to ML there is a hidden motive there.. And I don't think there always is but it is easier to comprehend that than try and understand why he would want me now.. Am I making any sense???
Hi Smiles, Thank you for the reply. I was rethinking last nite and I am seeing it a bit differently now, that it really was a step forward for us, in terms of differentiation( realizing that we are separate people). He was able to acknowledge my HD state and reach out to me, even though he is not feeling those feelings. I have to be willing to accept where he is at and not fill myself with anxiety that he is not attracted to me. It just doesn't help the situation at all. It seems that we are forever mismatched with each other...I wonder what it would be like if we both got it together at the same time and made the intimacy the #1 priority, but that is just not where he is at. Getting to a place of accepting our diffferences is a great thing though, and finding the right balance will take continued effort and negotiation. When you're the HD spouse, the "desirability" factor plays a number in your head, which is why I need to keep track of the ways that he is affectionate and loving. I need to work on patience and staying calm, allow him to be different from me, while asserting what I need( which I think he understands on some level). J
Hi J, Well that incident you were talking about would have freaked me out too. At first, I thought that the whole thing didn't make sense...first he is acting HD and then he doesn't want to participate for himself.
And then I started wondering if he was worried about his performance..? Meaning, you had just had sex the night before and maybe he was worried about his ability to get an erection the day after, or how long it would take him to come, or whatever. Clearly he was feeling desirous of you and then for some reason it fizzled. Rather than turn it back on yourself, (boy do I know how tempting that is!) I would continue to place the emphasis on him and try to think of the things that might have been going thru his head.
My H is 37 but he will sometimes make comments about not being a teenager anymore, etc, so I know that this is a concern of his, also.
To your knowledge, has your H ever experienced any erectile difficulties?
With my H it is entirely a desire problem--or, rather, his mind convinces his body of whether it is horny or not, instead of the other way around. His thought process can ruin a perfectly good vibe we have going on.
however, the weekend sounded awesome!! He is really starting to break out of his resentful shell. When he made that comment about the hand holding, it really became clear just how much resentment he is holding on to. I can be a resentful person (though I am getting lots better) so I know how hard it is to ditch those negative feelings.
