HP, I am joining you and Cemar on being fused with the desire issue. He withholds because he does not desire me. It's why he has to be in control of the LMing...if I initiate anything, he gets "angry" as a way of covering up the fact that he feels pressured to respond. I know bc I have been in his shoes but have pushed through my resistance because of my deeper desire for a passionate marriage. I think we are both hurting over the fact that we don't have more natural desire for each other and that it requires effort. Right now I am more motivated than he is...he is content with the way things are, and in truth, things are better than in the past. I can't make him be more motivated for a more intense marriage and to go that extra step. I didn't have that in me until I felt totally miserable. However, I can insist in a behavioral way that he does not hurt my feelings when he does reject me, and I don't have to accept unpassionate sex( but will no longer expect wall socket sex).
The desire issue cuts both ways for us. He is unhappy that I am resorting to books, counseling, etc...he thinks( or did think) that I wanted to "fix" him. He clearly is not open to new ideas when we ML, that I should be content with his performance. Maybe for him the issue isn't so much about my desire for him but more of an ego thing: "just love me as I am." As for me, it hurts when I see his desire become more apparent when he gets me upset or when he is jealous ( what about just being attracted to me?). All of this limits the degree we can move our marriage forward, and why it's important to set more realistic goals.
