Hi Everyone.... I have decided to start a new thread ( the previous ones were "taking a break" and "shutting down", which are way too passive for how I am feeling). Right now I am at a stage where I do see major changes, but the pull to go back to the old ways is very strong. It reminds me of when my son was in speech therapy; he couldn't do the "th" sound and a few others. When he finally "got it", he would then go back to his comfortable way of speaking. He would only speak correctly when reminded/corrected, even though he had the ability. He was in his comfort zone, and he had to decide that it was in his best interests to talk clearly. Right now H and I are in this "nice" place which feels strange and uncomfortable. There is a lot more harmony in the house and less tension. More spontaneous affection. Better sex. Yet, I am filled with all this anxiety and I am finding that negative thoughts creep in, old resentments and such, and I am finding it difficult to "hold on" to myself. I am also feeling that while we have made changes, I am not where I want to be, and I want to angry at him for not getting it. I am constantly using my brain to overcome my emotions, and my brain is tired of holding in the reptile. Journey---who feels like screaming today
Journey, Something I have been contemplating doing is making a few goals for myself, so as to avoid backslides and to keep it crystal clear (for myself) where I am headed.
I see something very hopeful in your relationship. I actually think it is a good sign that the two of you have flip-flopped HD/LD. It gives you the advantage of recognizing that you aren't necessarily a HD or LD person, you are just currently in that role in your relationship. Imaginge that you and your husband were both people who really cared about how your living room was decorated. You might want French Provincial and your H might be dead set on Modern Minimilism. If you asserted your will very strongly on the issue, you might end up with a French Provincial living room, but a husband unwilling to help with the project and unhappy to spend any time in the room. I think a similar dynamic can play out in some marriages sexually. Maybe you and your H are just having trouble finding an Eclectic style that would suit both of you, but it's worth the trouble to try because then you'll have a stylish living room that you love spending time in together.
MM ( Queen of the Analogy- did I mention my high SAT scores-LOLOL)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Honey, I think the goal- making idea is a good one to help keep focused and in control...sort of like a mini report card. But then again, I am a bit tired of being the good teacher when I want to be the bad student. MM, I'm still absorbing Fusion Dead End Rd and Differentiation Hwy,lol.
How would he react if you were to do a bad student act on him? Would he like it and respond to it?
That is, can you flirt with him and get him going eventually? If so, that is a big plus!
I think that my goals are going to revolve around not letting my stupid head get me all riled up about things and, above all, giving H the benefit of the doubt while remaining cheerful and calm. Or something like that. I'm a bad student myself, evidently, if that discombobulated goal was all I could come up with. Spank me, H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honey, I think the sexual role-playing requires a degree of openmindedness, generosity of spirit, creativity and vulnerability that is not present in our M. Now normally I would point fingers at him, but after seeing my "performance" with the dirty talk thing, it's back to Differentiation Hwy for me.
J, Is it important to you, to include role playing in your sex life?
I think I would like it if it was there, but I can easily live without it.
I think we all have our own lists of necessities and niceties...have you given any thought to what things you are unwilling to live without in your sexual life and what things could be ditched?
My own list is so blasted short that I can't believe that my H has trouble meeting it, but I literally woke up this morning with "give him the benefit of the doubt" in my mind and I am doing so today, even if it kills me.
P.S. If you see a fat pg lady hitchhiking on Diff Hwy, would you please stop and get her?!?!
HP, I think the PM book has stirred up high expectations for the M which can be damaging, especially when you're the only one in the marriage reading the book! Time for me to think a bit more realistically... Journey ( who is making major cross-outs on the list, and is sticking her finger into the wall socket).
I don't know if we're still on the role-play issue here,but I think the main problem men have with role-play is that it is important to their ego that THEY are the one who please their wife. If they're playing a role, then they aren't really themselves. I've managed to get around this a bit with my H by telling him I only imagine him in roles that reflect aspects of his true personality. For instance, my H is a crab so the strict teacher who puts up with no nonsense would be a natural fit. He's also very funny and wisecracking so some sort of burlesque scene would also work.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MM, Stop falling behind...role playing is officially OFF the list. The major obstacle I have faced this yr with him has been his "withholding" behavior, which has been my "punishment" for being a horrible wife. We are both beginning to enjoy feeling emotionally reconnected, but I am still the "needy" one. As long as I project an insecure, I'll back down attitude with him, he hits me with a defensive, ungiving, closed off response. So, the idea for me is to stay strong, assertive and clear, not settle, but not be unrealistic. With all that in mind, my goals are: 1. Keeping consistency...ML 2x/week 2. A good attitude...not a problem when he initiates, but he has to be human when I make advances in some way. No more hurtful rejections. 3. Keeping emotionally connected during the day...hugs before and after work, talk and cuddle time, phone calls. EC when out with other people. Resolving tension. 4. Continuing counseling to improve communication regarding sex and other issues. 5. Increasing the EC during sex and adding novelty( this includes working on verbal communication when ML)
