Friends: Season 5--New perspectives

[holdingon]

So I guess it's never too late to learn flexibility and humility (lots and lots and lots and lots of humility) . Jeez, I keep hoping I don't have to take this class anymore. How come it keeps popping up for me?

If nothing else, it will prepare you for your daughters' teenage years... just wait!

[Lyrael]

Bets-
How exciting for D10! I bet she wanted to stay and chase the amed carjacker...just a hunch.
You did so well during that phone convo! It seems to me like you are fine-tuning your ability to deal with sudden and abrupt change, which for a former crazymaker, is probably kind of tough for you.

The moral of the story is, there is always space for even the most expert among us to evolve and grow, and Betsey, as always, is doing that with great style and panache...
Hugs,
Myrrh

[Heart2Heart]

Betsey,
I had just finished reading your post to Slowly & then read this one. I agree there are many 'rules' I have been off-loading as of late... and I guess many more to come.

I had a question/comment for you - I notice that you very often have a phone conv. w/ MW and no sooner do you hang up, that you call him back to clarify.

Does this really happen most of the time, or is it just in the times you post about bec. those are usually more 'interesting' discussions?

For me I know that my mouth is certainly capable of running at the speed of light in tune w/ some emotion within me, and my more rational, calmer brain catches up a few minutes behind... How could we slow down our responses to avoid having to go back and give the more appropriate response? I'd like to try to get 'right' on my first go...

Just a thought -
-H2H

[Underdog]

H2H,

Interesting you observed this! No this is not the case normally. I think the follow up calls are now a cognizant effort, on my part, to make sure that misunderstandings have not occurred. I was a bit resistant when he first brought up the idea of taking D7 back (can you tell this is a fear for me?).

If you're referring to the convos last week, the calls made back to him were definitely not immediate, though. There was at least a half hour in between them... time for us to think and reconvene.

Clearing up misunderstandings is a 180 for my previous behavior. In the past, when I wasn't sure if we were on the same page, I'd think to myself, "He can deal with it so I don't have to beat my head against a wall talking about something with possible conflict for him."

This was simply a case of noticing I have rules as well. My #1 rule I guess has been to make sure that my time with the girls is consistent to our SA. I realize now that school is out (summer school is a different environment for D7) and there is no reason for me to get stuck here either.

At the end of our 2nd phone convo, Mr. W. said he'd call me this afternoon to catch up... I am going to understand that being clear with each other makes him feel better too.

Thanks for your feedback!

Betsey

[Underdog]

H2H,

To answer your question:

How could we slow down our responses to avoid having to go back and give the more appropriate response? I'd like to try to get 'right' on my first go...

Well, the first step in getting here is to recognize those times when we are stuck. I seem to have trouble unsticking myself when I find myself questioning Mr. Wonderful's responses or motives. Or in this case, my own.

I guess I have a question back for you and anyone else... is it important to take care of this stuff in one phone call?

For me, sometimes it helps to have some time to digest what has been said--to allow him to think about our convo and to give me time to analyze my fears and gain some insight on how I could have handled things better.

I can honestly say that my mouth is not running at the speed of light anymore. There are lots of pauses in our conversations. When in doubt, I elect to keep my mouth shut before voicing my on-the-spot opinion or answer.

It would have been easy to say to him when he offered to take D7 (giving into my fear of letting go), "No, D7 and I have plans with her friend and her mother."

That would have been true. We DID have plans to meet them at the pool after I get home. Unfortunately, it is chilly and rainy so I don't think that's going to happen. During my 1st call with him, I realized I was scared of saying yes, but I didn't know why. As we hung up, I realized that my fear was not valid nor was it appropriate.

I knew that my sideways answer was not an answer to him. Was it bad to realize this in concrete fashion after hanging up?

For whatever reason, I'm feeling better about communicating with him and clearing up misconceptions rather than sitting on them and wondering what he thought and getting anxious about how much better I could have handled things.

I guess I'm second guessing myself from your question?

Betsey

[Lyrael]

Bets -
I think you should take your cues on this from MW's responses. From wha I've read of your convos, he doesn't seem to mind it when you call him back, and sometimes seem to appreciate your clarification or explanation of reactions, things you've said, etc...

I think you're okay on this, because he seems to be okay with it.
That's my thought.
Myrrh

[Heart2Heart]

Betsey,
Yikes! I didn't mean to make you 2nd guess anything - it was more for me than for for you!

I agree w/ Myrrh that your conv's and call backs go very well - that is, I don't see it as a problem in your sitch at all. Both of you seem to respond very well when either of you has rethought something and called back to clarify. You both seem to appreciate it. I just noticed that it happened several times.

I was more asking for myself, perhaps bec. I don't feel I have the oppty. (yet?) to call back. After hanging up I often feel I could have said something better, or explained the feeling/fear behind my answer more clearly. But we're not at the point you are . . . so calling back would muck it up more. He is a man of few words, and me far too many!

I have been working on slowing down - but I don't think I've really tried taking pauses effectively. But I still fumble for a response which says I've heard you, I'm thinking, or I need more time to think on that. That's not easy for me. I also struggle w/ keeping 'emotion' out of my voice which makes him think 'uh oh, she's upset, stop talking' and it's not always the case. I may be emotional, but not upset nor hurt.

Anyways, those are my issues - and I muse what I could do to answer w/o all that 'stuff' in the way.

Thanks,
-H2H

[seattlehopeful]

Hi Betsey

I've been away and you go from season 2 to season 5? Isn't this when they really start paying the $ for each episode? Hopefully it will be a happy ending like in the series. Only 10+ seasons to go?

Lots of missing the toilet, doodlebutts, and buttheads over here. Sounds like an epidemic.

Sorry my meager attempts at humor.

I think it was H2H who asked about having one phone conv. If I undertand correctly, the some of us are limited to the amount of contact we have (whether our own boundaries or thiers) often it is the feeling of wanting to get it right the first time and not feeling like you have another opportunity to follow up. I'm not sure what the answer is though other than try your best and if you feel you need to, call again.

It seems he is warming up. Slowly, but that is better than not at all.

Was Rome built in a day?

[TripleJ]

Okay, since you are purposely sabotaging your IM so you can't chat with me, I guess I will have to break communication silence and let my voice be heard on your thread!

I seem to have trouble unsticking myself when I find myself questioning Mr. Wonderful's responses or motives. Or in this case, my own.

I guess I have a question back for you and anyone else... is it important to take care of this stuff in one phone call?

Have you noticed lately the responses of Mr. W when you do call back after an intial convo? Seems to me his responses are about what you DON'T expect, that he did not think the things that you were thinking.

You call back saying your a butthead, but he tells you your not. Hmmmmmm...........

i have a suggestion. How about starting to take Mr. W's responses for what they are worth. His responses.

It seems to me there is alot of overanalysis as to what Mr. W is thinking, but lately, he has been telling you, correct? After all, he did admit that he had "bottle flu" and a possible mild case of MARS, right? And he admitted (although foolishly) he played QUARTERS to get the "flu". These are all important because he is opening up to you more.

This is something that your not used to Bets, and I think it has you spooked maybe, maybe a little on the unbelieveable side.

For the past some odd months, you have had sort of a routine. With the schedule of the kids and who has them when, a little deviation from that leaves you with "what do I do now?"

Please correct me if I am wrong.

His offering to take the girls when you are supposed to have them is a getsure of kindness with no ulterior motive behind them, from the seat I am in (make no mistake people, i make this statement in regards to Mr. W ONLY). After all, he is asking you to do a favor for him, its just his offering to balance the scale.

Your comms with him have been absolutely tremendous lately. So yes, quit second guessing yourself, if you are.

And remember, you don't have to call back IMMEDIATELY if you do second guess yourself.

Remember the key word here is PATIENCE!!!!!!!!
(inside joke here people)

Big Big Hugs to you!

Triple J

[Underdog]

Seattle, we've missed you around here! Thanks for checking in. When my IM problems get worked out, let's chat! I want to hear your latest and greatest!

Myrrh and H2H--Thanks for your feedback and clarification. I'll just apologize for having a hormonal moment.

TJ, damn it, I want my IM! But since it probably won't be back up for another hour and a half, I'm happy you posted this. Kitti Kat, I'm missing you in the prime of the day too!

Yeah, I'm spooked. The problem with taking Mr. Wonderful at his word is that our past miscommunications have occurred when he avoided conflict by telling me whatever I was discussing with him was no big deal. However, I see your point in bold letters and will take note of that!

I know you're right about his wanting to take the girls as being an honest motive. I never said my fears are rational!

I really AM happy at how our communications are going. In fact, our FRIEND RACHEL (Pam) sent me a terrific e-mail update which was wonderful to read but also applicable to me. And she saw a teaching opportunity there, thank goodness.

One thing I've noted here in my own neck of the woods is that it seems as though we take a step back before we make a leap forward. The step back is really only in my head, and it's because it's hard for me to hear unpleasant truths. Well, I don't think that statement is limited only to me either, but since I'm talking about me.....

So here's my question... do we have to wait until October to play quarters ourselves????

Bets (and a big hug to you, TJ)

p.s. I thought MARS was solely limitied to the greater Seattle area? How about a new acronym for him and Gary: AWRTGDWA (Assholes Who Relive Their Glory Days With Alcohol)????