Friends: Season 5--New perspectives

[holdingon]

Betsey,
Your post last night was frighteningly familiar. As you know, my H has been having an A for over 18 months now (so much for the 6 month average). Last week, I needed to talk to him about some issues with my son and was appalled/frustrated/unbelieving that he seems to be in the same place emotionally that he was in November (our last R talk).

Granted, I don't really know where he is... I don't know how much if any time he has put into thinking about what he has done. As a conflict avoider, in all likelihood, he's done none...

However, he did say that he knows he is wrong, he feels guilty about what he is doing/has done, so I guess that is a step in the right direction.

But in his mind, he still thinks a D is the answer. I'd give him one just so he would see that it is not, but I refuse to do any of the work associated with a D... my heart won't let me go there, and I will not help him along on a path of his choosing.

A girlfriend described it as we were walking down a common path, and my H saw something that interested him... I continued along the path, growing, changing all the way... my H is still stuck, trying to convince himself that he really does like what he has found or trying to figure out how to get out of his M... but not doing either one too effectively.

However, I've also been increasingly feeling that I don't want this broken shell of a man who doesn't want to get rid of his baggage so he can live a happy life. I really don't know if he has what it takes to do this work.

I know all too well what you mean, here, too. And do WE want to do the work to get them to the point we are at, much less to having a great R?

I KNOW you don't want to hear "he needs more time." I know you think there is SOMETHING that will snap him out of what he is doing. For your H, this may be true... however, you did quote something to me the other day "when the STUDENT is ready, the teaching begins."

Your H is listening. Your H is facing some demons, granted, he is still blaming you for many of them. Your H is still all about HIM. Frustrating, yes... unbearably so. But, if you push him now, Betsey, I believe you WILL end up D. Will he then have a revelation? Who knows. Your H and my H seem to be SLOWLY (slow as sea coral) making incremental progress. Your H is talking to you, sharing, etc. The ONLY solution I have for you (and God knows, I ain't the answer lady) is to let him keep working on it... IF that is what you want. IF you are done, then file. Not because you need a catalyst, but because it IS the right time.