Journey, This is what I have been doing lately (ok, within the last few days, lol):
Schnarch recommends following the emotional connection right. Well part of doing that is to immerse yourself in your partners' reality and really feel and experience it. My partners' reality is often that he wants to go to sleep and not ML. No malice or rejection in his mind..he just doesn't want to. So I have been trying to be more gracious in accepting his words at face value and not attaching any further meaning to them--such as, He is not attracted to me; or He is a dud; or whatever.
Now the flip side of this is that, presumably, when H and are connecting that HE will feel MY reality and often make the choice to ML even when he isn't dying for it. I believe that he does this, but I think that I have a tendency to be overly negative about his behavior and attribute that action (ML when he originally wasn't intending to) as pity sex or him trying to keep me from getting crabby.
So in other words, if he initiates I am doubtful about his motivation..whether it came from true desire..and if he doesn't initiate then I am positive that it comes from a place of me being unattractive, or him withholding. This problem is with ME.
Anyway, I digress...my original point was to say that in following the connection that I have felt much better at the outcome. Prior to this week, I think that I interpreted an emotional connection to be that we established a deep connection that would, well, naturally lead to sex! I wasn't giving enough credence to the idea that an emotional connection for him might not consist of sex that night. And if I am feeling his reality properly, I will respect that.
HOWEVER, I so sympathize with you girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is so easy to unleash all this psychological mumbo jumbo but then you get in the situation and it is so hard to live it. Rejection sucks no matter how gently it was done. I often pick fights with my H after he rejects me so that I can hurt him as much as he has just hurt me.
I also feel for you in terms of always playing by his rules. Let me ask you this: Is that reality or a perception? I have been thinking of keeping a small journal, or writing on the calendar, the days that my H shows desire (since that is my beef) because I know that I probably way underestimate his contributions. Does your H ever respond when you initiate, or does he put you off and then initiate himself on another night?
Glad you had a good night and got it all worked through..is date nite still on for Sat??
