UGH! What a frustrating day! Full of computer snafus, which I later found out were due to Messenger and Hotmail. I must have rebooted my PC a thousand times. Still no access to either. Is anyone else having trouble getting in? My entire office is unable to get in...
Joanne, as much as I tried, I didn't find something that seemed to look good. Everything I tried on felt as if I was a 42 year old attempting to be 22. So I bought clothes that are sporty and youthful and me. That's who I am now anyway.
I'll journal some stuff that happened last night and through today. Before I do, a big hug to my DB buddy, Triple J, for being available to counsel me back to normalcy last night. I wasn't too far gone, but even I recognize that I get stuck sometimes. And today, Mr. Wonderful and I managed to do a recap and a plan for the next time.
So here goes:
I got home to an empty house... very unexpectedly. Normally, I come home from the gym to find all my loved ones doing various activities. I decided to make myself some dinner and there was no sign of Mr. W. or D7, so I called his cell. He told me he was at the apartment, eating dinner with D7 and that he was giving me the night off to do whatever I wanted.
Hormonal me didn't take this really well. Though I didn't act out like I would have a year ago, I asked him what this was all about? He seemed genuinely surprised at my dismay and said honestly it wasn't about anything other than the fact that he had received a boon by me taking D7 tonight (Friday) on a night that was his.
I asked him if he wanted to rework the schedule a bit so that he could see the girls more this summer, and he said he hadn't thought about it, but that it sounded okay. We exchanged a few more pleasantries before hanging up.
I mulled things over for about 15 minutes and called him back. I asked him if we could talk through this stuff and he said sure. I told him before I started that my feelings were "ME" oriented and not about him. That seemed to help keep him focused and not on the defensive.
I told him I just was feeling bad about not having D7. He reminded me that this was just a gift and told me to go out and go shopping or something. I commented, "I wish you had called me earlier so I could have jumped on the chance sooner." He replied, "I'm sorry. I really didn't think it was going to bug you."
So we chatted about CONTROL and other things related to that theme and hung up. THEN I went shopping!
This morning, he called me in a very chipper mood and began the convo with, "HI BETS! Are we still on for Harry Potter tonight?" We discussed the details about that, and he said, "If you spring for the movie tix, I'll buy dinner." And off we went with the plans.
I decided to segue into an apology. I said, "K, I'm sorry about my runaway feelings last night. All I can say is that my control issues are based in fear. I don't handle change very well, and I know it was sort of unreasonable for me to suspect a hidden motive when I know full well you don't have one. Please forgive me?"
He said, "Of course. I guess I didn't realize how it might look from your perspective. I definitely should have called to tell you I was planning on keeping her, and left you a note on the counter too. I'm sorry too."
I accepted his apology and let him know that I'm having a really difficult time maneuvering through my hormone fluctuations, and that even I find this frustrating. He started to laugh and just kept things light.
So we're meeting at the designated restaurant before hitting the movies. I'll let ya'll know what happens with this event later on.
Until then.... have a great Friday!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I must admit that my control issues run so high that I had a difficult time figuring out why you had apologized at all. So I went and reread a few times.
You did very well containing yourself and NOT being as reactive, as you say you would have in the past.
That's a great thing. It is ESPECIALLY great that you contained your reaction, in my mind, because you had every right to OVERreact. Your H may have intended a sweet surprise for you and yet, his actions were somewhat presumptuous, weren't they? And, I think, he exercised a fair amount of control.
Taking D7 without your prior understanding and mutual consent...offering you the evening off, without KNOWing whether or not this might be what you had wanted and, "granting" you time off without giving you any real time or choice to plan something special for yourself. It could be hubris.
Now I don't put this view forward in order to stir up negative emotions. I put it forward to have you consider that all the control issues are not yours alone, that your apology though accepted, may not have been necessary AND...now this is the big one, you deserve a BIG OVATION, for holding onto yourself in the face of all of the above. YOU CHOSE a path that would bring you closer rather than choosing a path that would highlight how "right"you are.
The ovation is louder and longer considering the fact that your responses came on the heels of a rather frustrating day.
Grab yourself a glass of wine, some bubbles and....maybe a sexy masseur (ok that's MY fantasy) and give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done.
Hmmmm, when I read your post & then Maya's, I thought it's interesting how we all interpret things. Of course the context is important; sometimes it's everything.
However, my initial reaction to Mr. W's surprise was that it was a lovely gesture, perhaps a bit weak on the details. At the very least, leaving a note would have been nice so you didn't have to worry when you returned to an empty home. (I would have worried that something happened).
Indeed it would have been 'nicer' to know earlier to plan for your time off. But something bugs me about this thought - isn't that trying to control what & how he gives you something? He decided to give you the night off, and you tell him he should have given you advance warning to take advantage of having more time off by getting an earlier notice. If he decided to give you a red sweater, would you question the hidden motive, or be upset that you preferred a blue one, or a skirt instead? Isn't this where people say it's the thought that counts?
In the end, because of the context you're in, the discussion of control and your apologies (both of you) turned out just fine. But if I were in his shoes I think I'd walk away with the thought that I had better not plan any more surprises because she doesn't like them, she questions my motives, I always screw it up (can't do them like she wants me to do them), and everything I do ends up in a discussion.
Unlike Maya, I really didn't see his gesture as a control issue - just a nice surprise, a bit sloppy in execution but only because it involves your D7 & your potential worry. I think the sitch we're all in keeps us in high alert status looking, interpreting & analyzing everything (I am VERY guilty of this!) and in doing so, we often miss the oppty to enjoy simple straight forward 'gifts'.
Anyways, I hope the dinner & movie went well and I look forward to reading about the evening.
Hi Bets, Hope the movie was a 'good date'. Re maya and heart to hearts differing interpretations: Funny, but when you've lived with a P/A, it is easy to take maya's interpretation. Especially knowing that P/A men will often do things UNconsciously 'giving' you a night off and then doing it LATE so you have to scramble to make any plans.
On the other hand, heart is completely right in that if you complain, esp. to a P/A...chances are he won't do it again because 'she didn't appreciate it, she is trying to control etc'
I think the DB thing to do is to take the high road and act as if he was just trying to do a nice thing...and to remember that when HE apologizes too...that is definitely NOT a P/A thing!!!!!
It probably comes down to when we were all IN LOVE...we didnt second guess motives because we hadn't yet been hurt. To get the love back, I think you really do have to do a 180 and just decide to put positive spins on his actions to reap more positive actions.
With a born and bred PA...they will take advantage of this,but Bets, somehow I get the feeling that Mr. W. LEARNED how to be a PA instead of starting out that way. So maybe, with enough love and trust, he can SNAP OUTTA IT. (thinking Cher when I write that). At some point, I think we have to change how we respond to a PA and maybe, hopefully, even point out when we see things as PA. But that is only after all the good feels come back!
Just checking in to see what happed last night...glad you got to go as a family, tho I would have loved to meet you and D7 for a Harry Potter fix!
I absolutely agree with gd that the path for Bets is to do and say nothing negative to MW. My FIRST point was that she was shouldering the blame when I thought it was equally MW's. Either he was thoughtless or he was controlling.The thing about a conflict avoider is that they do find other ways (passive aggressive) to GET YOU and then maintain that nice guy image.
My SECOND and MAIN point was that she had responded MAGNIFICIENTLY by CHOOSING a DB path that would bring her closer to a positive goal rather than HASHING it out. So the BEST revenge for Betsey, was to live well and right! (...bath, bubbles and good book!)
Maya, H2H and GD, I appreciate the comments and various interpretations of them. Now I want you guys to remember that I prefaced that post with the fact that my hormones are out of whack. And I tend to get stuck when I'm in this part of my cycle.
I didn't have an issue with the "gift" aspect of Mr. W's surprise. It was the fact that he had D7, our arrangements have always been for me to have the girls unless our schedules have conflicts, and THEN we are supposed to discuss them. All it would have taken for me to have the aha moment was to find a note on the counter that said, "Bets, I have D7 for the night! Have a good time shopping or doing something you enjoy. Thanks for switching with me. Talk to you later, K."
I can promise you that I would have reacted VERY differently. I also mentioned that I told him my feelings were all about me... not that he had done something gravely wrong.
It reminded me of a night after college when I came home to my parents' house (I lived there), and found a completely set table with food on plates and chairs back away from the table, the front door wide open (in Northern VA! With a cop for a dad! Unspeakable!) and nobody there.
I knew right then that something was wrong (story for another day, and it was not happy).
Thursday night just smacked of that. Not to mention that D7 is due for a big seizure (which lands her in the hospital). He agreed yesterday that had he been in my shoes, he would have noticed her overnight bag gone with all her meds and ASSumed I had to take an emergency trip to the ER.
Nothing with D7 is ever simple or straight forward!
On to last night... it was really good. I'll thank the memory of a conversation containing free advice from my grandmother last summer (which I posted in H2H's thread). Basically, she reminded me that nobody belongs to me, nobody owns me and that I have free will to love as I choose and not to ask God for any more than that.
It helped me just really lighten up and have fun. And that, we did.
We had dinner together and really enjoyed just catching up. His phone rang and it was the person who is designing our golf tournament brochure, with questions. He posed a few of them to me for input and told the lady, "Yes, she's sitting across from me." The lady must have said something along the lines of "OH!" because I saw him grin while he answered her... along the lines of being glad that I was there even if just for good timing.
We headed to the theater and took turns holding D7. Before it started, he commented, "It's been at least 2 years since I saw a movie in a theater. How about you?" I said, "No, it's something the girls and I do fairly often. Which is how I know what to expect from D7."
He looked at me funny and said, "Well, if I miss the movie again, I'm not going to be happy."
Ouch. Resentment still there. This is a lingering memory for him and he hasn't let go. I opted for validation.
Me: "K, if she acts up, I'll take her out. Okay?"
The movie was great, D7 was perfectly behaved and attentive and at the end, we stood up and he said with a slight frown, "Hmmmmm. She WAS really good." He then smiled and gave her a hug and told her how proud he was of her. We all clapped and left. (D7 loves approval.)
One other item of note. I could feel him really looking at me during the movie. Don't know what he was thinking, but it happened quite a few times. We discussed the movie and the books on the way to our trucks (yes, we're a truck kind of family). He strapped D7 into the seat and put her stuff in mine and hopped in his as we waved back and forth. I saw him just sitting there looking at us, with an unidentifiable expression on his face. We left.
Oh, and we did discuss camping. I asked him if he would plan a trip for a time after D10 gets home. He asked what I had in mind and I commented the weekend of the 4th of July. Well, that got nixed because he has to work. The weekend before he asked me to take the girls because he's going to GARY's birthday party. We'll see.
At any rate, he mentioned finding a good weekend to schedule it, and it was very clear that I was going with the family. He seemed to have no trouble with that concept.
Now, I have to chase D7 on her scooter and get ready for my reading at mass later on today.
Thanks for the great comments!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
YIKES! Boy, did I pick the wrong week to stay away from the bb!
Betsy, you never cease to amaze me each time I read your thread! ... and the guidance given ... you folks can go pro!!!
There's one point that stood out that Pen had mentioned that I think should not be overlooked in regards to ...
Quote: What works best for ME and the girls--and him--is the friends approach. He seems to be thinking more warmly and happily when we are interacting as friends. Hence, my invitation to see the movie. And I think he really misses me as his friend too.... he accepted it before I could say Bob Barker!
I know some of you who have been posting with me for the duration know that Mr. Wonderful and I started our R as friends. After doing things for a few months as friends, we went out as a couple in a big group of friends... where he finally admitted to finding me very atrractive and date interest worthy. We had done nothing up to that point other than go out to lunch, bowling or sit outside our building on a park bench and eat lunch together. (We worked together.)
If I can barrage that fortress using the "friends" method--one that I've journaled and seems to work the best--I think there might stand a snowball's chance in hell that he won't want to choose to see me as the sole problem.
... and going to the movies with D7 & camping out when D10 comes back is all great ways to reconnect as a family, but just as important is UD & Mr. W one-on-one time to spend moments together again like you described above. Its important that if Mr. W is to feel a reconnection with you, that there are times you spend together with no other distractions. So when the feeling do surface, he knows its because of you!! He will not be able to mix up those feelings with the presence of your dd's or anything else but you!
... and the one-on-one time will be the stone that gets the second bird...
Quote: I don't have the answers, guys and gals. Mr. W's brother and SIL are really puzzled by this stuff. My BIL is also a conflict avoider, but he's said through SIL, there is more here than just that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I smell fear.
As the cliche goes ... no other way to conquer fear than to face it ... to demonstrate that the premise on which the fear is based does not exist any longer.
I going to liken it here to a person who has a fear of dogs to the point that they feel intimidated by their presence, but allow that person to spend some quality alone time with the friendliest of dogs and that fear will go away as their comfort level goes up. This is an oversimplification, but my point is I get the sense Mr.W is still feeling uncomfortable being alone with you because of that fear. (and I may not be reading this right, but maybe its also true the other way around too?) You have to reach a point where you each feel comfortable just being with each other when your attention is on nothing else and allow yourselves to enjoy those moments. So ... should we add "Lassie" to your long list of aliases?
I'm afraid of the dog! I'm afraid of the dog! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't leave me alone in the room with the dog!
Yes, you're certainly correct about me being afraid of this. Which is why, I guess, going to the movies last night was a good start. Although D7 was with us, she is nonverbal and while she entertains herself (coloring while slugging down a chocolate milk shake), we talk.
I'm taking your comments to heart, though. Point taken! I'm thinking that it might be a bit easier for this to become clear for both of us if we hang out as a family--first. I'll let you know if anything transpires.
Pen, where the heck are you? You come here with good comments and then disappear? Pam and Mer, this includes the 2 of you!
D7 and I were watching Hercules today when Mr. W. rang. He had finished golf and said, "So what's the plan tonight?" I was speechless. I managed to muster, "What do you mean?" He commented, "Well, what's on the agenda?"
This clearly caught me off guard. I managed to stammer a bit before he spoke, "Do I have D7 tonight?" I finally answered, "No. You had her last weekend. We're heading to church soon and that's fine."
He added, "Well, I figured I should check in with you seeing that my communication skills have been poor lately. I didn't want to assume anything."
He offered more. I'm still just letting this be. "I'm taking Gary's brother to see the Studebaker in a few minutes (he wants to buy it), and then Gary thought about having an impromptu BBQ."
He then continued, after clearing his throat...
"Is it okay if I come over tomorrow?"
Before I go on, it was like being in a dream, where I could not muster any words. I was a mute as D7. So he spoke again.
"I want to finish cleaning up after draining the hot tub."
Me: "Okay."
MW: "I was thinking about coming over in the morning. I would like to mow the lawn too."
Me: "Well, I had planned on doing it in the next half hour. I'm dressed for it, and it's overcast, which is ideal."
MW: "Bets, please leave it for me if you can stand looking at it another day. I'd really like to do it for you. Okay?"
Me: "Well, if you insist... I can handle looking at it. Thank you."
MW: "You're welcome."
Maybe I'll clean off the patio furniture again (it seems to be barraged with sap this year, and I keep cleaning it) and set up the cribbage board. That's a clear winner.
Who knows?
So is it okay if I stay scared of dogs until I meet one that shows me they're not a scary breed?
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 
