Friends: Season 5--New perspectives

[Underdog]

Wonder--What insightful questions!

Pen--Thanks for taking residence here and answering them for fellow posters. I hope it isn't too uncomfortable in the hot seat?

I think it's important to distinguish that each and every situation is different. Just because the motives may be similar, all the people and circumstances are different.

My BIL had what sounds to be a similar sitch to Pen's. Wife #2 would not meet him halfway (or any way) to accommodate some of his needs. One of them was to be supported by her (not in the financial sense).

His burning need to go to college and get his degree was important. Yet all she would do was threaten him if he wasted HER money on something useless, especially since he had a good job. She was a nurse, had her degree, so what gives?

He stated his case for change before he left the 1st time. He suggested C and she adamantly refused. When he left, she played victim and was not hesitant in telling all their family members and friends what a horrid person he was. But their private convos were different. She begged him to come home and work on their M.

He did so, only to find out that she only had hell in store for him. For 4 months, he read books on how to work through things... and he got nowhere. She gave NOTHING but asked for everything in return.

It was easy for others to point to my sister, the OW, as being the problem. But she was not. She was someone like Pen--one who offered friendship and compassion. They WERE just friends for a really long time.

This isn't to say that those of you who are LBS are like BIL's XW. Far from it. I suspect that most all of you are willing to make the changes and meet the WAS somewhere--anywhere--and be reasonable.

There are those who are unwilling to do that.

I really and truly see a whole lot of similarities amongst our WASs here--regardless of the OW or not (because mine has not got one). They appear to be running from themselves. Not from us, even if they say so, and not TO OW.

I've never been a black and white person. I've always seen a zillion shades of gray. I really won't become someone who sees most of life's issues in black and white either. I'm a much more compassionate person now that I know it's good for me. And I dislike labels just as much.

Wonder, I think this is an amazing statment:

People who are not dealing with their own hurt tend to hurt others.

I think this is entirely accurate. All I have to do is walk into my Ds elementary school and see this at work. UGH.

Thanks for all the thought provoking discussions.

Betsey