Your sitch reminds me of my sister and BIL. An awful lot. My 3x married BIL is my really good friend now (and brother of my heart) and a really good man who has made mistakes. We spent many hours last month talking about issues like this.
He married W1 a few days after they graduated high school--she was pregant with their 1st son and their families expected them to make their union honest and legal. They stayed married long enough to have son 2 before they both decided they were not meant to be married.
She still frustrates him, but says she is now the mother the boys needed (he was granted sole custody), and has really been a mother now that the boys have grown. W1 had substance abuse issues and the courts felt the boys were better off with him. He did a great job too.
However, he was young, working many hours and trying to be the best dad he could. He married W2 for companionship and to help him raise them. Unfortunately, this R was troubled from the start. W2 suffered tremendous self esteem issues, and because of how she saw herself, instead of building herself up, tried to tear everyone around her down. Including the boys. When my BIL wanted to go to college, she told him he was not smart and not to waste his money. During the 12 years they were married, she put on 100 lbs and when he got in shape (he has diabetes from a motorcycle accident he was in at the age of 17), she got MEAN.
I met BIL when my sister took me on a tour of their plant (they are both in the automotive manufacturing industry) and they were friends. I knew the moment I laid eyes on him that he was special and that his feelings for her went way beyond friendship. She was dating his boss at the time... I kept my mouth shut because I really felt a compelling need to see how this would play out.
It was difficult for both of them. My sister ultimately became OW. To his credit, he told my sister that he had an obligation to work on his M and cut off contact with my sister. Both of them were beyond devastated. After 4 months of attempting to get W2 to agree to changes, he admitted defeat.
My sister and BIL are happily married now, and just celebrated their 2nd anniversary. His boys still keep in touch with W2, but have told their dad on many occasions that she is a miserable person who doesn't want to be happy. They embrace my sister wholeheartedly, because for the first time in their lives, they see their dad happy. With his diabetes being very serious, his health is a major concern.
He also had tears in his eyes when he told me how grateful he was for my sister's support when he decided to go to college. He graduated last December, with high honors.
Ironically, his older sister made some snotty comments about how he could never do anything right, particularly marriage. She said it aloud in the middle of the ceremony. My parents, Mr. Wonderful and I all felt really bad for him. Since then, his dad has become really sick, and his stepmother has wreaked havoc in their lives--the kids had to band together and he and his sister are friends for the first time ever. His sister credits my sister for her unwavering support--and admits that he never had that from W2.
He's a truly wonderful guy who made mistakes. I suspect your H is somewhere in that category as well.
At some point in my adult life, I began to adopt the Native American mantra, "Never judge a man unless you walk a mile in his moccasins."
Add another on top: "Nothing is ever what it seems."
We all have pasts, Pen. There is stuff I will not likely share with any human being because of the shame I feel in retelling things. I've been absolved by God, myself and in the formality of the confessional. I've lived with the sins and dealt with the consequences. But they don't take away the shame. So I understand that concept awfully well.
Feel free to dump here, at whatever level you are comfy. I guess you have figured out that we (Monica, Rachel and Phoebe) tend to be drawn to controversy... I think working through controversy is a good way to practice validation and other worthwhile DB skills, and if we can personalize these issues, they foster more understanding, compassion and empathy.
And face it, we can all use more work in that department.
Have a great weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 
