Well, the funeral is over and life is settling back down. Our schedules are still out of whack a bit, but H going back to work and kids going to vacation bible school this week should help.
In among all the family dealings, I had two, possibly three, new consulting gigs come my way. I am not sure that I can even do all of them. This working out of my home is really taking off!
I just have to keep enforcing with everyone that I do have to work - and they need to support that. It will get easier (I hope) when school starts again. S3 (4 next week) will start preschool 3 days a week, so I will have some more running to do, but also more hours by myself to get work and things done.
Last night, I woke up to find H sleeping out on couch. Then S6 crawled in with me. I couldn't get back to sleep as right away the nagging feeling of "now what" enters in my brain. I asked H why he was out there and he said he couldn't get comfortable. I commented that I couldn't sleep with him gone, but didn't say that it is because I worry about something being wrong with us.
I will let him know my worries tonight. I sometimes think I have made it so easy for him to come back - and I want to - but I also need to let him know when I get scared that old feelings, behaviors or patterns are emerging.
I saw a sign on a church today that said, "Forgiving is painful, but not forgiving is more painful."
I think that is so true. I have forgiven H for leaving and for his EA. Now I need to insert the word "forgetting" into that statement and do the same thing. When H moved home, I told him I could forgive his actions, but forgetting them would take longer. In fact, my post to Dagny touches on that today.
I really believe that those of us with success in getting our WAS home, owe it to everyone to post the mundane things that keep the new R going and growing. Most of the DBing stuff is geared toward getting your H (or W) home, but once they get home, the tips and resources aren't as plentiful. Oh, the DB things still apply, but you have to take them to a new level.
I think this is especially true if you are the one who has done the DBing and reading. My H didn't DB, hasn't read the books that I am aware of, so are his expectations now different from mine? Coming from a different, non-DB, perspective? Oh well, onward and onward!
Life is surreal, the "one year ago" thoughts try to enter in, but I am determined not to relive the past year by marking each of those things. I am more interested in making new memories and traditions.
I continue to "live as if" and work on me. I need to keep up the work I began around the house and friendships I renewed that supplied me strength. Also, I need to keep providing support to the BB family as it did for me!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Totite, I am so sorry to hear about your H's aunt. He will need time to grieve the loss.
Thank you for posting the mundane parts of your R. You are right that DBing is geared towards getting the spouse home. But what do we do with them when they turn back towards us? Some of DBing still applies, but does it all? No R talks is the rule, but eventually some of these things have to be dealt with.
I don't want to fall into old habits, but I don't know what old habits may have driven him away in the first place. But then, no R talks....AAARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
I guess we just realized that marriage is work.
My biggest problem is learning to deal with my own insecurities--most of which I never had until my H left me and lived with OW. I have forgiven him, but as you say, forgetting is something else. I don't think that we will ever forget what happened--the trick is to not remind them of it all the time.
I sense some resentment in your post that your H did not take an interest in DB methods and therefore you are still the only one aware of this "secret" formula that now guides your actions. If he reads it or not, I think it is important to share your new perspective on things as they arise so at least he can understand your thought process. Without this disclosure, you could be depriving your R of the extra stamina it may need when challenging times arise. It doesn't mean he has to subscribe to everything the book espouses but it would probably be interesting to solicit alternatives from him if he wasn't comfortable with one of the priciples. Solutions mutually crafted can be much more effective and, who knows, he might have some great ideas to "tweak" what you are already doing. It just sounds like you are still the one carrying much of the heavy weight and that can get tiring and frustrating.
Just my thoughts...be well (I'm very happy for you!)
Quote: I don't want to fall into old habits, but I don't know what old habits may have driven him away in the first place. But then, no R talks....AAARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
Oh DNO, you hit that one on the head! Sure I have some idea of what went wrong, SSM didn't help matters, but what other things led to his actions? I may never know.
TKKC1, I am glad you stopped by. I didn't mean to sound like I resented that my H didn't DB like me. After all, I read DB and DR as well as LL and other books. But I am a reader by nature. I gave my H DB and don't know if he read it. But obviously, somewhere along the line, he DB'd in his own way or he wouldn't be home.
I am not naive enough to think that I did this all by myself. After all, he had an EA and told her he wasn't interested in a PA and cut things off. That meant the things lined up just right for both of us at the same time - and moved forward from there.
We had a busy family weekend and another wonderful thing happened that further affirmed that my H is again the man that I love and married. We got a new lab puppy. I bought him one almost 16 years ago that we had to put down 3 years ago. That was another difficult factor in an already strained relationship. I don't think he grieved for that dog and maybe even had resentment toward me when we put him down, but he was 13 and his hips were bad and he couldn't do his business outside but would inside - and with a 10-month old crawling around, well you can imagine.
The kids have been asking for a new pup for a long time and he was insistant that we wouldn't get one. I would have gotten one back then so I left the decision up to him. We were at an outdoor event Saturday and ran into a trainer we know and he had pups with from his own dog. And we brought one home.
Now I just have to get used to getting up with a little one at night again. I do this part since working from home allows me to grab a nap if necessary and H has to be awake at the office. But since lab pups are so smart, he went from 11 to almost 6 already today! Yeah. So far only two nights of getting up and even then it wasn't until 3:30 or so.
The kids are so happy! H is happy! I am happy!
S3 is 4 today. We had family and friends over to celebrate on Sunday. I did much of the prep but when asked, H stepped in to do certain things - and he did all the grilling! In the past, I would have killed myself getting things ready and built up resentment in doing so - this time I asked for help and got it. I know - I was an idiot for not asking in the past! Don't have to hit me with that 2x4!
Well, off to get some work done on 1 of the 4 consulting projects I have going! Have to get my workspace more organized too. Found another organizing website (getorganizednow.com) with a great weekly newsletter that isn't quite as overwhelming as FlyLady. But I still use some of that too.
Thanks for all you support as always! I miss getting on here sometimes but usually lurk every day. I try to keep up with the regulars and offer some support to new folks.
Have a great day!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
You are right, we work hard to get them back and then it is all left up in the air. Like we lost our road map, it reached the end of one road with out a map for the next part.
I like the asking for help part! It sounds so simple, but isn't always something to execute, but can do wonders. I do let him know every once in a while I need reassurances. If I say it right, he is happy to provide it, not blaming, just simple statement of what I need. But, I'm sure I don't do it enough.
Glad to hear all the good news there. Preschool should help out your work commitment, incredible what you can get done in just a few hours of non kid time.
Just stopping by to see how you are doing! You rock, girl! It is nice to see that Dbing is working for so many here! You are all keeping the hope alive for all of us struggling and not getting anywhere!
Haven't been around much, sounds like things are going great for you, but I wasn't expecting anything less!!
My S4 went to his first b-day party yesterday, first he didn't want to go, wanted to know if I was coming. Went to buy the gift and my goodness, what an experience that was and a good lesson for me. First of all do not take S4 with me and then pick out a toy that S4 wants, tantrum ensued at Target it took all my strength to get out of the store as S4 was trying to hit me and then not follow me..yes I was the mother with the awful child! Ended up breaking down and letting S4 have the toy and went to by another toy for b-day boy. S4 played with the toy, then decided he didn't want it and that I could wrap it up for b-day boy. I said no, you are not giving them to him, it's out of the box and NO you cannot have the TOY we just bought for b-day boy.
Next time I shop by myself for birthday toy, wrap it up and sent it along with S4 so that he doesn't know what it is.
S4 had a great time and said to me "you were right, I did have a good time" he is so darn cute these days! Some days I look at him and say "are you really 4 or 4 going on 12?
Thought I should get on here and journal a bit, but first want to say hi to Deb, TKKC1, Dagny, Cathy...
Cathy, I can relate to the shopping horrors - especially a toy store, but magnify it to include 3 kids! UGH! Luckily, my response is usually, "my answer isn't going to change no matter how many times you ask"
Did the clothes shopping for D9 and S6 the other day. D9 is a tall girl for her age and it is hard to find age-appropriate stuff for her. We managed to find enough to get her started. Luckily she is pretty easy to please. S6 is tall and slim for his age and finding pants that fit is a real treat.
On the H front, things continue to move along. It is precarious at times because the clutter challenge around the house still bugs him, but I am working on it. My neighbor and I are having a fall garage sale in a few weeks and that will help move some things out of here. H knows that I am trying and is going to set the garage up for us again - just like he did back in April.
We had a great family weekend with my dad. We took the kids and grandpa and went out to where grandpa grew up for the county fair, including a demolition derby. There is a log building from our homested farm at the fairgrounds as part of a historical society area so the kids saw that too.
Then we stayed at my uncle's farm house, visited the church that grandpa went too as a kid, saw the gravesites of my grandparents and great grandparents. Took the kids to the farm that grandpa grew up (my cousin lives there now). So grandpa got to show them his stomping grounds - and share a bit of his childhood with his grandkids. Meant alot to me too.
Also, H hunts out there so he checked out things - and was really good about just sitting back and observing the sentimental journey. Not his favorite thing - but he was really good about it.
I simply went up to him smiling and said thank you. He said what for? I said - for this weekend. He just shrugged it off, but got the message.
Life has been busy and shows no signs of slowing down. With school, preschool, hockey, piano, etc all starting again, it just keeps moving along.
My next goal is to have a date with my H. We haven't had one yet. We need to make the effort to have alone time away from the kids. A challenge - yes, do-able - yes. So I think I just need to plan something. If I wait for him to do it, I am not sure when it will happen. But, this is scary territory, because I am the planner in our family and generally plan our outings, I don't want him to feel forced into anything. How I approach this is yet to be determined.
Anyway, have to wake up the other two kids, let the puppy out, and get ready to go to the zoo with our former child care provider. She and I are taking 14 kids there for the day. Wish me luck!
Have a great day all!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Hi Totite, Just wondering if you survived your trip to the zoo!! You are a brave woman!!! 14 kids--I can barely keep track of my own three!!
You asked me on my thread about dating H. I say, ask him out. Find somewhere for the kids to be and go out. Don't make elaborate plans--maybe just dinner at one of your favorite restaurants or maybe even some place new. I mean, all he can say is no, right?! Maybe it will get the ball rolling on some alone time.
I just said to my H, 'Mom is taking the boys for the evening on Saturday night. Would you like to go out to dinner with me?' Surprised him, but he said yes. You can read my thread about the outing. Wish it had been longer and that the evening had went in another direction, but....we've been told it takes a month for every year married to fix this mess. Guess that means I have 20 months to go. Oh well, I'm in it for the long haul, and I know that you are too.
Things sound good there! We went to our first demolition derby this summer, it was a hoot! Will your H come and organize a garage sale for me?
I vote yes for getting out on that date! That is the one thing we have failed on and that the T always got mad at us for, she thought we should be out once a week without the kids, but would settle for every other week. I think we are on the twice a year schedule. It is what every T and book says, make time for just the two of you! When you figure out how to do it with a busy life, let me know!
Maybe it will get the ball rolling on some alone time.
Wish it had been longer and that the evening had went in another direction, but....we've been told it takes a month for every year married to fix this mess. Guess that means I have 20 months to go. 
Oh well, I'm in it for the long haul, and I know that you are too.