Betsey.....you continue to amaze me with the confidence and endurance you have to keep this up and maintain your Bob Barkering w/H. I feel as though we are in so much the same mode that it is scary. In my case however, I have not been able to voice the convos that you have shared w/your H but the thoughts are definitely there for me and my H is a shadow of yours. We've already been down this road so I won't go into too much of it here.
Wanted to share my thoughts w/you...I have been reading your saga for quite a while now and once again feel we are wearing the same shoes but I am the downside and you are the upside. You continue to probe, question and make your H think while mine is a wall that hasn't been broken. While I feel that any talks we have had have opened a new R w/us to honesty (as you are probing now), it still doesn't appear to be enough for them (WAS). Which is why I am where I am in my sit-trying to mediate a settlement.
Please bear w/me as I try and make my point here: While my H and I have been discussing these things not too long, it is apparent that he has not truly thought all of these things out or thinks I'm stupid enough to believe him in some cases. I have found this stage very overwhelming and emotional. I thought I had gotten through the pain and saw signs of hope along the way that would have avoided this instance but nonetheless, I'm here now. So, I have done some research and am still doing research but I have decided that: If he wants it to end, then he will have to be the one to write up the papers, serve me or whatever. I'm not gonna sit by and wait, as I said I am doing research to be ready but once again it's "HIS" agenda, not mine.
What I'm trying to say here is that all along, we've known it was "their" issues to deal with and along the way we've matured and changed. But the WAS is still in the hole, cowering and watching from a distance. They have taken the "bait" in some cases but not admittedly and not always so easily. I recently said that I've been "feeding" him all-the-while and it's making "him" look good but not making "me" feel better. You've been doing that too to some extent.
So, now my H is at the tables w/me trying to work w/me on what we are going to split up. Now, when we have talked, I have had some silly questions but they are questions that I don't know the answers to, so I ask. He sees them as going round and round and wants me to "tell" him what I want so we can "get on w/our lives".
Here's the kicker...I have thought about this over and over and it may fit for you too....why? Why does he just not go do it and let me review the papers? Kind of like Merrick's w/and lawyer finally getting him the papers. You know the answer here---he a)can't, b)doesn't want to, or c)wants you to be the one to pull the plug?
Well, IMHO, either way we end up leaving them feel "guilt-ridden". If you file, it may make him wise up but I don't think so. I think it will take a while for him to realize what he's doing and if you go this route, it would be "after" the D. Once again, YOU...would be making the call, making the decision, taking the blame.
I decided for myself that I'm not gonna be the one to do it. I don't want to be in limbo forever but I also don't want him to get off "free". So, I will continue w/my saga and get ready for a D but until he serves me the papers, I'm not leading the way, not this time........
In response to Pen...I can agree w/that concept. I know that my H and I have totally gone our separate ways and in most cases he won't do things w/me but you know what drives that too---FEAR. So, try if you will but there's still one ingredient missing...it's the magic.
I know that my H hasn't "felt" anything in a long time. He's dead on the inside. Your's seems to be as well. Now, I'm not saying to jump into a big wet kiss but there has to be something to check for that spark. That's where my thoughts are lying. How do I even get close enough to render a sweat out of him?
Well, I hope this hasn't been too confusing and I hope you can see the points that I'm trying to make. Who knows, maybe they'll be something we can both get out of this. I'll be waiting...... Tootles....................
