Friends: Season 5--New perspectives

[Underdog]

Good morning all!

KK--Darlin' you don't have to worry about me DOING anything right now! As I prefaced earlier, these were just thoughts rambling through my head. Musings that I feel I cannot ignore.

You know me well enough that if I end up filing, it's going to be because I'm darned sick of this stuff and I want to really put all of this behind me. Who knows?

Merrick--I wish I could tell you that the hormones have nothing to do with anything. Ever since I've had to deal with them, I haven't had mood fluctuations or surges in sadness. Now that "my train has left the station", I am paying close attention to how I feel before the event, during and after. It is VERY different than before.

Look at it this way: all of us, including your W, will take this path. So you'll get stuck with the experience any way you cut the mustard! There are lots of books available on the subject, and maybe this is a good point to steer all men in our age bracket to read one or two? I can promise you that the more compassionate you are and the more understanding you have about the process, the better off everyone will be.

Karen...

I know we have had so many uncanny parallels. And I believe I've posted my conclusions, which match yours: I don't want him to be the "victim" any more than he's already become (in his mind).

After a few chats and input here, I spent the evening and night really mulling through things. Mike, I appreciate your e-mail. And if I went the D route, it would be for the reasons you mentioned. It's well thought out and I would be lying if I said I haven't considered your perspective.

What works best for ME and the girls--and him--is the friends approach. He seems to be thinking more warmly and happily when we are interacting as friends. Hence, my invitation to see the movie. And I think he really misses me as his friend too.... he accepted it before I could say Bob Barker!

I know some of you who have been posting with me for the duration know that Mr. Wonderful and I started our R as friends. After doing things for a few months as friends, we went out as a couple in a big group of friends... where he finally admitted to finding me very atrractive and date interest worthy. We had done nothing up to that point other than go out to lunch, bowling or sit outside our building on a park bench and eat lunch together. (We worked together.)

If I can barrage that fortress using the "friends" method--one that I've journaled and seems to work the best--I think there might stand a snowball's chance in hell that he won't want to choose to see me as the sole problem.

Myrrh and HOn were right that he's finally sharing some of his more negative feelings with me. I don't look at it as a baby step or anything. But I have to comment that it is very different than the guy who's shown himself to me over the past year+.

I guess I didn't expect to feel angry about his perceptions. Well, that is just more of an indicator to me that I've asked him to open up. He's doing it. But I asked him to be honest, and I think I need to put some of the content aside to see the bigger picture.

So here goes my list of positives:

1. We DO talk. Often. As friends. He phones me 95% of the time just to chat.
2. He told me the other night that he cares deeply for me and about me, and that the decision he will ultimately make will be for each one of us first and the girls 2nd.
3. He is finally sharing a part of him that has been closed off and sealed for a year and a half. I don't have to like what he's sharing, but it's something different.
4. I began this journey feeling VERY negative, worthless, unattractive, unhealthy and hopeless. I need to accept that he's got to start here too, in order to change for the better.
5. Whether or not he will agree to this statement, we DO have a lot in common. We love music, being outside, camping and reading.
6. He couldn't be married to a nicer and more understanding person than me.

(Unfortunately, I'm human too. And I have my own set of character flaws and defects.)

Merrick, you asked a question about my EA. It lasted about 10 months total. Mr. Wonderful found out about it when I told him about it. I was a mess and he held me but acted like I told him I had run over the neighbor's dog.

He had that glazed over expression in his eyes that became obvious to me after he moved out... one that told me how empty and dead he felt inside. I wish I knew then what I know now... but I had just begun counseling myself. I was in no position to really evaluate anyone other than myself. And I was desperately unhappy and lonely at the time.

After he left and in MC he told me how he figured out that he didn't love me anymore: he didn't feel rage when I told him. I have my own theory on this, though.

He was so dead inside, I don't think he felt anything about anyone, including himself. He compared his then present feelings to how he felt when we were dating and my ex came a-calling. Well, things were different, so that explanation didn't sit well with me--then or now.

I see it as a smokescreen for the much larger issue: he's desperately unhappy being him.

Pam and I had a chat yesterday afternoon, and she was able to point out some similarities between Mr. W. and her H. It was what spurred me into really contemplating what has worked in the past. Being connected to me as a human is what has the best chance of working. At least right now.

I can manage to do that too. I'm going to ask him to plan a weekend camping trip after D10 gets back. It's an activity that is fun, relaxing and a way to connect with us again. If anything can point to any magic in this equation, it's that. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm going to be a very busy ranger. I've accepted an unpaid position to sit on a committee to rewrite Medicaid determination criteria and eligibility. It's going to require a great deal of my free time and energy, and it will last for about 18 months.

I was hand picked, along with one other attorney gentleman who also has a special needs son, for this job by our state Medicaid director (the one who invited me to come testify). I was very hesitant to agree to do this, because of the time constraints. However, it was something I felt I could change for the better, and I will make lots of new contacts and gain more insight and perspective into a world that was previously unknown to me.

I have to end this on a more fun note, so I'll sign off by saying that the day Mr. Wonderful asked me to go out as friends, I was wearing an ultrasuede mini-skirt. He's a leg man, and I've got plenty. Tonight, D7 and I are going shopping for a more 40-ish appropriate version of the same! Which, of course, I will wear tomorrow night for the movies.

Betsey