Betsey, thanks for the encouraging words, and the cyber hug (I needed it). I’d braced myself for flying tomatoes, and instead encounter only generosity and understanding. It’s wonderful that you have a friend in Triple J with many similar qualities as Mr W, because I know how a) a male perspective and b) the perspective of someone who’s actually “been there” himself can be invaluable.
Life is full of hard lessons, and for me, this experience was mainly a lesson in humility. I’ve been known to tout far and wide how I would “never” do this or “never” do that – and slam I was in the middle of an emotional mess I never expected to be in, with no elegant way out. I do believe that our actions define us to a certain extent, some more than others, and I shall have to live with the consequences. This isn’t all of who I am, but it’s part of me, and it is my responsibility to learn from it, and undo what harm I can.
Triple J – you ask an interesting question, and one that deserves an answer. When we met, my h told me that his marriage was over, and they were only together because of the kids (D14, S9, and S7). He said he’d married her when she was pregnant, quickly found that they didn’t have much in common, but stayed because he loved his daughter (and later his other children). He was an unusually involved father, just as you seem to be. Over the years, he increasingly questioned the marriage, tried for a while to encourage common interests, but never really able to find any. She’s a morning person, he a night man. She’s a social person, he’s a loner. There was a big gap in their respective IQs and education. They literally had nothing to talk about. When he came home from work, they’d cook dinner, and then she’d go to bed. She wasn’t affectionate towards him. Her life resolved around her children. He never painted her as a bad person, in fact as a woman with many admirable qualities, but as an ill match for him. He thought it a bad marriage, and believed she felt the same way.
Thus the story as presented to me. I’ve been able to substantiate pretty much all of it, either through personal observation, or through involuntary comments the children made. He's a just man. The one error of judgment he made was to think she also considered it a bad marriage – she didn’t. She was terribly upset when she found out he was involved with someone else. She cried, begged and pleaded. Another thing he’s not is ambivalent – he offered to stay for the sake of the children, she said she wanted him to stay because of her, otherwise he should leave. He left.
I don’t know how “hard” he tried to find an emotional connection to her before calling it quits – I wasn’t there. But I've yet to see him bend the facts to paint himself in a better light. Let’s assume he has tried all he could– is it sufficient to say “I am and always will be incompatible with this person” to leave? There was no physical/substance abuse, and the children were happy. They’ve adjusted, but are less happy than before. He says he’s happier. I’m happier. His ex-wife is stable, but certainly not happier.
Is it worth it? Not for us as individuals, but as a “whole picture”? I hope so, but I honestly don’t know. I suppose time will tell.
I don't know if I've really answered your question, but I tried to be honest as best I could. Feel free to follow up if you need more information.
GD1, thank you too, and stay away from Cortislim unless you’re looking for a sedative. It’s mainly Magnolia bark, which helps against anxiety in animal models, but doesn’t do anything for (or against) excess pounds.
