Thanks for the thoughtful response. You certainly didn't offend me.
I was one of those people who was attracted to my husband precisely because he was in outward ways and interests my polar opposite... but in many less visible ways, we are very much alike and share similar traits and backgrounds and ways of looking at the world-- at least before he started rewriting our marriage. In fact, he says the same about me.
When he left, he said he could not talk to me, that we never talked about anything, that he and OW could talk about things. A while later, when I asked about this more--when he wanted to come home-- he said "we could always talk about anything, Wonder-- that's who we have always been!" When he was severely depressed, he told me there was no one else he could confide in... only me.
You see, the story changes.
He once said to me that OW was not his type, but as they talked more, she "morphed into his type". I think this is telling:
If you tell people what you want, you are more likely to get it. He told her things he wanted from me that he had never once uttered in my presence. She interpreted this as "I know your W is just never going to meet your needs... maybe I could be that for you." But the truth is, when he did tell me what he had said to OW, none of these things were things I was unwilling to give-- they were things he never said he wanted. Since then, he has received all of them.
The value given by or trouble created by "differences" is--like most things in life-- entirely a matter of how one chooses to view them.
But you are right, of course, that one cannot make an M work by living separate lives and refusing to appreciate your partner's uniqueness as a precious part of who they are. When you look for negative, well, guess what you see.
Every single difference cited by my H as a reason to leave has also later been "taken back" by him. This is the kind of twisting of reality that goes on.
Marriage isn't falling in love. It requires compromise and negotiation-- it requires a mindset that each person's needs are equally important. Emotional connection is not an accident... it is the result of actions.
I guess from the LBS perspective, I would say of the WA (again, being general here but using your example)-- how often did he decide to go to bed early to fall asleep near his wife? Or decide to spend a Saturday afternoon doing something his wife loved to do because it pleased her to have him try it with her? Or ask her how she most likes to show her affection and have it shown back to her? Or suggest they talk to a counselor or read a book together about ways to strengthen their emotional connection if he felt it lacking?
Living separate lives is making a choice to avoid the issues, just as walking away is.
What I find interesting as the LBS is when WASs like my H say they respect and care about their spouse, even compliment us... this as they treat us without compassion, are dishonest and do things that they know are destructive to their marriage and hurtful to us. Let's face it, this is not how people respect and care for one another. Again, they're seeing only themselves-- and I suspect usually from pain not malice. I asked my H if he would consider me caring and respectful if the situation were reversed. The answer was no.
My stepdad left his first wife for all the same reasons we have been discussing. He later met and married my mom. His daughters, though angry about the situation, all saw my mom as more well suited to him. What I saw was my mom change all her habits and interests to match his, make excuses for his not treating his depression and enable heavy drinking. When he passed away, she became herself again. It was generally all about him.
He's told me that he later realized was that he could have had a good first marriage if he was willing to talk to his wife about his wife instead of to another woman, and that he had found out that he would never be happy all the time. He never said that to his daughters.
I suspect my H will learn this too... in some ways he is learning it now. I have learned a lot too.
