It's a crap shoot, ain't it? Always, a catch 22. Damned if ya do, damned if ya don't.
You are brave and inspiring and I THINK if the rest of us had you to speak for us with oUR WAS...that we would have a lot of saved marriages. So why aint it working with yours?
Could be....well, a lot of things. I worry about the 'you know I'm a conflict avoider and that is just the way it is ' crap. See, the defense mech here is that deep down I think he believes that being conflict avoidant IS A GOOD THING.It looks like you have told him and even gotten him to admit that it isn't a good thing...but he is still clinging to the idea that he is a good guy a nice guy because he is conflict avoidant. It's worked for him all his life. I don't think he is willing to give it up. and dammit, why can't you just be the old Bets in that ONE WAY and then change all the other stuff that you've been changing that he didn't like....
problem is, I have no clue what you can do about this, and know that my X was exactly the same way. Logic doesn't seem to work. Emotion doesn't seem to work. So we are back to the 2 x 4. It would help if some guru friend just up and said: listen W, the fact that you are conflict avoidant is what caused all the probs in the first place. YOU. And you 've managed to teach your kids that 'nice people are conflict avoidant' and that is setting them up to FAIL as adults. GET OVER YOURSELF. You are just one big friggin COP OUT of a human being.
Well, thank you for the vent Literally every talk show, book , therapy class says: conflict avoidance the number one killer of marriages....and yet these P/A dickheads cling to it like it was written on stone.
Its like he HAS come a long way, but all that work doesn't matter if his premise is wrong...and I think his premise is wrong.
It could be that losing his family is the only thing that will make him realize that he needs to CHANGE some really bad false assumptions, just like you did. And it does sound like he might recognize that, but just doesn't know how. So how does he get help? It seems he is telling you that Marshall didn't work for him. So what kind of therapy/therapist would?
I remember way back, l995...I DID take a stand. H, unless you are ready to work on our issues , I want a divorce...lets do it. It so shook him that he decided to work....then, he didn't have a HO, and I do think that makes a difference...so maybe that is a gambit that you will have to take.
Oh Bets, this is just way too hard. Life isn't supposed to be this much work.
I don't know how you've held up as long as you have. It isn't fair, it isn't just.... maybe we need a Tampa party 'fix' where your H hears in the background "hey, Bets, come back to bed" (Worked for Wonder Woman)
