Thanks for stopping by. It is wonderful to have you visit. I posted to you BTW.
Another topic that I see folks stuggling with on this BB is parenting while separated. I posted this to HoldingOn earlier today. Thought I'd share it here as well since I truly feeling that strengthing the R between my H and kids also was a factor in his recovery from the alien invasion.
Quote: Hi HoldingOn,
Hey, about parenting during a separation, the best recommendation I can make is to establish a routine for your H and kids if possible. IMHO, my H wasn't really into being a parent during the alien invasion, but when he moved out, we made the routine of the kids calling him every night to say goodnight. They went with him EO weekend for a month or so, but then that stopped when H started coming here all the time.
Anyway, eventually, that regular night time call included me. At first he didn't want to talk to me, but later the kids would put me on at the end. I kept it to kid-related information.
Then we expanded the topics to include our home, etc. I really think it gave H an appreciation of how hard it is to parent, let alone do it alone. (Funny, since he grew up in a single parent household and knows this).
As hard as it was to let the kids go for the weekend, soon I loved the time alone (remember it gave me time to knock out a wall, paint the whole place, etc). And for him to have full responsibility for the kids for 2 nights and 2 days, gave him an appreciation for what I did. It also brought him alot closer to the kids. This carries over now that he is home.
(I think that having to do groceries, laundry, housekeeping, kid's baths, etc. all after working full-time during the week didn't hurt in his appreciation of me either! LOL!)
He is much more active in parenting now. He'll run errands with the kids. He goes out and plays with them. He attends their activities without grumbling.
I know that each situation is different, but would it be possible to establish a routine with him? Even the nightly "good night" call might help.
You need time for you too. Take good care of yourself. Trust your parenting instincts. If you need to make a decision by yourself, don't second guess it. If your H doesn't like the decision, simply let him know that of course you would prefer to make the decisions together, but that isn't always possible in light of the current situation. Let him know you will do your best to involve him, but that there will be times when you just have to do what the situation dictates.
My youngest two kids didn't show their feelings outwardly all that much during their daddy's absence from our home. (I have to wonder though if S6 would still be wetting the bed if this hadn't happened) My D9 had some feelings about it, but with the support of me, her teacher, her grandparents, and with spending quality time with her dad, we all helped her understand that we all loved her and this wasn't about her.
I can't tell you enough how much more involved my H is with the kids. I actually have to step back because I was the one making all the decisions before - and he let me. Now he is more involved in the day-to-day, the discipline, etc. and I am learning how to fit in with this parenting partnership. Again, when I don't know what to say or do, I do nothing - at first. Then I may talk to him about it in depth later when the kids aren't around.
I feel that I never used the kids to get their daddy back. He didn't use them either. We simply parented as we should have been all along. Because it worked, it only helped in our overall R together.
Good luck everyone. It can be done!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
