Was reading your post to Deb about your skating rink and I might just have to come visit you this winter. S4 loves the stick and puck, but isn't too good on the ice yet.
Cathy - I am looking forward to winter already. H had me get estimate to remove some trees out back - which would let me make the skating rink about 60 x 50 feet. Wohoo!
I think I am psyched about it because my D9 is in a hockey class this week and she enjoys it so much. Plus I want to skate more and may even start to play hockey again myself.
My S6 will start to play this fall too. S3 will just skate some more this year. And H pulled out his skates so who knows - he may skate again too.
nitaf - My H doesn't talk about why he left - I am sure he feels like the reasons he gave me at the time were valid, although I am not quite so sure. They were pretty lame things - but probably all he could verbalize at the time.
He hasn't said anything about why he came home, but his actions continue to speak volumes. His tone of voice, etc, has also changed for the better. And is almost daily - man do I feel old sometimes! LOL!
Other than asking him about the cards that I found from an OW (EA), I haven't said much. I told him I would ask things as they seemed relevant - and so far I have let our actions speak for both of us. It may be that I rarely ask anything - I am playing it by ear.
I'll be sure to journal here as things continue. My H is someone who doesn't talk about feelings very well but I can tell how he is feeling towards me and it is good.
And, I should mention, that the other night after the kids and I returned from up north, my H initiated some and in the midst of it said "I missed you". This is something that I haven't heard for a long time and the way he said it, it felt like it was for more than those three days - but could have applied to the prior nine months or more. Do you get what I mean?
Anyway, I let the little nuances speak for themselves. They say alot about our R.
Thanks for checking in and for the support!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I haven't been around for a while and what a pleasure to come back and see your news! How wonderful. Knew this would eventually happen, glad it finally did!
I know my H believes that because he is back, that speaks volumes and says all that needs to be said. He isn't into the R talks, but to be fair, we never really had them before. We did have some bumps and bruises after the intial euphoria wore off, but I think we are back on solid ground now.
I'm also much freer is expressing my needs and telling them in a way that (at least I attempt), isn't blaming, but just stating what I need to feel secure. And he is really trying and it's wonderful! Reward the good behavior and enjoy!!!!
Thanks for stopping by. It is wonderful to have you visit. I posted to you BTW.
Another topic that I see folks stuggling with on this BB is parenting while separated. I posted this to HoldingOn earlier today. Thought I'd share it here as well since I truly feeling that strengthing the R between my H and kids also was a factor in his recovery from the alien invasion.
Quote: Hi HoldingOn,
Hey, about parenting during a separation, the best recommendation I can make is to establish a routine for your H and kids if possible. IMHO, my H wasn't really into being a parent during the alien invasion, but when he moved out, we made the routine of the kids calling him every night to say goodnight. They went with him EO weekend for a month or so, but then that stopped when H started coming here all the time.
Anyway, eventually, that regular night time call included me. At first he didn't want to talk to me, but later the kids would put me on at the end. I kept it to kid-related information.
Then we expanded the topics to include our home, etc. I really think it gave H an appreciation of how hard it is to parent, let alone do it alone. (Funny, since he grew up in a single parent household and knows this).
As hard as it was to let the kids go for the weekend, soon I loved the time alone (remember it gave me time to knock out a wall, paint the whole place, etc). And for him to have full responsibility for the kids for 2 nights and 2 days, gave him an appreciation for what I did. It also brought him alot closer to the kids. This carries over now that he is home.
(I think that having to do groceries, laundry, housekeeping, kid's baths, etc. all after working full-time during the week didn't hurt in his appreciation of me either! LOL!)
He is much more active in parenting now. He'll run errands with the kids. He goes out and plays with them. He attends their activities without grumbling.
I know that each situation is different, but would it be possible to establish a routine with him? Even the nightly "good night" call might help.
You need time for you too. Take good care of yourself. Trust your parenting instincts. If you need to make a decision by yourself, don't second guess it. If your H doesn't like the decision, simply let him know that of course you would prefer to make the decisions together, but that isn't always possible in light of the current situation. Let him know you will do your best to involve him, but that there will be times when you just have to do what the situation dictates.
My youngest two kids didn't show their feelings outwardly all that much during their daddy's absence from our home. (I have to wonder though if S6 would still be wetting the bed if this hadn't happened) My D9 had some feelings about it, but with the support of me, her teacher, her grandparents, and with spending quality time with her dad, we all helped her understand that we all loved her and this wasn't about her.
I can't tell you enough how much more involved my H is with the kids. I actually have to step back because I was the one making all the decisions before - and he let me. Now he is more involved in the day-to-day, the discipline, etc. and I am learning how to fit in with this parenting partnership. Again, when I don't know what to say or do, I do nothing - at first. Then I may talk to him about it in depth later when the kids aren't around.
I feel that I never used the kids to get their daddy back. He didn't use them either. We simply parented as we should have been all along. Because it worked, it only helped in our overall R together.
Good luck everyone. It can be done!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
It's funny that once again this week I have been posting more than lurking - and yet I forget to update my own thread!
My H has been rather quiet this week, I have let him be and will ask him this weekend. I know he has been really busy at work but I want to be sure that is what it is.
He has been home for one month. I want him to continue to know that he made the right decision. I am trying like heck to keep things up around here but hurt my low back earlier this week so I haven't been able to do everything that I want to do.
I have managed to take the kids to swimming every day, do a million loads of wash, grocery shopping, some cleaning, etc. But it doesn't seem like enough - am I being to hard on myself? I am afraid he will find something wrong and not say anything - which is how we ended up here in the first place. I am equally afraid that I injure my back worse and end up out of commission for longer.
But, rather than sit here and think "what is he thinking" and drive myself crazy - I am going to ask him what he is thinking - in a very loving way. I am going to let him know that I get scared when he is quiet because I am afraid that he is upset with me and not speaking up. I'll let you know how this goes.
I think it is probably one of the greatest challenges besetting those of us whose spouses come back home - wanting to know, but not wanting to cause upset or discomfort - but sometimes you just have to say - what the heck and ask....
No plans for the weekend here. Just tons of stuff to do around the house and yard. Will go to some fireworks somewhere and may go see the flotilla, but who knows?
I asked H about taking the kids to get some fireworks and he just smirked - which means he may have already gotten some....
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I found this thread very enlightening. I guess my H made sure he would see more of his D by getting her a job where he works. They have worked together many times and H takes her out to lunch once in awhile , maybe more!
It was when I read this thread that a lightbulb went off; H just wants to see D18 all he can and tried his darnedest to get her in! He told her she could apply next year and probably get the job! I don't know what he is going to do when she is done for the summer, I'm hoping we will see him more. I haven't seen him in quite awhile. But my friends and my lifestyle keep me busy!
Thanks, for checking in on me! I'm glad to see that everything is working out for you and your H. I wish my H and I would have kept the ML thing going! That part was always good!
Thanks for your thread! It helps us all in some small way!
Thanks for stopping by my thread and pointing out that H is making babysteps back to me, I think he is too. If he is a cake eater/fence sitter than he's not very happy about it as the tone of his voice was not that of a happy person. It was more the tone of someone caught in their own spider web!
Took S4 to the great outdoor games today, very crowded and hot, but we did have fun. Now I'm off to finish mowing our half acre lawn, rider broke down so I'm pushing. I look at it this way, I can skip the treadmill today and I'm getting a little tan on my winter white skin! It's July and summer just arrived.
is almost daily - man do I feel old sometimes! LOL!
, maybe more!
