Hi there -

Just catching up with some journaling.

Yesterday was my H's birthday. The timing wasn't right for giving him back his wedding ring though - so I think that will have to wait until our anniversary in November.

It has been stressful as we wait for his aunt to die. They moved her to a hospice on Saturday. I took the kids there to see her one last time - on the way to their last ball game of the season-ending tournament.

My H is close to this aunt and her kids are our age. Her son was our best man. He is in town so H has been spending time with him and his two sisters whenever he can. It is really just a matter of time until this aunt's heart gives out. She had a bad stroke last week and they stopped IV's and meds - so time will take its toll on her previously bad heart soon.

The kids are aware of what is happening, but kids 3,6 and 9 are affected in different ways. I used to take them over swimming with this aunt because her complex has a pool. They will miss that.

This aunt and uncle spend Christmas with us as their kids are either out of state or with the other side of their family. So we will feel the impact of this loss for a long time. We also did Easter together and an annual camping trip among other things.

My H doesn't like death (who does, but I have the philosophy that it is part of life), and doesn't like wakes or funerals. So here we are all day yesterday praying that she doesn't die on his birthday. You see, his uncle and godfather was buried 4 years ago on his birthday.

My H isn't big into birthdays, but that would have been hard to take. So the kids and I made him a fish cake (cut the cake into a fish shape and made silver frosting - even took an extra piece and made a on the side of it's belly!).
I cooked roast with all the fixings. The kids bought and wrapped him presents from the sporting goods store. We had a small party and kept things light.

THis is such a welcome change from a year ago - as he moved out between our birthdays (8 days apart).

I kind of blew it in that when he came to bed he reached for me, but I was just about asleep and didn't respond. Then I fell asleep. I did wake him up this morning though and apologized for being so sleepy last night. I even had a new lacy black number on - and mentioned it to him so he knows I was sincere if exhausted.

There are definately moments when we are tested. For example, the kids had an 8 a.m. game on Saturday, I got up and ready, then woke them up. Then I was getting them ready, fed and out the door - all while H only took care of himself. This is a source of frustration for me and leads to anger. So I take the kids to the ballpark and on the way realize that the kids didn't bring water. I called home and didn't get an answer, so I called my H's cell phone and left a message - kind of smart a&&ed. He called back and asked me if I had an attitude. I did but just told him I was giving him a hard time. Whew - got through that one, he brought them water and it was done. BUt it is moments like that that I need to remind myself to ask for what I want - not to fume about it silently.

So later on that day, I mentioned that in the future it would be helpful if he helped in getting them ready to go to activities because we were less likely to forget or be late. Haven't tested it yet - but time will tell.

Another thing, H wasn't sure that kids needed to go see aunt at hospice. However, my concern is that they hear someone close to them is sick and then the next time they see them is at the wake. So when their grandparents are sick sometime, they will be afraid they will die too?

The kids were actually a welcome site at the hospice. My S3 and S6 went up to her and touched her hand and said hi. My D9 sat in the room for a bit and then went outside. Upon her return the nurse was in there so she asked if it was "appropriate" for her to be back in the room - I was so proud of her! I don't want them to dread these things like their dad does.

I think this comes from losing my B3 when I was 9. It gave me an appreciation and understanding that carries with me even now.

Anyway, our R is being tested by things outside of our R - does that make sense? DBing will see me through.

H has also taken on more responsibility at work so I am trying to offer more support in that regard. His stress level will increase and while he may not show it there, I know he will be tired and need extra TLC at home.

Well, how is that for boring....

I am glad that this journaling might help someone - DNO found similarities in our sitches that might help her as her H draws closer.

So pardon the rambling, but know that it helps me to journal and others too!

Pray for us this week as we mourn the loss of H's aunt will you?

Thanks

totite "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."