Friends: Season 5--New perspectives

[Underdog]

Believe me, I've been mulling over pretty much everything everyone has said. You have all given me some stuff to work with.

One thing I forgot to mention in my post last night and yesterday afternoon. Yesterday afternoon, Mr. W. called me to "ask me" whether or not I wanted to get D7 back at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning or did I just want to keep her Friday night? I found myself fuming, but since I don't ever want D7 to think she's not my #1 priority, I told him Friday night would work just fine.

And I stewed. I also agreed to bypass the 24 hour rule to address what I felt was insensitive of him. But I compromised on bringing it up later that evening.

He hedged his bets by calling me from his car on his way to get D7. He apologized for springing the last minute changes on me. I told him I appreciated his consideration.

At the end of convo #1 (later in the evening), we were discussing the art of getting angry. I mentioned to him that I felt better after his second call because I WAS angry with him. He seemed extremely surprised and commented, "Really? I would have never guessed. Why were you angry?"

I responded, "Well, because I wasn't asked."

He replied, "Yes I did. That's what I was asking when I called. Wasn't it?"

I said, "No, our usual schedule is for you to bring back the girls in the afternoon sometime. I had made plans. You gave me a choice between 2 that worked for you without asking me specifically if it was okay with me. Because how I see it is that you asked me to forgo my Saturday plans only or both Friday and Saturday."

He said, "Hmmm. I see what you're saying. I really was asking if having a 7:45 tee time was okay with you. But I realize I didn't speak well enough to that."

POINT TAKEN.

Pam, this is what I was going to tell you in the chat.

I also followed that part of the convo up with the following:

Me: "No matter what happens, you are still the dad and I am still the mom, and nothing that happens will change this. We are going to be communicating actively for the rest of our lives. So that is going to require that we are both very specific on our needs and wants, and wording them appropriately. I have as much work to do in this area as you do. Either way, we're going to have conflicts. Lots of them. And it's going to take 2 heads to come up with solutions."

MW: "I agree."

Linda, I KNOW this is hard. I've never thought otherwise.

Right now, I'm going to combat some of my anger with action. Earlier this afternoon, I left Mr. W. a voicemail asking him to call me back. He called me from his cell, from his car. Good. Nearly 99% of the time, I get a guy that is friendly and upbeat.

Note to me: I know I've mentioned this before, but maybe there is real estate that looks like a car that moves? I could move him in so I could get a more positive side of this man?

Anyway, we discussed the tornado warnings and sirens and he asked me, "You wanted to talk about tornadoes with me?"

Me: "Goodness, no. That would be a pretty lame reason to call, dontcha think? Unless one hit the house or either one of our office buildings?"

MW: Chuckling. "Yeah. So what's up?"

Me: "Would you like to go see Harry Potter with me and D7 on Friday night?"

MW: No hesitation whatsoever. "Hey, that works! I don't golf until Saturday. What are we going to do about dinner?"

Me: "Well, we still have a couple days to hash it out. We can figure it out as we go."

MW: "You sure D7 will sit through it?"

Me: "I'm not sure of anything. But since she was watching Chamber of Secrets when I got home yesterday, and I've had quite a few successful theater ventures with her, I'm leaning toward a yes."

MW: "Oh, D10 is going to be jealous! That is, unless your folks take her first."

Me: "Well, you'll just have to ask her."

His cell started to lose signal and we hung up. My next topic will be brought up on Friday, when I ask him to plan a camping trip in the motor home after D10 gets back. That's one thing that we find fun doing as a family.

I don't have the answers, guys and gals. Mr. W's brother and SIL are really puzzled by this stuff. My BIL is also a conflict avoider, but he's said through SIL, there is more here than just that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I smell fear.

Linda, I might not have posted his exact words about Marshall properly. He said it didn't work. Not that Marshall didn't work. He and I both know what didn't work was his withholding information to help him. He's terrified of what lurks under his surface. And I'm wondering if he's brave enough to go there and deal with those demons.

I know I'm the one who says resentment is based on neglecting self care. Well, he's been appeasing himself by occupying himself with activities he enjoys: golfing, bowling, fishing, reading, etc. But he's not taking care of his emotional and spiritual needs. And I really and truly believe that his center is so off balance that he doesn't see that they need to occupy the stage with physical needs.

He feels resentful because I am balanced and he is not. It's easier to assess blame in my direction for my many past transgressions than it is to own up to his own (yes, Pam, you are accurate on that). If I have a little more patience, I believe I can show him that it is possible.

My jury is still out on whether or not I want this man back. I'm not sure if he's ever going to get on the path he needs to be on.

I don't know. I really don't. But HoldingOn told me in a chat to pray for him to have courage to face this stuff. That is what I know I can do with conviction and sincerity.

Thanks for all the input. I am very grateful.

Betsey

p.s. Triple J, you pick a movie weekend and we'll make it happen. Make sure the weather is supposed to stink or be hot as blazes....