thank you, too for a very thought-provoking post. Some of the points you made I already responded to in my post to Wonder, but I didn't want to ignore yours. I perfectly agree that many WAs rewrite history, forget all the good and remember only the bad, simply because it suits the need of the (their) moment. I'm not sure in how far this applies to my own sitch - my h married his ex because she was pregnant, and he thought it was his responsibility to care for them - and you don't need to have much in common with someone to sleep with them. Over a decade and three children later, he hadn't changed his expectations of what he wanted out of a marriage, she hadn't changed her style of living, and he finally decided he shouldn't even expect her to - after all, she was her own person, who had a right to go to bed at eight, and not be touchy-feely, and enjoy parties more than hanging out at home and talking.
We were friends when we met, and discovered we could talk for hours. It was just an e-mail/chatroom friendship for the longest time, since we lived on opposite parts of the globe. After it turned into a PA, he realized he had to make some very hard choices, especially because he adores his children, and the though of hurting them was gut-wrentching. He wasn't too worried about his wife, because (as I've said before) he was convinced she wouldn't care one way or another. I told him to think about it, talk to his wife, and that I'd be fine with whatever he decided - although I don't have kids I could vividly imagine the pain of not being able to see them on a day-to-day basis. The last thing I wanted to do was pressure him. In the end, he discovered that his wife did care about remaining married, but he thought it was mainly for financial/status reason - after all, they'd spent virtually no time together for years, so he believed her life would hardly change through the divorce. She'd still have a house, her children, and financial security (even if not quite as much money as before). This was his side of it - how she felt, I cannot know.
He asked her if he should stay for the children, and she said she only wanted him to stay if it was because of her - not a very smart thing to say to a man who's just gotten through telling you he's in love with another woman, and wants to leave. Here she missed her only chance to hold on to him, and DB bust, if that was what she wanted. Had she said she wanted him to stay no matter what, and fight for her marriage, I can honestly say I would have quietly disappeared out of the picture.
Once again, I hope I didn't offend, and I know how difficult it must be to be as generous as you've all been to a former "OW" while you are still in so much pain yourself. Thank you for that, and for the insight you've provided.
