Quote: Had she said she wanted him to stay, and fight for her marriage, I can honestly say I would have quietly disappeared out of the picture.
This is so interesting to me to see your perspective on this! Thank you, Pen.
Initially, I did ask my H to stay -- many times. I did scream at him and tell him to get out when I realized he'd lied to me about continuing his affair, but we later had calm words about reconciliation and boundaries.
I also contacted OW directly right when I found out and told her that I loved my H dearly, that I was starting to suspect my H was suffering from depression and did not want it to ruin our marriage. I said I understood that she only heard his discontent and that if I ever were in her shoes, I know I'd want to know how the wife felt. I said that my marriage was very important to me and that I was willing to fight hard to repair it, that H was a good person who meant a great deal to me. I was pretty gracious in 2 seperate emails (later I was less gracious in a third-- of which I am not proud-- I decided to not pursue that contact path any further when I found DB).
Her response was not to walk away.
Her response was to move back to our state, have a "pregnancy scare", and get her old job back working at his (now former) company, start pushing him to file for divorce asap and be public with "their love".
Honestly, even today, it blows my mind to know this is the kind of person he chooses to be with, though he's left her several times to "come home" (his words--he still calls me "home" for whatever that is worth).
The hot seat is, well "hot" - but actually much less so than I expected. The natives here have been very gracious, and I'm honestly grateful for the discussion. Regarding your post: I do see a lot of similarities between your BIL's/sister's sitch and my husbands/mine. For example, he had numerous job opportunities which would have greatly advanced his carreer, but would have required them to relocate - not to the end of the earth, just a state away. She refused to budge, even though she was a stay-at-home mom. She "liked it better where she was."
Quote: I've never been a black and white person. I've always seen a zillion shades of gray. I really won't become someone who sees most of life's issues in black and white either. I'm a much more compassionate person now that I know it's good for me. And I dislike labels just as much.
This is the key, I think - trying to become a compassionate person, being aware of the shades of grey, and strive to become the best person you, yourself, can possibly be. After all, ourselves are the only ones we truely have any control over.
Betsey, I appreciate your patience in letting me be a squatter on your thread, but I don't want all of this to distract from you and Mr W - and I'll post something re: your latest encounter later. :-)
I can only say that if I'd been your H's OW, and you had written me an e-mail saying you wanted him, loved him, and were willing to work hard on the marriage, I'd have backed off. I wouldn't have been able to handle the guilt. My H's ex had my e-mail address, but never tried to contact me. (I had hers, too, but wanted to leave it up to her whether she wanted to talk to me or not). In the end, I thought it was her marriage and her choice whether she wanted him to stay or leave, and I would have accepted whatever decision she made.
Squat away! I really don't mind--I really don't have too much to post about my own life nowadays anyway. Periodically, I just post convos where there is something learned and that others can share... but otherwise, I have little to offer.
Not even today. I was tired when Mr. W. brought the girls home and I couldn't even muster enough Bob to act enthused. I was feeling a little grumpy and didn't go out of my way to cover it up.
Hey, maybe he can play the guessing game tonight? Wondering what had happened that pushed me into a glum mood? If I'm lucky, he's assuming it's something he did! Just kidding, guys!
On that note, I'm happy to turn over the stage to you for awhile. You've got something valuable to contribute. And if everyone learns, I'm all for it.
Somehow I think you've learned to like gray just fine too. Gray is just a reminder that nothing is ever what it seems.
Thanks for squatting!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: I can only say that if I'd been your H's OW, and you had written me an e-mail saying you wanted him, loved him, and were willing to work hard on the marriage, I'd have backed off. I wouldn't have been able to handle the guilt.
Yes, that is exactly why I find your perspective so interesting and helpful to me, Pen.
My H's OW never even acknowledged my emails-- she hid from me, but pushed the D even harder, researched D for him, saying she should not have to put up with this. I could go on-- I won't. Obviously, you seem a very different person than she is.
Thanks again for talking about this. Every situation has some differences because people are different, but to me there are some things in life that really are black and white.
This discussion has been more helpful than you know as I sort my own head out.
Betsey