H is home! Marriage wins!

[totite]

Hi everyone,

Took the kids up north for a few days. My H was home alone but we spoke daily. The one night he called us because his cell phone was cutting out and he knew that we'd try to call him. The kids call him every night if he isn't going to be home - a hold-over habit that was formed when he didn't live at home.

I see that Michelle has a children's resource happening now. I can tell you that this ritual of calling every night strengthened the bond between my H and the kids, but also went a long way in opening our line of communications too.

That and a regular dose of ML . That is why I am copying a post that I did to nitaf here. It is a topic that I struggled with at times as I know that others do too. Should we ML with our WAS or not? Well, here are my thoughts on the subject if you care to know them...

Hey nitaf,

I've been gone, but in catching up I see that you are questioning whether or not to ML. Well, I am on the side of ML all you want - why let a part of your R that works go bad while working on other portions of your R?

When my H left last August, he was so angry that he couldn't bring himself to go past the bottom of the stairs. He didn't want to talk to me but I made sure the kids spoke to him every night. (This is all detailed in my old thread in Newcomers as well as other Piecing threads)

In early October, something happened at work that brought him to me to talk. He was giving me a hug and saying he had to leave or he couldn't be responsible for what might happen - that is when I told him that ML was good and we shouldn't stop that while working on our M. Well, we ML that night. The wall between us started to crumble with that small step.

Soon we were ML a couple times a week after the kids went to bed. Along the way he started talking to me at the end of his conversation with the kids. Then we were doing things together as a family...after spending the holidays as we always have - he started coming here after work each day, only sleeping at his apartment. Now he is back home.

Get the picture? Sometimes you have to go against conventional wisdom.

When my H moved home I found out there had been an EA going on. But you know what? She wanted a PA and he told her he wasn't interested. He then ended the EA and he hasn't seen or heard from her in several months.

To me that confirms that what I did was the right thing for us - even though there were times when I questioned it myself. Our increased physical intimacy helped bring us back together in other ways.

It also makes it doubly sweet that he is home. He discovered that what we have is worth saving.

So you should do what works for you. He is calling at night to talk to you - even if the excuse is to talk about your son. Mine did that too.

Talk to your H about having a nighttime routine that your son calls whichever parent he isn't with at a set time (or thereabouts). Then the two of you can touch base at the end of it. Just a quick, upbeat, casual connection. See what happens.

If anything, I have learned from this, is to watch for the smallest positive behaviors. Don't acknowledge or question them - just appreciate them and reward them with a returned positive behavior on your part.

You'll be amazed at the results. Good luck!

Things are going well here with H at home. And the ML continues in full force. Confirms my H's primary LL - one that I didn't appreciate prior to learning about DBing.

I'll journal more later. Thanks for your support and encouragement.