Okay, all. I'm going to post this while I still have some recall of the conversations that have followed. On his way out the door tonight, Mr. Wonderful handed me a 5 page written letter. This part is the answer to question #1 of the letter I gave him over Mother's Day weekend--to write us an ending.
I'm going to copy a few paragraphs and then journal our following conversations on the phone. Here goes his edited portions:
But alas, back to subject at hand. The ending has already been written--we cannot continue as we did. Yes, we have both changed. You have released your bitterness; I fear I have not.
Small things continue to irritate me. Take, for example, the timing of your letter. It seems to me you always time things right before I am about to attempt a vacation or a relaxing trip. A 2 1/2 day furlough, which I had hoped would be an escape, was instead tormented by the decisions I must ultimately make.
So while this letter contains no bad news, I decided purposefully not to write it completely until you came back from your trip.
Where have I been the last year or so? I must confess: I have enjoyed some of my newfound freedoms. Continual home improvements and fixes aren't necessary in an apartment. I had the choice of helping as I saw fit.
I must also confess that apartment living can be hell. There's no real good place to play with the kids. There is nothing more quiet or more lonely than being in an apartment with no kids.
Remember how your parents (okay well, maybe it was mine) said the place was empty and quiet with no kids? Well, it's true. You can't do anything without spending money in an apartment. But then again, you probably knew this.
I hate myself for moving out and for what it has done to the family. Yet, I don't see any other way it could have been played out.
A new beginning? That comes in part 2.
My first reaction was fury. I was thoroughly pissed that he accused me of ruining his few days off. I wanted to scream at him, "You've ruined my entire last 17 months! Who gives a flying f!@# about 2 1/2 days!"
Then I fast forwarded to the last paragraph, which didn't sit well. I opted to mull this over for awhile.
I called him from my cell and thanked him for his reply. I can't recall all the details, but I opted to validate his anger. I told him I was sorry he felt I had intentionally set out to ruin his weekend. He sort of brushed it off and said, "OK, apology accepted."
I didn't like that answer, so I replied softly, "No, K, it's not as simple as that. You said the word ALWAYS, which implies that you have buried more resentment around this topic than you're sharing. I don't want you to accept my apology. I want to understand you better."
He started to laugh (which I hate, and I have brought this up in MC a few times--I understand it and why he does it, but it still catches me way off guard), and said, "You're right. Obviously this is a problem for me, and I shouldn't be so quick to dismiss it."
He told me if I really want to understand him, I would recognize that he's a conflict avoider and that was the way he was. I asked him, "Why?" HE was caught off guard and asked, "You want me to dive into my psyche? That's near to impossible!"
I commented, "Well, people can and do change, K. It's like this: Why do you keep burning yourself on a hot stove and then crying about how mad it makes you? What will it take for you to accept the fact that touching the hot stove is BAD for you and find some other way of approaching this problem?"
He said, "???? Please explain."
I answered, "Well, from my perspective, you have expressed the fact that you are a conflict avoider. Then you admit that you expect others to clean up the conflict. Then you get angry that you had no control over the outcome. Is this correct?"
He answered, "Yes, that's right on the money."
Me: "Well, dealing with and processing conflict is not fun, K. Ever. But in order to have control over the outcome, you have to find a way to make your needs known so that the solution includes you... to prevent you from getting angry that you aren't part of it."
MW: "Yeah, but I don't know how to do it."
Me: "Well, you're really adaptive, K. I saw it when I worked with you. You're a solution guy. I think you can find a way if you're really willing to do it."
MW: "We have addressed this in numerous MC sessions, Betsey, and it hasn't helped!"
Me: "Well, not to assign any blame here, K, but the fact is neither of us was really working on a solution when we were in MC. We were airing grievances and resentments. Neither one of us was committed to making this work."
(Well, that's not true. One half of us was committed.)
MW: "Maybe so."
Me: "Another thing: do you really hate yourself?"
MW: Laughing again... ugh! "Not enough to commit suicide."
Me: "I didn't think that at all. I am just concerned about it. Tell me if this is really true."
MW: "Sometimes. Sometimes I really do hate what I've done."
Me: "Is guilt eating you alive?"
MW: Incredulous. I knew I hit a big nerve again. "Do I look like guilt is eating me alive?"
Me: "I imagine it is a big factor, but I really don't know since we don't talk much about this stuff. I think something is really lurking under the surface, though."
MW: "Yeah. Something."
Me: "How do you see yourself working through this stuff?"
MW: "I don't know. I wish I knew. That's why we were in C, and it really didn't help."
Me: "Well, it takes time. And besides, you only scratched the surface of this stuff. I wish there was a way to illustrate what I'm trying to convey. Just because you acknowledge the bitterness being there does not mean you've processed it so you can let go."
MW: "Hmmm. That is true."
Me: "Well, I'm at the store. I'm going to head in now."
MW: "Is it the pottery place? What did you make? A plate or something?"
Me: "Or something. Hey, I want to head in before they close. Talk to you later?"
MW: "Sure. See you. Bye."
****** Next installment shortly. I processed through a few errands. My crazymaking self came out in full force and my thoughts were: I've had enough! Tell him you WANT a D!
I got home and put groceries away, and got D7's stuff ready for camp tomorrow. And then I dialed him once again.
Me: "Do you have a few minutes?"
MW: Sigh. "Okay. I probably owe you this anyway."
Me: "Well, again, I want to apologize for how the letter was delivered. I never meant to hurt you."
MW: "It's okay, Bets. Really. I don't have an issue with the letter. The fact is it is the single factor that forced me to really devote time to thinking about it. I just think your timing sucked."
Me: "With that statement in mind, I'd like to ask for some help."
MW: "What kind of help?"
Me: "Well, I've been asking for you to think about this for a few months now. I've asked more than a few times. You've given me a patent reply: YES, YOU DESERVE AN ANSWER. YES, I'LL PROVIDE IT TO YOU SOON. And then I don't hear from you on the subject again until I bring it up."
MW: "Wow, you're right. Sorry."
Me: "I am very reluctant to use the past to illustrate it, because the fact is I really think of it as irrelevant. But since it goes to motive, I really feel I need to explain this a bit."
MW: "Go on."
Me: "In the past, when I've asked you for something, I've received one of 3 possible answers: You either give me a Yes and then resent it, Give me a Yes and mean NO or ignore my request. How do I change how I approach you so that you feel comfortable sharing with me?"
MW: Very long pause. "You're very observant. I guess I don't know. I guess I really just am annoyed with the timing of the letter, Bets. Nothing else about it."
Me: "Let me back up. I really don't want to write you letters anymore, K. The fact is, I want something from you, and I want you to give it to me freely. I want you to initiate conversations like these with me so that you don't bottle your feelings indefinitely and so I don't have to break down in order for you to take my request seriously.
And I'd like for you to be fair to me. I think there are many instances where you have used the word ALWAYS to represent 10% of the time. That is, I've asked you for something, you've ingored it, and then I've had to use bad timing to get your attention."
Silence. For about 2 minutes.
MW: "Um, I have just realized that your perception is not untrue."
Me: "So what do you feel I should do so that I don't go to those extremes to help you understand that I'm in a lot of pain right now, K? I really need this from you. All I really want is for you to be forthcoming with your thoughts and feelings so that I don't get so agitated at this process."
MW: "I know, the whole family does deserve a resolution to this crap."
Me: "I want to be selfish for just a moment. For once, I want to take center stage with you. I want to be your main concern. I want you to consider me before you consider the girls or yourself."
MW: "I understand. I see how you feel left out of this. What can I say?"
Me: "I don't want you to grovel. I just want to know if I'm a big part of your decision making process? I want to be important again. Please be honest with me."
MW: "If this were just about the girls, my answer would have been given a long time ago. But it IS about you too, Betsey. Honestly."
Me: "I just feel like I've been giving myself to you and the girls unconditionally, for the best of the family, for so long. I want MY needs to be important to you too. Can you understand this?"
MW: "Yes. I do. And I'm really sorry for hurting you."
Me: "I accept your apology. And I really feel it is sincere."
Then he changed the subject to his father and how annoyed he was with him. I used the chance to validate him and then got to the bottom of the issue. His dad is nagging him to go back to MT to sign important bank documents. Mr. W. told him in a very annoyed tone, "Dad, you can enter the new millennium and send them to me via fedex. I'll even pay for it."
They sparred for awhile longer, before they hung up. I cleared my throat and said, "Mr. W. can I tell you what I see?" He said yes.
I mentioned that I see his father as trying to ask him to come up, but using the signatures as the scapegoat. I commented, "I see your father as telling you he needs you and wants you there, but he's using another means to get you to agree to do his bidding."
MW: "WTF? Why the hell doesn't he just come out and ask me? Though I'm not sure I would say yes anyway."
I smiled and said, "Well, I think there is a parallel in the answer that applies to me as well. Think about it."
Then we hung up. And that's it for now, until I come back tomorrow with a good night's sleep and more answers.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
