my 2 cents, for what they are worth. First of all, I can relate to the anger about the "timing" complaint - I felt it too, without even being involved. Interesting, I thought, he keeps her in limbo for almost 2 years, with every opportunity to make his thoughts and wishes known, but flips over a letter given before a 2-day vacation? Every nerve cell in my brain screamed "EXCUSES"! Then I thought back, and remembered that my husband has often done the same thing .... not tackled a difficult issue with someone at a certain time because he "didn't want to ruin their vacation". Might be a male thing, might be a PA thing - I'd take note of it, and move on.
Regarding the rest of your conversation, it was exquisite in every sense of the word .... beautifully orchestrated, mature, kind, validating - every positive adjective one could think of would apply. It was so perfect, in fact, that it actually left me with a sense of uneasiness. It semed to me that at this point, your insight into your own mind and that of others far surpasses his. Not surprising, since you've spent the last two years (?) working on yourself, while he has spent them avoiding the issues. Add to that your obvious verbal/argumentative skills, your intelligence, your ability to think logically and actually apply what you have reasoned out. Could it be that on some level he resents those skills, because he fears he will be rolled over by them - simply because he has nothing to counter them with? That he clings to the only control he has, namely withholding from you the answer you want?
Betsey, you are such a complete person in every sense of the word, or as complete a person as ever jumped off the pages of the internet. I am in continuing awe at how you manage to juggle so many different aspects of your full life (from special needs daughter to this BB) with such great humour and grace. He knows you've stood steady in the tempest, and I'm sure he's grateful - but also filled with guilt. And guilt is a kissing cousin of resentment. I don't mean you should do anything different, except maybe show him your vulnerabilities a bit more. You've saved the family for so long now - do you think there's a way you could let him do some saving?
I don't know if I've managed to at all convey what I mean, but there it is.
